Archive for 2012

A Wednes­day One-Lin­er Can Al­so Be Used As a Let­ter Open­er

Man: So I’m not go­ing to be like, “pens!” (in falset­to) “Yeah!”. I’m go­ing to be like, “pens!” (in op­er­at­ic bari­tone) “Yeah!”

–96th & Broad­way

Guy on phone: Just hit her on the head with, like, a spat­u­la… or a fry­ing pan.

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

Over­heard by: Jarred

Man stand­ing on the street, mum­bling: Dammit, spoon in your ass! (shout­ing) I was born with a spoon in my ass!

–13th & 5th

Over­heard by: No­ra

Woman: All of these im­prove­ments are bad!

–Bow­ery Kitchen Sup­ply, Chelsea Mar­ket

Pow, Al­ice, Right to the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers!

Guy on cell: Al­so, it’s not for noth­ing, but I would­n’t hes­i­tate to slap the shit out of her.

–28th & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: Nathan

Well-fed black women to boyfriend: I will smack the col­or right off your face!

–Carmine & Bed­ford

Moth­er to scream­ing chil­dren: My hand is itch­ing for a date with your face!

–50th & Park Ave

Wannabe thug, to wannabe thug friend: I’ll let you punch me in the stom­ach ten times if you let me punch you in the face once.

–48th & 9th

Over­heard by: Did­n’t know there was an ex­change rate…

You Would­n’t Like Wednes­day One-Lin­ers When They Get An­gry

An­gry wait­ress: When Pat­ty’s mad, she goes to church. It don’t help her!

–Din­er, Ford­ham Rd

Hobo, punch­ing brick wall: I’m not mad! I’m just test­ing my knuck­les!

–Out­side Web­ster Hall

Guy on street to fe­male: Don’t get mad or noth­ing, but you’re a tem­po­rary hoe.

–Ful­ton Mall

Asian girl to Cau­casian boyfriend: She’s like, ‘why are you mad?’ and I’m like, ‘I’m not mad. That’s just my face.’

–West Vil­lage

Wednes­day One-Drink-Min­i­mum Lin­ers

Mid­dle-aged op­ti­mist: That’s just the way it is, you’re sit­ting in lemons and sud­den­ly you get lemon­ade!

–JFK Jet­blue Ter­mi­nal

NYU guy to friends: I have a drink­ing prob­lem. As in, when I drink wa­ter, I spill it all down my front. (demon­strates) See? (chuck­les) Drink­ing prob­lem.

–NYU

Un­der­grad girl: Yeah I’m, like, not a big fan of or­ange juice. Like, un­less it’s fresh-squeezed and, like, I’m in Flori­da or what­ev­er. Oth­er­wise, like, there’s no need for that.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty Gym

Brown­stone Brook­lyn mom to Pack­er-uni­formed son hold­ing bot­tle of or­ange so­da: Hon­ey, that has too much sug­ar. We have plen­ty of pome­gran­ate juice at home.

–Brook­lyn Trad­er Joe’s

Over­heard by: Steve

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Hit the Snooze But­ton

Girl to friend: Dude, so I was to­tal­ly falling asleep on the toi­let at work and thought of you!

–Abi­lene, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Ma­teo

Home­girl on cell pac­ing by the sub­way: Woman put a cig­a­rette out on my daugh­ter. I hear about it, come rush­ing down, there’s cop cars and shit out down the block. I pull up, pull out my gun, no shit, put that shit right in that bitch’s mouth. And she did­n’t think I was se­ri­ous till I cocked that moth­er fuck­er back an’ scream, “what did you do to my daugh­ter!?” Shit was crazy. And that was one of the most fucked up dreams I’ve ever had.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: si­mon

Buff guy on cell: Yo, nig­ga, what up? I got the truth right here, I haven’t slept for three days. You hear me? I been awake for three days! I ain’t nev­er gonna sleep again! I’m go­ing for eter­ni­ty! Eter­ni­ty, nig­ga! I am the agent of god! The agent of god! You hear me?

–110th & Man­hat­tan Ave

Over­heard by: Flaxxxen

Com­e­dy guy: I know you all like to get a lot of rest for your health. Well, this show will put you right to sleep.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: meq

Hip­ster to girl­friend, sto­ical­ly: I liked you bet­ter when you were sleep­ing.

–Bush­wick

Was­n’t This a Den­zel Wash­ing­ton Movie?

Fe­male MTA em­ploy­ee, over PA, af­ter train does­n’t stop at Ford­ham: Chris, we missed Ford­ham.
Male MTA em­ploy­ee, al­so over PA, sound­ing drunk: I fucked up.

–Metro-North Rail

Over­heard by: Mike