Archive for 2012

Use a Standard Ass Gauge

Student, about project: How big should I make it? I don’t feel like making a big ass thing.
Teacher: No, no. I don’t want a big ass thing. Just make is a small ass thing or a medium ass thing.

–Frank Sinatra School of the Arts

Hey, I Manscape!

Woman yelling from window to group of teenage skateboarders: Shut the fuck up!
Teen: Bitch, you wanna come down here and get your pussy wet?
Woman: Grow some fucking hair on your balls! Then we’ll talk!

–49th St

…And Could You Deep Fry the Coffee?

Woman #1: Make sure they scoop out the center of my bagel. I’m on a diet, don’t need all those carbs.
Woman #2: I didn’t know they would do that.
Woman #1: Sure they will, and I want cream cheese and jelly on my bagel… Oh ya, and butter.
Woman #2: Do you want a coffee?
Woman #1: Please, and with three sugars.

–17th & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Linda

…to Use the Latin Term.

Male cashier: You comin’ this weekend?
Female cashier: Nooo! I can’t cuz I gotta go with my girlfriend downtown, she’s makin’ me go with her to get her thingies pierced… You know, her ta tas.

–Key Food, Broadway & 187th St

Overheard by: Tom Collins

(Get It? “Trickle Down”?)

Preppy guy: How are you feeling now?
Preppy girl, with head in hands: Sigh. My right nostril is stuffed now. Can you help me?
Preppy guy, balling his hand into a fist and playfully punching girl’s nose: Kapaiyow! Bing, bang, boom, biff, pow! (pause) Reaganomics!
(preppy girl looks up, her face beaming)

–Carmine & Bleeker

Pretendsday One-Liners

I felt like I slept with Godzilla or fucking King Kong, I’m not dealing with this laid shit very well, huh?

–Hell’s Kitchen

Guy yelling, wearing dress shirt and slacks: I’m looking to kill about 14 or 15 vampires today. If anyone could help me out and point me in the direction of a vampire lair, I could probably kill 8 or 9 there. Thank you.

–8th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Jon

Boy to friend: Gandalf is kind of a pussy.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Sunny

Crazy woman: New York City is full of witchcraft. There are witches and warlocks among us. Thank the lord I have been saved.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Sonia

Hobo, to himself: It’s not a good time to be a witch. No, not a good time to be a witch.

–1 Train

Wednesday One-Liners Sunburn in Lamplight

Black girl, discussing first date with friend: He was so funny! Like, you know, white people, they don’t be funny, but he was so funny!

–F Train, Queens

Crazy black guy to pretty blonde tourist: Marry me! I like white people too!

–Times Square

Girl outside liquor store: I’ma get white-girl drunk tonight.

–106th & 2nd

Overheard by: steph

Black woman to half-black, half-Asian baby: You’re going to get hit on by so many white guys!

–Metro-North Train

Overheard by: Fact!

Black guy getting off train to black girl: Watch out for the white people.

–4 Train

Overheard by: White Girl

How Is a Wednesday One-Liner Like a Doorstop, Alex?

Conductor of very crowded train: If you stand between the doors, next to the signs that say “do not block the doors,” you’re probably stupid. Sir! You! You in the white shirt! Get out of the doors!

–Metro-North Rail

Overheard by: in my seat

Subway conductor, over PA, in thick Brooklyn accent: Get off the doors! What do you want, a death wish?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Sophia

MTA conductor, frustrated by passengers preventing doors from closing: Let the doors close, I don’t tell you when to flip the burgers.

–Times Square Shuttle

Conductor, over the PA, exasperated: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a *train.* That means there are four doors per car and ten cars in all. That makes forty doors through which you can enter and exit the train. This isn’t a bus with only one door. In order to keep the trains running in a timely fashion, please use all available doors. Thank you for your cooperation.

–Downtown F Train

Overheard by: Rose

Train conductor, over PA: Hey, kemosabe, quit holding the doors open! We got places to go.
(a few seconds later) Let me know where you work, so I can hold open your doors!

–Downtown A Express Train

Overheard by: faith

Run for the Light, Wednesday One-Liners!

Old woman at diner: I told you how I want to die, right? At 90, in childbirth.

–Broadway & 14th, Astoria

Overheard by: Matt

Guy on bus: Mr Strauss, I’m sorry I can’t make it in today, I have a family emergency, my wife’s sister was murdered yesterday.

–M16 Bus

Film student: If you’re gonna work in film, if you’re gonna think about my mother dying, my grandmother in hospital, my father dying, no, fuck all that shit. You gotta focus, say this is all that matters right now.

–NY Film Academy Cafe

Overheard by: Katherine

Man on phone: Sometimes you just have to kill everyone and start over. (pause) Do it and call me back.

–28th Ave & Steinway St