Archive for August, 2014

It’s a Sad World Where Creepy Men Can’t Talk to Chil­dren

Creepy hobo: Oh, you got some ice wa­ter, that looks good.
Preschool girl who has just pulled out wa­ter bot­tle: (gives him look)
Preschool teacher: Jas­mine, put your wa­ter away!
Creepy hobo: She just wants some ice wa­ter.
Preschool teacher: Jas­mine, do you know that man? Are you talk­ing to him?
Preschool girl: No, he was talkin’ to me!
Creepy hobo: We was just talkin’ about ice wa­ter, noth­in’ wrong with that.

–N Train

Over­heard by: Na­tal­ie

A Nice Set of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Mod­est hoochie: Yeah, I can al­ways tell if a guy’s a fag or not by whether he checks out my tits.

–Penn Sta­tion

Teenage girl: That’s ’cause Puer­to Ri­cans come up to you and be like, “Hey, Ma­mi, lookin’ hot,” but Do­mini­cans come up to you and be like, “Yo, Ma­mi, you got nice tits!”

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

Over­heard by: er­lin­flask

Woman in tight shirt: I just know, you know, that at some point I’m go­ing to have sag­gy boobs.

–Ave A be­tween 5th & 6th

Over­heard by: Nathan

Guy: I con­tend that if you’re go­ing to al­low some­one to breast-feed in a pub­lic place, then I should be al­lowed to stare.

–Wd~50, Clin­ton St

Over­heard by: Evan

Tooth­less Brook­lynite: I’m sayin’ she used to have some good pussy and some big ole tit­ties. I’m talk­ing dou­ble E‑E’s. And she went to the doc­tor and had them cut off. Her tit­ties was cut off!

–A train

Over­heard by: The Law Pro­fes­sor

Teen girl to moth­er: Maybe I’ll do that. Or maybe I’ll just give my­self a boob job with a rusty but­ter knife and wa­ter bal­loons!

–N train

Guy: Well, it’s not like you can’t say you’ve nev­er had your bo­som in some­body’s el­bow be­fore.

–Stage door, Eu­gene O’Neill The­atre, West 49th St

I Love the New York Pub­lic Li­brary

Ex­cit­ed col­lege kid #1: Dude! We are to­tal­ly go­ing back there!
Ex­cit­ed col­lege kid #2: Def­i­nite­ly.
Ex­cit­ed col­lege kid #1: Hash, ‘shrooms, a shit­load of pot… We are get­ting fucked up this week­end and then we’re go­ing back there for more!
Ex­cit­ed col­lege kid #2: Yessssss.

–Bleeck­er & Sul­li­van

Over­heard by: won­der­ing where there is.

Get Ready to Be Afraid! (Hap­py Hal­loween)

Man on cell: I have two pho­bias. The post of­fice and the li­brary. And you want me to go to the post of­fice for you?

–Uni­ver­si­ty & 10th

Col­lege girl #1: What do you think is the sad­dest emo­tion or feel­ing?
Col­lege girl #2: I’m not sure, maybe fear.
Col­lege girl #1: Yeah, that’s a good one. Ya know, if we lived in Ethiopia you would have said hunger.

–71st be­tween 2nd & 3rd

Over­heard by: Lizz Tooher

Girl: Yeah, I al­ways wear black…I’m, like, scared of col­ors.

–El­e­va­tor, Par­sons School of De­sign

Guy: Yo, that Ham­bur­gler’s a scary moth­er­fuck­er, ’cause you nev­er know what that nig­ga be sayin’. He be all “rob­ble rob­ble rob­ble rob­ble” and shit!

–23rd & 6th

Over­heard by: Ta­co­log­ic

Woman: Holy crap, you scared the hell out of me. What are you sup­posed to be any­way, Her­cules?
Man: I’m Thor. Mighty son of Odin.

–N train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Send Mixed Sig­nals

Man: But they’ll talk to us! That’s the prob­lem with call­ing peo­ple — they talk to you!

–Union Square Park

Chick: For one thing, this guy sounds to­tal­ly sick and per­vert­ed; and, for an­oth­er, what’s his num­ber?

–Par­ty, 140th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Mr. P.

Girl on cell: He was like, ‘Thanks for do­ing that in a text,’ and I was like, ‘Thanks for say­ing that in an IM.’

–Park Ave & Union Square North

Col­le­giate on cell: Dude, why the hell are you call­ing me? I told you, just use My­Space.

–Park Ave South & 19th St

Queer look­ing at ring­ing cell: Shit! [An­swers phone in pleas­ant voice] Hi, An­drew!

–11th St & Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Colleen

Wednes­day One Lin­ers Lie about Their Size

Loud guy: I can turn my dick in­to a Whop­per with fries!

–Mac­Dou­gal Ale House

Over­heard by: La­dle

Small In­di­an boy: Pe­nis! Pe­nis! [His moth­er scolds him in Hin­di.] … Pe­nis!

–47th & 5th

10-year-old boy to friends: … And then he drew, like, three penis­es! And then I had to get home in, like, three and a half sec­onds!

–11th & 3rd

Over­heard by: Han­nah

Suit to an­oth­er: Je­sus Christ! It’s not my fault your pe­nis drips!

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Syd­ney

Dude to friend: Let’s think of words that rhyme with ‘dick.’

–49th & 7th

Pre-med chick: We had this ca­dav­er in lab that we called ‘Sch­lon­go’ be­cause his pe­nis was a foot long. No, se­ri­ous­ly, it was re­al­ly a foot long!

–Bod­ies Ex­hib­it

Over­heard by: a.j.w.