Lady, admiring baby: He’s so cute! How old is he? How many months?
Mother: 17.
Lady: 17?! He’s so big for his age!
Mother: Really?
Lady: Yes! I would have guessed he was at least a year old!

–Downtown 6 Train

Girlfriend: I feel like that place is kind of expensive. It was 30 for a hello kitty with rhinestones. I mean, it was fancy shit. So that’s 35 unnecessarily on our credit card.
Boyfriend, unfazed and not paying attention: Well, it was fancy.

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: rick

Boyfriend, in lofty, thoughtful tone: Those vagina plates? I think are a metaphor for eating pussy.
Girlfriend: Wow.

–Brooklyn Museum

Overheard by: rick

Model type, walking in: Do you guys sell turkey burgers here?
Chef, yelling: No! We don’t sell any friggin’ turkey burgers! Get out of here!
(after she leaves, to remaining customers) Turkey burgers! Unbelievable! She’d probably just barf it up! Did you see her fingers? Stickin’ em down her throat is the only this those are good for!

–The Burger Joint

Overheard by: Ian Austin

Girl #1: I was surprised how much she hates Dallas.
Girl #2: Wait, do they live in Dallas, or is Dallas the baby’s name?

–83^rd & 2^nd

Overheard by: Richard

Customer, pointing out window: How is this Silence musical? Have you seen it?
Barista: Oh, yeah, it’s hilarious. The funniest thing I’ve ever seen in New York.
Customer: Wow, really?
Barista: Oh yeah! Well… Maybe not the funniest thing I’ve ever seen… Okay, it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen that didn’t involve somebody else’s misfortune.

–The Bean, 1^st & 9^th

Overheard by: Meli$$a

Construction worker to another: Do you use your arms at work?

–Utica/Eastern Parkway

Chick to friend: Vanity, when you let go of that pole, don’t touch your face!

–2 Train

Suit to another: My dick is cleaner than Penn Station.

–Penn Station

Teen girl: He loved me, I used to poke his fat!

–F Train

Man on cell: I mean, what’s there to be happy about, it’s Panera bread! She spent the little money she did make on cupcakes, that fat bitch!

–NYU

40-something woman: Can I get a plain bagel, microwaved, with cream cheese. Thank you.

–Lenny’s Bagels, Broadway & 98^th

Overheard by: Rstarr

Queeny teen to friend: Oh my god, can you believe we’ve been here for two weeks and we still haven’t had breakfast at Tiffany’s?

–Broadway & 79^th St

Overheard by: SOS

Gay guy to fag hag: I would suck a dick right now for a taco.

–Rusty Knot, West Village

Overheard by: caitlin

Helpful guy to tourist family: You’re a mile away from 42^nd Street. It’s twenty blocks to the south.

–72^nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Teen girl: Hey, are we still in Manhattan?

–Penn Station

Tourist man on cell: I’m the corner of Al-banee and Green-which… (pause) Al-banee and Green-which.

–Near ⁹⁄₁₁ Memorial

Girl on cell in the middle of Central Park: Yeah, where is it? (pause) 47^th and 9^th? Okay, we can be there soon, we’re on 76^th and Madison.

–Great Lawn, Central Park

Overheard by: minuterie

College student: I’d never done cocaine, but I was like ‘I gotta get out of here!’ I mean, I’m from North Carolina, you know.

–46^th & 8^th Ave

Overheard by: Evan

Suit: As god is my witness on crack!

–Q Train

Overheard by: radkins

Hobo, mumbling to himself: Shit, I just wanna buy weed, it’s gonna be legal anyway.

–Amsterdam & 96^th

Hobo, to himself: I’ll get on the subway as long as I’m stoned and no one touches me.

–23^rd & 6^th

Overheard by: JS