Archive for 2012

Next: Birthers

High school girl to friend: I know he lying!
Confused female friend: How?
High school girl: Cuz I know a liar from a truther… That’s how!

–McDonald’s, The Bronx

Overheard by: Ange

Mama Had a Life Before You, Maxwell

Mother: Now you get to sit in one of these cool chairs, and you put your head back and get shampooed!
Child: No! I don’t want that!
Mother: Okay, can I talk to you for a minute? Mama does this all the time. And it’s nice, because your head is back, no water gets into your eyes at all. Or on your face. Okay?
Child: Okay. (pause) I say no.

–Scott J Salon, 114th & Broadway

Taint on My Diet, Amy

Female teen #1: You’re not a girl until you get your (points to her crotch) waxed.
Female teen #2: I was thinking of getting my ass crack waxed.
Female teen #1: Yeah, that shit is hairy. You’ve got to start when your 7 or 8 to tame it.
Female teen #2: Wanna fry?

–5 Train

And Hold the Salad?

Effeminate guy: Can I have the corn salad please, with no corn?
Waiter: Sure!

–Taza Cafe, Brooklyn Heights

Wednesday U.N.-Liners

Loud guy, comfortingly: Listen, you shouldn’t be embarrassed that you’re Polish.

–14th St & University

Woman on the train: And then he said, “ciao bella” and I was like, “I don’t speak French, you idiot.”

–Penn Station

Exasperated girl on cell to boyfriend sitting next to her: I’m trying to tell him we’ll get there early but he’s not listening, he just keeps making those frenchy sounds at me.

–Bus from New York to Montreal

Guy to his friends: He reminds me of Stalin. (pause) You know, that Russian guy who always cusses at people.

–72nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Fancy

Wednesday M4M-Liners

40-something guy to 30-something woman: Your husband’s kinda gay.

–30th Ave & 30th St

Overheard by: Ferna

Girl, after being told that every guy at NYU is gay: Every guy in New York is gay!

–Barnard College

Average-looking guy to flamboyantly dressed guy: I got fat, but you got gay.

–West Village

Overheard by: Ian

Mom to young child: No, he was just pretending to be gay, to trick her!

–15th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Lotte

Wednesday One-Liners Avoid the Sins Of the Flesh.

Hobo, pulling hot dog out of a bin, taking a bite, and throwing it straight on the footpath: This is a fucking vegetarian dog!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Mike

Ditz: I’ve become a vegetarian. Specifically, a Presbyterian. Like, you know, I eat fish and lobster… (friend nods knowingly)

–Union Square

Overheard by: wgoddessw

Older woman getting out of the subway with a bike, singing: Vegan is the way, vegans are the best, vegans have better health, vegans have better sex.

–Houston & Lafayette

Overheard by: Carnivore

Man to friend on bike: You’re not a vegetarian anymore! Now you’re a cannibal.

–Tomkins Square Park

Vegetarian: I’m vegetarian, but I still eat sugar.

–Red Bamboo

Overheard by: Matt Maciejewski

“You Put Your Wednesday In, You Take Your Wednesday Out, You Put Your One-Liner In, and You Shake It All About…”

Middle-aged guy to another: So it’s like, which one do I give it to? One’s got one leg, and the other has no legs! (both laugh)

–61st & Broadway

Overheard by: Too many legs to be considered

Guy walking and talking on cell: Do you know how to sew? (pause) Not clothes, asshole. Skin!

–McCarren Park

Tipsy 30-something woman: It makes your cheeks look funny! The cheeks on your face!

–Restroom, Financial District Restaurant

Upper West Side lady: I have to develop my toes.

–Columbus & 69th St

Raise Your Hand If You Remember Rotary Wednesday One-Liners

African American man at the top of subway stairs: You sound African. There must be something wrong with my Bluetooth.

–Brooklyn Bridge/City Hall

Five-year-old boy: Put the phone down, mom. Now.

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: You go kid

Guy on cell: I woke up with all these guys’ numbers in my phone. (pause) No, I have no idea what happened.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Ladle

Lady: I called you to tell you to stop calling.

–Macy’s