Archive for 2012

A Wednesday One-Liner Can Also Be Used As a Letter Opener

Man: So I'm not going to be like, "pens!" (in falsetto) "Yeah!". I'm going to be like, "pens!" (in operatic baritone) "Yeah!"

–96th & Broadway

Guy on phone: Just hit her on the head with, like, a spatula… or a frying pan.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Jarred

Man standing on the street, mumbling: Dammit, spoon in your ass! (shouting) I was born with a spoon in my ass!

–13th & 5th

Overheard by: Nora

Woman: All of these improvements are bad!

–Bowery Kitchen Supply, Chelsea Market

Pow, Alice, Right to the Wednesday One-Liners!

Guy on cell: Also, it's not for nothing, but I wouldn't hesitate to slap the shit out of her.

–28th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Nathan

Well-fed black women to boyfriend: I will smack the color right off your face!

–Carmine & Bedford

Mother to screaming children: My hand is itching for a date with your face!

–50th & Park Ave

Wannabe thug, to wannabe thug friend: I'll let you punch me in the stomach ten times if you let me punch you in the face once.

–48th & 9th

Overheard by: Didn't know there was an exchange rate…

You Wouldn't Like Wednesday One-Liners When They Get Angry

Angry waitress: When Patty's mad, she goes to church. It don't help her!

–Diner, Fordham Rd

Hobo, punching brick wall: I'm not mad! I'm just testing my knuckles!

–Outside Webster Hall

Guy on street to female: Don't get mad or nothing, but you're a temporary hoe.

–Fulton Mall

Asian girl to Caucasian boyfriend: She's like, 'why are you mad?' and I'm like, 'I'm not mad. That's just my face.'

–West Village

Wednesday One-Drink-Minimum Liners

Middle-aged optimist: That's just the way it is, you're sitting in lemons and suddenly you get lemonade!

–JFK Jetblue Terminal

NYU guy to friends: I have a drinking problem. As in, when I drink water, I spill it all down my front. (demonstrates) See? (chuckles) Drinking problem.

–NYU

Undergrad girl: Yeah I'm, like, not a big fan of orange juice. Like, unless it's fresh-squeezed and, like, I'm in Florida or whatever. Otherwise, like, there's no need for that.

–Columbia University Gym

Brownstone Brooklyn mom to Packer-uniformed son holding bottle of orange soda: Honey, that has too much sugar. We have plenty of pomegranate juice at home.

–Brooklyn Trader Joe's

Overheard by: Steve

Wednesday One-Liners Hit the Snooze Button

Girl to friend: Dude, so I was totally falling asleep on the toilet at work and thought of you!

–Abilene, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Mateo

Homegirl on cell pacing by the subway: Woman put a cigarette out on my daughter. I hear about it, come rushing down, there's cop cars and shit out down the block. I pull up, pull out my gun, no shit, put that shit right in that bitch's mouth. And she didn't think I was serious till I cocked that mother fucker back an' scream, "what did you do to my daughter!?" Shit was crazy. And that was one of the most fucked up dreams I've ever had.

–1 Train

Overheard by: simon

Buff guy on cell: Yo, nigga, what up? I got the truth right here, I haven't slept for three days. You hear me? I been awake for three days! I ain't never gonna sleep again! I'm going for eternity! Eternity, nigga! I am the agent of god! The agent of god! You hear me?

–110th & Manhattan Ave

Overheard by: Flaxxxen

Comedy guy: I know you all like to get a lot of rest for your health. Well, this show will put you right to sleep.

–Times Square

Overheard by: meq

Hipster to girlfriend, stoically: I liked you better when you were sleeping.

–Bushwick

Wasn't This a Denzel Washington Movie?

Female MTA employee, over PA, after train doesn't stop at Fordham: Chris, we missed Fordham.
Male MTA employee, also over PA, sounding drunk: I fucked up.

–Metro-North Rail

Overheard by: Mike