Archive for 2012

Anna and Tyler Put the “Special” in “Special Victims’ Unit”

Girl: My dad keeps telling me if someone tries to rape me, I should give him 300 dollars and run away while he’s confused.
Guy: If I were a girl, I’d give him my wallet and tell him if he doesn’t rape me, I’ll give him my money and lead him to someone he can rape instead.
Girl: (stunned silence)
Guy: I don’t know why all women don’t do that! Just tell him you’ll lead him to another girl to rape and he’ll let you go!
Girl: But that’s so mean! I couldn’t do that to another woman.
Guy: No, no, you don’t actually take him to another woman. You just tell him that so he’ll follow you around until you find a man. And then the man gets rid of the rapist for you.

–Washington Square Park

Silence Is Pretty Sweet.

Guy #1: It wasn’t even sweet! Why would they say that?
Guy #2: Well, you know sweet is just meant to be an abstract representation of an idea that’s highly subjective…
Guy #1: Dude, I don’t care. It wasn’t sweet, right man?
Guy #3: I don’t know. But, yeah I don’t think it was sweet.
Guy #1: Exactly! Wait, why am I asking you? You have no taste.
Guy #3: This is true.
Guy #2: You know, if we could get sweet down to the chemical level, I’m sure…
Guy #1: Dude, shut up.

–Columbia University

…Should We Ask Them for Dieting Tips?

Woman to three-year old girl: Look, honey, that is a seagull.
Husband: That is one tiny fish tank for a seagull.
Woman: I know, right?
Husband: So weird, how half of these animal cages look so nice, and the other have look like?
Woman: Auschwitz, 1945.
Husband: I know, right?

–Bronx Zoo

Hunger Is No Game

Nerdy ceramics teacher over noisy students talking about Hunger Games premier: Everyone… Everyone listen up. I have and announcement to make. (all listen) Stop talking… Especially about Hunger Games .
Same ceramics teacher, next day: You’re all getting too distracted and noisy! You get carried way by the littlest things! You get distracted by brownies (kid selling brownies under counter stops), you get distracted by Hunger Games… And you’re hungry… And you think this is all a game… Stop playing your hunger… games!

–LaGuardia Arts High School

An Unwanted One?

Child, thoughtfully: Did you have a baby shower for me mommy?
Mother: No. You was a accident.

–Downtown 6 Train

…Why Are You Not Taking Notes?

History professor: Before our lecture today I’d like to start off with a quote by Paul Eldridge. “History is the transformation of tumultuous conquerors into silent footnotes.“
Student: (raises hand)
History professor: Yes?
Student: What the fuck does that mean?
History professor: It means until I’m dead you will not cuss in my classroom, dammit!


Given the Price Of Cigarettes

Guy #1: I’m living off apples, cigarettes, and granola bars! I’m living the grind!
Guy #2: You’re living the cry, not the grind.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Donna

Hence the Spots?

Young woman to man playing guitar: Hey, I didn’t know you play here.
Man playing guitar: I go where the sun takes me.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Kara

Or Did You Mean the Musical?

Tourist #1: Excuse me, do you know where 42nd street is?
Tourist #2: Between 41st and 43rd, I think.

–40th St & Broadway