Archive for 2012

The Best Part Is, This Is the Best You’ll Ever Look

Teen girl #1 to friend, about a guy who walked past: Ewww, he’s so ug­ly! Look at him! He’s so tall… And fat!
Teen girl #2: You’re fat too!
Teen girl #1: You’re fat!
Teen girl #2: You’re fat and short! How about that?!
Teen girl #1: You are too!
Teen girl #2: I’m not fat… I’m chub­by.

–Broad­way & 145th St

…Soooo, Wan­na Fuck?

La­dy: I nev­er par­tic­i­pat­ed in Hal­loween. My mom would­n’t let us.
Man: You grew in the projects, how can you not have par­tic­i­pat­ed in Hal­loween? It’s the project kids fa­vorite hol­i­day… es­pe­cial­ly throw­ing rot­ten eggs.
La­dy: My mom kept us home a lot. She would have par­ties at our house every Fri­day night so we would­n’t roam the streets.
Man: Oh, that’s cool.
La­dy: Not re­al­ly, cuz she’s a se­mi-junkie.
Man: A se­mi-junkie?
La­dy: Yeah, she on­ly did weed and hero­in, so she could keep an eye on us. But my broth­er did crack.
Man: Oh… Well, I guess her eyes weren’t that good.
La­dy: Yeah… I guess not.
(awk­ward si­lence en­sues)

–Up­town B Train

Over­heard by: Azrael

Nine-Year-Olds Read The Ti­betan Book Of the Dead?

9‑year-old broth­er: And then you die, and you float around the whole earth, but you’re in­vis­i­ble, and you look for a new ba­by to be. But you don’t re­mem­ber who you were be­fore.
7‑year-old broth­er: I re­mem­ber, I re­mem­ber! My name was… Michael.
9‑year-old broth­er: No, your name was Ted­dy. And mine was Adolf. Adolf Hitler!
(they both laugh hys­ter­i­cal­ly)

–M15 Bus

Over­heard by: Fash­ion It So

For the Last Time, I’m Talk­ing About Tort Re­form.

Ital­ian kid #1: Dude, it’s com­pli­cat­ed…
Ital­ian kid #2: Whoa, whoa whoa! Avril-Lavinge com­pli­cat­ed or Face­book “it’s-com­pli­cat­ed”?
Ital­ian kid #1: I don’t even know why we are friends…

–8th Ave, Brook­lyn

An Is­land Long Enough So That the Lines Nev­er Bunch?

Woman #1: Ma’am, you need to move. We’re try­ing to get by here.
Woman #2, try­ing to squeeze in­to line of peo­ple to get out of the way: You’ll have to wait a sec­ond…
Woman #1: You self­ish, nasty witch! What are you, from the sub­urbs?

–Lau­ra Pels The­atre

Lat­er I’ll Teach You How to Fake Or­gasm

Tourist mom af­ter buy­ing a Chi­na­town purse: See sweet­ie, now we’ve had a re­al New York ex­pe­ri­ence!
Tourist teenage daugh­ter: Yeah mom, about as re­al as these bags.

–Chi­na­town

Over­heard by: Knock-off New York­er

Then What Are Eggs, Smar­ty­pants?

Nor­mal-look­ing guy: It’s eat­ing a ba­by.
Girl, af­ter long awk­ward pause: Okay… (paus­es again) Uh… Is that a good thing?
Nor­mal-look­ing guy: Yeah, I mean, they give you a bur­ri­to, but it’s a ba­by.
Girl: (looks very con­fused and starts to get alarmed)
Nor­mal-look­ing guy: It’s huge–it’s as big as a baby–it’s like eat­ing a ba­by.
Girl: Ohhh, that’s what you meant…
Nor­mal-look­ing guy: Yeah, I mean, I’m not gonna go kill a ba­by and eat it.
Girl, af­ter sigh of re­lief: Yeah. Good.

–8th Ave, Mid­town

Over­heard by: Al­iza

With An­gel Dust, but Still

Mom: How was your af­ter­noon?
Lit­tle girl: We got wings and pix­ie dust all over our­selves! It was so fun!
Ran­dom hobo: I did that too!

–7th Ave & W 4th

There’s a 20% Prob­a­bil­i­ty I’ll Let You Do That.

Cashier: This coupon gives you 20% off your en­tire pur­chase.
Cus­tomer: That’s not what I want! I want 20% off each item!
Cashier: I think that’s the same thing, ma’am.
Cus­tomer: You think you’re smart. I want to talk to a man­ag­er.

–Bed Bath & Be­yond, Brook­lyn