Archive for 2012

Is This a Stupid Question? Discuss.

Girl #1: So we’re going to visit your brother?
Girl #2: Yeah, he’s working tonight.
Girl #1: What’s his last name?

–Grand Central Terminal

Girls Think About Boys; Boys Think About Vagina

Teen chick #1: I just can’t tell how he really feels about me…
Teen chick #2: He likes you! He chose you! It’s like Pokemon! He took his pokeball and said, “Nicole, I choose you”!
Teen chick #1: But, did he choose me? I think I chose him.
Teen chick #2: I don’t know. Which one of you fits into a pokeball better?

–67th & Broadway

Overheard by: Minnie Amelia Rosario

Only You Understand Me, Roberto

Dumb girl: Do you think if I learned Italian I would get an accent?
Dumb boyfriend: You know Spanish and don’t have one.

–Strand Bookstore

Overheard by: j. hood

I’m Missing Texts, Even As We Speak

Little girl: Mommy, I want a phone.
Mom: You can’t have a phone.
Little girl: But all my friends in second grade have phones.

–Pizzeria, Battery Park City

Overheard by: Bryan

One More Reason to Date Outside Your Race

Small white cashier gal: Collard greens, grits… I just love all that stuff!
Large black cashier gal, grimacing: Not me, that’s slave food.

–Rite-Aid, Amsterdam & 69th St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Next Time I’ll Just Jack One

Five-year-old girl #1: Did I tell you that it took forever for me to find parking?
Five-year-old girl #2: No, really?
Five-year-old girl #1: Yes, there was a big truck in my way and I had to drive around forever, but I am here now. (girls go back to running through the fountain)

–Playground, Long Island City

…First Time I’ve Heard That, Hon

Waitress, pouring beer to guy: Is that too much head for you, sir?
Guy, grinning lecherously: No, I can never get enough!
Waitress: Oh my.

–Diner, Midtown

Wednesday One-Liners Get Lost in Translation

30-something suit on cell: Uh-uh… see, I’m gonna sue his ass for defecation of character. That’s defecation of character right there. 

–Flatbush & Dekalb Ave

Overheard by: Elisse

Thug on cell: I’m mean, it was all of that, depending on how you, um, ya know, use these English words. (pause) I mean, shit…

–17th & 2nd

Overheard by: rick

Kid to friends, seeing Mercedes roadster: Man, look at its exhaustion pipes!

–Jewel Ave & Main St

Overheard by: BobsBigBoys

Thugette on cell: I’m sorry. If I’da knowed, you’da wanna went. I’da seed you’da gotta get to go.

–Off-Track Betting

Overheard by: johnny

Man to another in the park: You got a memory like a… fuhgetaboutit.

–Greenmarket, Union Square

Overheard by: Eric Arevalo

Wednesday’s One-Liners Refuse to Heal

Thug tween in pj pants: My wound isn’t open. I checked in the bathroom.

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: This Is Our Youth

Eccentric man, offering crusty napkin to sneezing female suit: Here, it’s barely used.

–Crosstown Bus

Stoner to female friend: Before you clip your fingernails, make sure your nose is clear of boogers.

–4 Train

Overheard by: Patrick

Rich lady to rich friend: But then I checked, and it wasn’t oozing, and so I figured what the hell, you know?

–31st & 3rd

Overheard by: Perversely curious

If You Prick a Wednesday, Does He Not One-Liner?

Flamboyant male receptionist on front-desk phone: You can drink my blood, but don’t you drink anybody’s spit!

–W 40th St

NYPD officer to drunk: Sir, the more you move, the more you are going to bleed, and to the more you are going to want to pass out.

–62nd & Columbus

Overheard by: Andrew Bennett

Suit to hobo: I’m sorry but I can’t share a cab with you. Your eyes are bleeding.

–Spring St & Greene

Overheard by: hngryDavy

Vendor to another: I’ve only washed blood off money once. And I was on so many drugs, and in such a rush…

–Greenmarket, Union Square

Overheard by: Peter Kaufman