Girl: I want something salty!
Gay guy friend, in gay voice: Try the nuts.
–Cafeteria, Lehman College
Girl: I want something salty!
Gay guy friend, in gay voice: Try the nuts.
–Cafeteria, Lehman College
Student, about project: How big should I make it? I don’t feel like making a big ass thing.
Teacher: No, no. I don’t want a big ass thing. Just make is a small ass thing or a medium ass thing.
–Frank Sinatra School of the Arts
Woman yelling from window to group of teenage skateboarders: Shut the fuck up!
Teen: Bitch, you wanna come down here and get your pussy wet?
Woman: Grow some fucking hair on your balls! Then we’ll talk!
–49th St
Woman #1: Make sure they scoop out the center of my bagel. I’m on a diet, don’t need all those carbs.
Woman #2: I didn’t know they would do that.
Woman #1: Sure they will, and I want cream cheese and jelly on my bagel… Oh ya, and butter.
Woman #2: Do you want a coffee?
Woman #1: Please, and with three sugars.
–17th & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Linda
Male cashier: You comin’ this weekend?
Female cashier: Nooo! I can’t cuz I gotta go with my girlfriend downtown, she’s makin’ me go with her to get her thingies pierced… You know, her ta tas.
–Key Food, Broadway & 187th St
Overheard by: Tom Collins
Preppy guy: How are you feeling now?
Preppy girl, with head in hands: Sigh. My right nostril is stuffed now. Can you help me?
Preppy guy, balling his hand into a fist and playfully punching girl’s nose: Kapaiyow! Bing, bang, boom, biff, pow! (pause) Reaganomics!
(preppy girl looks up, her face beaming)
–Carmine & Bleeker
I felt like I slept with Godzilla or fucking King Kong, I’m not dealing with this laid shit very well, huh?
–Hell’s Kitchen
Guy yelling, wearing dress shirt and slacks: I’m looking to kill about 14 or 15 vampires today. If anyone could help me out and point me in the direction of a vampire lair, I could probably kill 8 or 9 there. Thank you.
–8th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Jon
Boy to friend: Gandalf is kind of a pussy.
–Park Slope
Overheard by: Sunny
Crazy woman: New York City is full of witchcraft. There are witches and warlocks among us. Thank the lord I have been saved.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Sonia
Hobo, to himself: It’s not a good time to be a witch. No, not a good time to be a witch.
–1 Train
Black girl, discussing first date with friend: He was so funny! Like, you know, white people, they don’t be funny, but he was so funny!
–F Train, Queens
Crazy black guy to pretty blonde tourist: Marry me! I like white people too!
–Times Square
Girl outside liquor store: I’ma get white-girl drunk tonight.
–106th & 2nd
Overheard by: steph
Black woman to half-black, half-Asian baby: You’re going to get hit on by so many white guys!
–Metro-North Train
Overheard by: Fact!
Black guy getting off train to black girl: Watch out for the white people.
–4 Train
Overheard by: White Girl
Conductor of very crowded train: If you stand between the doors, next to the signs that say “do not block the doors,” you’re probably stupid. Sir! You! You in the white shirt! Get out of the doors!
–Metro-North Rail
Overheard by: in my seat
Subway conductor, over PA, in thick Brooklyn accent: Get off the doors! What do you want, a death wish?
–Q Train
Overheard by: Sophia
MTA conductor, frustrated by passengers preventing doors from closing: Let the doors close, I don’t tell you when to flip the burgers.
–Times Square Shuttle
Conductor, over the PA, exasperated: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a *train.* That means there are four doors per car and ten cars in all. That makes forty doors through which you can enter and exit the train. This isn’t a bus with only one door. In order to keep the trains running in a timely fashion, please use all available doors. Thank you for your cooperation.
–Downtown F Train
Overheard by: Rose
Train conductor, over PA: Hey, kemosabe, quit holding the doors open! We got places to go.
(a few seconds later) Let me know where you work, so I can hold open your doors!
–Downtown A Express Train
Overheard by: faith
Old woman at diner: I told you how I want to die, right? At 90, in childbirth.
–Broadway & 14th, Astoria
Overheard by: Matt
Guy on bus: Mr Strauss, I’m sorry I can’t make it in today, I have a family emergency, my wife’s sister was murdered yesterday.
–M16 Bus
Film student: If you’re gonna work in film, if you’re gonna think about my mother dying, my grandmother in hospital, my father dying, no, fuck all that shit. You gotta focus, say this is all that matters right now.
–NY Film Academy Cafe
Overheard by: Katherine
Man on phone: Sometimes you just have to kill everyone and start over. (pause) Do it and call me back.
–28th Ave & Steinway St
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist