Archive for 2012

The Best Part Is, This Is the Best You'll Ever Look

Teen girl #1 to friend, about a guy who walked past: Ewww, he's so ugly! Look at him! He's so tall… And fat!
Teen girl #2: You're fat too!
Teen girl #1: You're fat!
Teen girl #2: You're fat and short! How about that?!
Teen girl #1: You are too!
Teen girl #2: I'm not fat… I'm chubby.

–Broadway & 145th St

…Soooo, Wanna Fuck?

Lady: I never participated in Halloween. My mom wouldn't let us.
Man: You grew in the projects, how can you not have participated in Halloween? It's the project kids favorite holiday… especially throwing rotten eggs.
Lady: My mom kept us home a lot. She would have parties at our house every Friday night so we wouldn't roam the streets.
Man: Oh, that's cool.
Lady: Not really, cuz she's a semi-junkie.
Man: A semi-junkie?
Lady: Yeah, she only did weed and heroin, so she could keep an eye on us. But my brother did crack.
Man: Oh… Well, I guess her eyes weren't that good.
Lady: Yeah… I guess not.
(awkward silence ensues)

–Uptown B Train

Overheard by: Azrael

Nine-Year-Olds Read The Tibetan Book Of the Dead?

9-year-old brother: And then you die, and you float around the whole earth, but you're invisible, and you look for a new baby to be. But you don't remember who you were before.
7-year-old brother: I remember, I remember! My name was… Michael.
9-year-old brother: No, your name was Teddy. And mine was Adolf. Adolf Hitler!
(they both laugh hysterically)

–M15 Bus

Overheard by: Fashion It So

For the Last Time, I'm Talking About Tort Reform.

Italian kid #1: Dude, it's complicated…
Italian kid #2: Whoa, whoa whoa! Avril-Lavinge complicated or Facebook “it's-complicated”?
Italian kid #1: I don't even know why we are friends…

–8th Ave, Brooklyn

An Island Long Enough So That the Lines Never Bunch?

Woman #1: Ma'am, you need to move. We're trying to get by here.
Woman #2, trying to squeeze into line of people to get out of the way: You'll have to wait a second…
Woman #1: You selfish, nasty witch! What are you, from the suburbs?

–Laura Pels Theatre

Later I'll Teach You How to Fake Orgasm

Tourist mom after buying a Chinatown purse: See sweetie, now we've had a real New York experience!
Tourist teenage daughter: Yeah mom, about as real as these bags.

–Chinatown

Overheard by: Knock-off New Yorker

Then What Are Eggs, Smartypants?

Normal-looking guy: It's eating a baby.
Girl, after long awkward pause: Okay… (pauses again) Uh… Is that a good thing?
Normal-looking guy: Yeah, I mean, they give you a burrito, but it's a baby.
Girl: (looks very confused and starts to get alarmed)
Normal-looking guy: It's huge–it's as big as a baby–it's like eating a baby.
Girl: Ohhh, that's what you meant…
Normal-looking guy: Yeah, I mean, I'm not gonna go kill a baby and eat it.
Girl, after sigh of relief: Yeah. Good.

–8th Ave, Midtown

Overheard by: Aliza

With Angel Dust, but Still

Mom: How was your afternoon?
Little girl: We got wings and pixie dust all over ourselves! It was so fun!
Random hobo: I did that too!

–7th Ave & W 4th

There's a 20% Probability I'll Let You Do That.

Cashier: This coupon gives you 20% off your entire purchase.
Customer: That's not what I want! I want 20% off each item!
Cashier: I think that's the same thing, ma'am.
Customer: You think you're smart. I want to talk to a manager.

–Bed Bath & Beyond, Brooklyn