Archive for 2012

They Grow Up So Slow­ly

La­dy, ad­mir­ing ba­by: He’s so cute! How old is he? How many months?
Moth­er: 17.
La­dy: 17?! He’s so big for his age!
Moth­er: Re­al­ly?
La­dy: Yes! I would have guessed he was at least a year old!

–Down­town 6 Train

…And It Was Your Cred­it Card

Girl­friend: I feel like that place is kind of ex­pen­sive. It was 30 for a hel­lo kit­ty with rhine­stones. I mean, it was fan­cy shit. So that’s 35 un­nec­es­sar­i­ly on our cred­it card.
Boyfriend, un­fazed and not pay­ing at­ten­tion: Well, it was fan­cy.

–Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: rick

…What’s That on Your Lip?

Boyfriend, in lofty, thought­ful tone: Those vagi­na plates? I think are a metaphor for eat­ing pussy.
Girl­friend: Wow.

–Brook­lyn Mu­se­um

Over­heard by: rick

…Now, Who Wants Dessert?

Mod­el type, walk­ing in: Do you guys sell turkey burg­ers here?
Chef, yelling: No! We don’t sell any frig­gin’ turkey burg­ers! Get out of here!
(af­ter she leaves, to re­main­ing cus­tomers) Turkey burg­ers! Un­be­liev­able! She’d prob­a­bly just barf it up! Did you see her fin­gers? Stickin’ em down her throat is the on­ly this those are good for!

–The Burg­er Joint

Over­heard by: Ian Austin

Both

Girl #1: I was sur­prised how much she hates Dal­las.
Girl #2: Wait, do they live in Dal­las, or is Dal­las the baby’s name?

–83rd & 2nd

Over­heard by: Richard

…In My Bed

Cus­tomer, point­ing out win­dow: How is this Si­lence mu­si­cal? Have you seen it?
Barista: Oh, yeah, it’s hi­lar­i­ous. The fun­ni­est thing I’ve ever seen in New York.
Cus­tomer: Wow, re­al­ly?
Barista: Oh yeah! Well… Maybe not the fun­ni­est thing I’ve ever seen… Okay, it’s the fun­ni­est thing I’ve ever seen that did­n’t in­volve some­body else’s mis­for­tune.

–The Bean, 1st & 9th

Over­heard by: Meli$$a

Venus De Milo’s Miss­ing Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Con­struc­tion work­er to an­oth­er: Do you use your arms at work?

–Utica/Eastern Park­way

Chick to friend: Van­i­ty, when you let go of that pole, don’t touch your face!

–2 Train

Suit to an­oth­er: My dick is clean­er than Penn Sta­tion.

–Penn Sta­tion

Teen girl: He loved me, I used to poke his fat!

–F Train

Chefs­day One-Lin­ers

Man on cell: I mean, what’s there to be hap­py about, it’s Pan­era bread! She spent the lit­tle mon­ey she did make on cup­cakes, that fat bitch!

–NYU

40-some­thing woman: Can I get a plain bagel, mi­crowaved, with cream cheese. Thank you.

–Lenny’s Bagels, Broad­way & 98th

Over­heard by: Rstarr

Quee­ny teen to friend: Oh my god, can you be­lieve we’ve been here for two weeks and we still haven’t had break­fast at Tiffany’s?

–Broad­way & 79th St

Over­heard by: SOS

Gay guy to fag hag: I would suck a dick right now for a taco.

–Rusty Knot, West Vil­lage

Over­heard by: caitlin

Siri Says: “I’ve Found Some Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Fair­ly Close to You.”

Help­ful guy to tourist fam­i­ly: You’re a mile away from 42nd Street. It’s twen­ty blocks to the south.

–72nd & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Har­ri­et Vane

Teen girl: Hey, are we still in Man­hat­tan?

–Penn Sta­tion

Tourist man on cell: I’m the cor­ner of Al-ba­nee and Green-which… (pause) Al-ba­nee and Green-which.

–Near 9/11 Memo­r­i­al

Girl on cell in the mid­dle of Cen­tral Park: Yeah, where is it? (pause) 47th and 9th? Okay, we can be there soon, we’re on 76th and Madi­son.

–Great Lawn, Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: mi­nu­t­erie