Girl #1: Wasn’t he gay for a while?
Girl #2: Well, just as long as it wasn’t on Sunday…
–St. Mark’s & 2nd
Archive for August, 2014
It’s a Sad World Where Creepy Men Can’t Talk to Children
Creepy hobo: Oh, you got some ice water, that looks good.
Preschool girl who has just pulled out water bottle: (gives him look)
Preschool teacher: Jasmine, put your water away!
Creepy hobo: She just wants some ice water.
Preschool teacher: Jasmine, do you know that man? Are you talking to him?
Preschool girl: No, he was talkin’ to me!
Creepy hobo: We was just talkin’ about ice water, nothin’ wrong with that.
–N Train
Overheard by: Natalie
A Nice Set of Wednesday One-Liners
Modest hoochie: Yeah, I can always tell if a guy’s a fag or not by whether he checks out my tits.
–Penn Station
Teenage girl: That’s ’cause Puerto Ricans come up to you and be like, “Hey, Mami, lookin’ hot,” but Dominicans come up to you and be like, “Yo, Mami, you got nice tits!”
–Columbus Circle
Overheard by: erlinflask
Woman in tight shirt: I just know, you know, that at some point I’m going to have saggy boobs.
–Ave A between 5th & 6th
Overheard by: Nathan
Guy: I contend that if you’re going to allow someone to breast-feed in a public place, then I should be allowed to stare.
–Wd~50, Clinton St
Overheard by: Evan
Toothless Brooklynite: I’m sayin’ she used to have some good pussy and some big ole titties. I’m talking double E‑E’s. And she went to the doctor and had them cut off. Her titties was cut off!
–A train
Overheard by: The Law Professor
Teen girl to mother: Maybe I’ll do that. Or maybe I’ll just give myself a boob job with a rusty butter knife and water balloons!
–N train
Guy: Well, it’s not like you can’t say you’ve never had your bosom in somebody’s elbow before.
–Stage door, Eugene O’Neill Theatre, West 49th St
I Love the New York Public Library
Excited college kid #1: Dude! We are totally going back there!
Excited college kid #2: Definitely.
Excited college kid #1: Hash, ‘shrooms, a shitload of pot… We are getting fucked up this weekend and then we’re going back there for more!
Excited college kid #2: Yessssss.
–Bleecker & Sullivan
Overheard by: wondering where there is.
Get Ready to Be Afraid! (Happy Halloween)
Man on cell: I have two phobias. The post office and the library. And you want me to go to the post office for you?
–University & 10th
College girl #1: What do you think is the saddest emotion or feeling?
College girl #2: I’m not sure, maybe fear.
College girl #1: Yeah, that’s a good one. Ya know, if we lived in Ethiopia you would have said hunger.
–71st between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Lizz Tooher
Girl: Yeah, I always wear black…I’m, like, scared of colors.
–Elevator, Parsons School of Design
Guy: Yo, that Hamburgler’s a scary motherfucker, ’cause you never know what that nigga be sayin’. He be all “robble robble robble robble” and shit!
–23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Tacologic
Woman: Holy crap, you scared the hell out of me. What are you supposed to be anyway, Hercules?
Man: I’m Thor. Mighty son of Odin.
–N train
It’s a Tale As Old As Time
Preppy blonde: And I would be in the alley, all secret… And then out of nowhere people in the street would hear “Fuck yeah–crack!” coming from the alley, and then the police would come, and I would totally be saying goodbye to my chances at Yale.
Tiny brunette friend: Yeah, totally.
–82nd & York
Which Is Why Your Name Is “Suburban”
Four-year-old girl: Daddy, you love your Bourbon, don’t you?
Embarrassed dad: Sh, sweetie…daddy’s car is called a “Suburban.”
–Kings Plaza Mall
Wednesday One-Liners Send Mixed Signals
Man: But they’ll talk to us! That’s the problem with calling people — they talk to you!
–Union Square Park
Chick: For one thing, this guy sounds totally sick and perverted; and, for another, what’s his number?
–Party, 140th & Broadway
Overheard by: Mr. P.
Girl on cell: He was like, ‘Thanks for doing that in a text,’ and I was like, ‘Thanks for saying that in an IM.’
–Park Ave & Union Square North
Collegiate on cell: Dude, why the hell are you calling me? I told you, just use MySpace.
–Park Ave South & 19th St
Queer looking at ringing cell: Shit! [Answers phone in pleasant voice] Hi, Andrew!
–11th St & University
Overheard by: Colleen
It Is Cool — We Just Have to Pretend Otherwise
Texan teen #1: Look! Look over there!
Texan teen #2: Where?! I don’t see it! What?! [Texan teen #1 points to man playing keyboard and singing.] Ohhh my god! He’s singin’! Cooool! Wow! God!
–Port Authority station
Wednesday One Liners Lie about Their Size
Loud guy: I can turn my dick into a Whopper with fries!
–MacDougal Ale House
Overheard by: Ladle
Small Indian boy: Penis! Penis! [His mother scolds him in Hindi.] … Penis!
–47th & 5th
10-year-old boy to friends: … And then he drew, like, three penises! And then I had to get home in, like, three and a half seconds!
–11th & 3rd
Overheard by: Hannah
Suit to another: Jesus Christ! It’s not my fault your penis drips!
–Times Square
Overheard by: Sydney
Dude to friend: Let’s think of words that rhyme with ‘dick.’
–49th & 7th
Pre-med chick: We had this cadaver in lab that we called ‘Schlongo’ because his penis was a foot long. No, seriously, it was really a foot long!
–Bodies Exhibit
Overheard by: a.j.w.
