Archive for 2012

Lit­tle May Bee Had a Rough Child­hood.

Tod­dler: Maybe go up­stairs? Maybe go up­stairs?
Dad: Don’t start sen­tences with “maybe.” where are you get­ting this “maybe” from?
Tod­dler: Maybe go up­stairs?
Dad: Don’t say “maybe”! Be de­fin­i­tive.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Do You Spit or Swal­low, Sir?

Man at counter: I *love* this shit! (slaps tri­dent vi­tal­i­ty Vig­o­rate gum down on counter).
Cashiers: (gig­gle)
Man at counter: The fla­vor on­ly lasts like, two sec­onds, but… I just think it’s tasty.

–Du­ane Reade

The Olsen Twins’ Re­al­i­ty Show Was Short-lived.

Drunk girl #1: Wait, I think I ate all my gum. Do you have any gum?
Drunk girl #2: Wait, you ate it? Like, you swal­lowed it?
Drunk girl #1: No, but I love cig­a­rettes?

–3rd St & Mer­cer

Over­heard by: sub­way­bums

…Like Day­care!

Four-year-old girl to mom: It smells like weed on this bus?
Mom: What?
Four-year-old girl: It smells like weed on this bus!
(mom ig­nores her)

–S46 Bus, Stat­en Is­land

Over­heard by: Ex­pect­ing a child

God Bless the USA

Nan­ny to lit­tle boy: So Mat­ty, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Lit­tle boy: I want to be an as­tro­naut, a piz­za man, and sit on a bar stool like my dad­dy.

–Tin Tin’s Laun­dro­mat

…It’s Just That They Look Like Weld­ing Gog­gles

Girl #1: Are those sun­glass­es?
Girl #2: It’s sun­ny out­side! You can wear sun­glass­es any time of the year, so long as the sun is out! Es­pe­cial­ly if you’re like me and you have sen­si­tive eyes!
Girl #1: Okay…