Archive for 2012

Girls Think About Boys; Boys Think About Vagi­na

Teen chick #1: I just can’t tell how he re­al­ly feels about me…
Teen chick #2: He likes you! He chose you! It’s like Poke­mon! He took his poke­ball and said, “Nicole, I choose you”!
Teen chick #1: But, did he choose me? I think I chose him.
Teen chick #2: I don’t know. Which one of you fits in­to a poke­ball bet­ter?

–67th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Min­nie Amelia Rosario

On­ly You Un­der­stand Me, Rober­to

Dumb girl: Do you think if I learned Ital­ian I would get an ac­cent?
Dumb boyfriend: You know Span­ish and don’t have one.

–Strand Book­store

Over­heard by: j. hood

I’m Miss­ing Texts, Even As We Speak

Lit­tle girl: Mom­my, I want a phone.
Mom: You can’t have a phone.
Lit­tle girl: But all my friends in sec­ond grade have phones.

–Pizze­ria, Bat­tery Park City

Over­heard by: Bryan

One More Rea­son to Date Out­side Your Race

Small white cashier gal: Col­lard greens, grits… I just love all that stuff!
Large black cashier gal, gri­mac­ing: Not me, that’s slave food.

–Rite-Aid, Am­s­ter­dam & 69th St

Over­heard by: Su­san Vol­chok

Next Time I’ll Just Jack One

Five-year-old girl #1: Did I tell you that it took for­ev­er for me to find park­ing?
Five-year-old girl #2: No, re­al­ly?
Five-year-old girl #1: Yes, there was a big truck in my way and I had to dri­ve around for­ev­er, but I am here now. (girls go back to run­ning through the foun­tain)

–Play­ground, Long Is­land City

What With the Myso­pho­bia

Con­struc­tion work­er #1: Oh, my god. Is that him?
Con­struc­tion work­er #2: I don’t think so.
Con­struc­tion work­er #1, ex­cit­ed: I think it is! I think it is!
Con­struc­tion work­er #2: No way.
Con­struc­tion work­er #1, yelling: Yo, Howie! (to his bud­dy) Did he look?
Con­struc­tion work­er #2: Dude, Howie Man­del is not go­ing to be walk­ing around mid­town Man­hat­tan.

–Carnegie Hall

…First Time I’ve Heard That, Hon

Wait­ress, pour­ing beer to guy: Is that too much head for you, sir?
Guy, grin­ning lech­er­ous­ly: No, I can nev­er get enough!
Wait­ress: Oh my.

–Din­er, Mid­town

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Get Lost in Trans­la­tion

30-some­thing suit on cell: Uh-uh… see, I’m gonna sue his ass for defe­ca­tion of char­ac­ter. That’s defe­ca­tion of char­ac­ter right there.

–Flat­bush & Dekalb Ave

Over­heard by: Elisse

Thug on cell: I’m mean, it was all of that, de­pend­ing on how you, um, ya know, use these Eng­lish words. (pause) I mean, shit…

–17th & 2nd

Over­heard by: rick

Kid to friends, see­ing Mer­cedes road­ster: Man, look at its ex­haus­tion pipes!

–Jew­el Ave & Main St

Over­heard by: Bob­s­Big­Boys

Thugette on cell: I’m sor­ry. If I’­da knowed, you’­da wan­na went. I’­da seed you’­da got­ta get to go.

–Off-Track Bet­ting

Over­heard by: john­ny

Man to an­oth­er in the park: You got a mem­o­ry like a… fuhgetaboutit.

–Green­mar­ket, Union Square

Over­heard by: Er­ic Areva­lo

Wednes­day’s One-Lin­ers Refuse to Heal

Thug tween in pj pants: My wound is­n’t open. I checked in the bath­room.

–Park Slope, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: This Is Our Youth

Ec­cen­tric man, of­fer­ing crusty nap­kin to sneez­ing fe­male suit: Here, it’s bare­ly used.

–Crosstown Bus

Ston­er to fe­male friend: Be­fore you clip your fin­ger­nails, make sure your nose is clear of boogers.

–4 Train

Over­heard by: Patrick

Rich la­dy to rich friend: But then I checked, and it was­n’t ooz­ing, and so I fig­ured what the hell, you know?

–31st & 3rd

Over­heard by: Per­verse­ly cu­ri­ous