Archive for 2012

Use a Stan­dard Ass Gauge

Stu­dent, about project: How big should I make it? I don’t feel like mak­ing a big ass thing.
Teacher: No, no. I don’t want a big ass thing. Just make is a small ass thing or a medi­um ass thing.

–Frank Sina­tra School of the Arts

Hey, I Man­scape!

Woman yelling from win­dow to group of teenage skate­board­ers: Shut the fuck up!
Teen: Bitch, you wan­na come down here and get your pussy wet?
Woman: Grow some fuck­ing hair on your balls! Then we’ll talk!

–49th St

…And Could You Deep Fry the Cof­fee?

Woman #1: Make sure they scoop out the cen­ter of my bagel. I’m on a di­et, don’t need all those carbs.
Woman #2: I did­n’t know they would do that.
Woman #1: Sure they will, and I want cream cheese and jel­ly on my bagel… Oh ya, and but­ter.
Woman #2: Do you want a cof­fee?
Woman #1: Please, and with three sug­ars.

–17th & 7th Ave

Over­heard by: Lin­da

…to Use the Latin Term.

Male cashier: You comin’ this week­end?
Fe­male cashier: Nooo! I can’t cuz I got­ta go with my girl­friend down­town, she’s makin’ me go with her to get her thin­gies pierced… You know, her ta tas.

–Key Food, Broad­way & 187th St

Over­heard by: Tom Collins

(Get It? “Trick­le Down”?)

Prep­py guy: How are you feel­ing now?
Prep­py girl, with head in hands: Sigh. My right nos­tril is stuffed now. Can you help me?
Prep­py guy, balling his hand in­to a fist and play­ful­ly punch­ing girl’s nose: Ka­paiy­ow! Bing, bang, boom, biff, pow! (pause) Reaganomics!
(prep­py girl looks up, her face beam­ing)

–Carmine & Bleek­er

Pre­tends­day One-Lin­ers

I felt like I slept with Godzil­la or fuck­ing King Kong, I’m not deal­ing with this laid shit very well, huh?

–Hel­l’s Kitchen

Guy yelling, wear­ing dress shirt and slacks: I’m look­ing to kill about 14 or 15 vam­pires to­day. If any­one could help me out and point me in the di­rec­tion of a vam­pire lair, I could prob­a­bly kill 8 or 9 there. Thank you.

–8th St & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: Jon

Boy to friend: Gan­dalf is kind of a pussy.

–Park Slope

Over­heard by: Sun­ny

Crazy woman: New York City is full of witch­craft. There are witch­es and war­locks among us. Thank the lord I have been saved.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: So­nia

Hobo, to him­self: It’s not a good time to be a witch. No, not a good time to be a witch.

–1 Train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Sun­burn in Lamp­light

Black girl, dis­cussing first date with friend: He was so fun­ny! Like, you know, white peo­ple, they don’t be fun­ny, but he was so fun­ny!

–F Train, Queens

Crazy black guy to pret­ty blonde tourist: Mar­ry me! I like white peo­ple too!

–Times Square

Girl out­side liquor store: I’­ma get white-girl drunk tonight.

–106th & 2nd

Over­heard by: steph

Black woman to half-black, half-Asian ba­by: You’re go­ing to get hit on by so many white guys!

–Metro-North Train

Over­heard by: Fact!

Black guy get­ting off train to black girl: Watch out for the white peo­ple.

–4 Train

Over­heard by: White Girl

How Is a Wednes­day One-Lin­er Like a Doorstop, Alex?

Con­duc­tor of very crowd­ed train: If you stand be­tween the doors, next to the signs that say “do not block the doors,” you’re prob­a­bly stu­pid. Sir! You! You in the white shirt! Get out of the doors!

–Metro-North Rail

Over­heard by: in my seat

Sub­way con­duc­tor, over PA, in thick Brook­lyn ac­cent: Get off the doors! What do you want, a death wish?

–Q Train

Over­heard by: Sophia

MTA con­duc­tor, frus­trat­ed by pas­sen­gers pre­vent­ing doors from clos­ing: Let the doors close, I don’t tell you when to flip the burg­ers.

–Times Square Shut­tle

Con­duc­tor, over the PA, ex­as­per­at­ed: Ladies and gen­tle­men, this is a *train.* That means there are four doors per car and ten cars in all. That makes forty doors through which you can en­ter and ex­it the train. This is­n’t a bus with on­ly one door. In or­der to keep the trains run­ning in a time­ly fash­ion, please use all avail­able doors. Thank you for your co­op­er­a­tion.

–Down­town F Train

Over­heard by: Rose

Train con­duc­tor, over PA: Hey, ke­mosabe, quit hold­ing the doors open! We got places to go.
(a few sec­onds lat­er) Let me know where you work, so I can hold open your doors!

–Down­town A Ex­press Train

Over­heard by: faith

Run for the Light, Wednes­day One-Lin­ers!

Old woman at din­er: I told you how I want to die, right? At 90, in child­birth.

–Broad­way & 14th, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: Matt

Guy on bus: Mr Strauss, I’m sor­ry I can’t make it in to­day, I have a fam­i­ly emer­gency, my wife’s sis­ter was mur­dered yes­ter­day.

–M16 Bus

Film stu­dent: If you’re gonna work in film, if you’re gonna think about my moth­er dy­ing, my grand­moth­er in hos­pi­tal, my fa­ther dy­ing, no, fuck all that shit. You got­ta fo­cus, say this is all that mat­ters right now.

–NY Film Acad­e­my Cafe

Over­heard by: Kather­ine

Man on phone: Some­times you just have to kill every­one and start over. (pause) Do it and call me back.

–28th Ave & Stein­way St