Archive for 2012

They Grow Up So Slowly

Lady, admiring baby: He's so cute! How old is he? How many months?
Mother: 17.
Lady: 17?! He's so big for his age!
Mother: Really?
Lady: Yes! I would have guessed he was at least a year old!

–Downtown 6 Train

…And It Was Your Credit Card

Girlfriend: I feel like that place is kind of expensive. It was 30 for a hello kitty with rhinestones. I mean, it was fancy shit. So that's 35 unnecessarily on our credit card.
Boyfriend, unfazed and not paying attention: Well, it was fancy.

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: rick

…What's That on Your Lip?

Boyfriend, in lofty, thoughtful tone: Those vagina plates? I think are a metaphor for eating pussy.
Girlfriend: Wow.

–Brooklyn Museum

Overheard by: rick

…Now, Who Wants Dessert?

Model type, walking in: Do you guys sell turkey burgers here?
Chef, yelling: No! We don't sell any friggin' turkey burgers! Get out of here!
(after she leaves, to remaining customers) Turkey burgers! Unbelievable! She'd probably just barf it up! Did you see her fingers? Stickin' em down her throat is the only this those are good for!

–The Burger Joint

Overheard by: Ian Austin

Both

Girl #1: I was surprised how much she hates Dallas.
Girl #2: Wait, do they live in Dallas, or is Dallas the baby's name?

–83rd & 2nd

Overheard by: Richard

…In My Bed

Customer, pointing out window: How is this Silence musical? Have you seen it?
Barista: Oh, yeah, it's hilarious. The funniest thing I've ever seen in New York.
Customer: Wow, really?
Barista: Oh yeah! Well… Maybe not the funniest thing I've ever seen… Okay, it's the funniest thing I've ever seen that didn't involve somebody else's misfortune.

–The Bean, 1st & 9th

Overheard by: Meli$$a

Venus De Milo's Missing Wednesday One-Liners

Construction worker to another: Do you use your arms at work?

–Utica/Eastern Parkway

Chick to friend: Vanity, when you let go of that pole, don't touch your face!

–2 Train

Suit to another: My dick is cleaner than Penn Station.

–Penn Station

Teen girl: He loved me, I used to poke his fat!

–F Train

Chefsday One-Liners

Man on cell: I mean, what's there to be happy about, it's Panera bread! She spent the little money she did make on cupcakes, that fat bitch!

–NYU

40-something woman: Can I get a plain bagel, microwaved, with cream cheese. Thank you.

–Lenny's Bagels, Broadway & 98th

Overheard by: Rstarr

Queeny teen to friend: Oh my god, can you believe we've been here for two weeks and we still haven't had breakfast at Tiffany's?

–Broadway & 79th St

Overheard by: SOS

Gay guy to fag hag: I would suck a dick right now for a taco.

–Rusty Knot, West Village

Overheard by: caitlin

Siri Says: “I've Found Some Wednesday One-Liners Fairly Close to You.”

Helpful guy to tourist family: You're a mile away from 42nd Street. It's twenty blocks to the south.

–72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Teen girl: Hey, are we still in Manhattan?

–Penn Station

Tourist man on cell: I'm the corner of Al-banee and Green-which… (pause) Al-banee and Green-which.

–Near 9/11 Memorial

Girl on cell in the middle of Central Park: Yeah, where is it? (pause) 47th and 9th? Okay, we can be there soon, we're on 76th and Madison.

–Great Lawn, Central Park

Overheard by: minuterie