Bitch on cell: You know what my number one pet peeve is? Intolerence!
–Williamsburg
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Archive for September, 2014
He Tells Everyone She’s Gifted.
Young daughter, pointing: That trash can is stinky!
Haggard father: Yes, it’s a very stinky trash can.
–87th St & West End
Overheard by: Special K
Having Corrected This Simple Misunderstanding, They Easily Overcame All the Racial Strife in New York
Black girl #1: Yo, why’s no one standin’ wid us? They too good for us?
Black girl #2: It’s ’cause we’re black, yo.
–86th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: The White Girl Standing Next to Them
Wednesday One-Liner Often Wonder How It Started To Be Spelled That Way
Girl: …well it stopped working ’cause it got cum in it.
–W 27th St
Chick: I’m starving. The only protein I’ve had all day is an accidental cum shot to the face earlier this morning.
–SoHo
Guy to friends: If y’all was to really write it down and make a… a food chain of all of who used to date who, and who’s dating who now, I bet you y’all got all the same juices running up in y’all system.
–2 Train
Overheard by: Kosi
Passing guy on cell: All I’m saying is everyone should have control over where their sperm goes.
–7th Ave
Hoochie on cell : Because I manage to get very juicy.
–L Train
Drunk girl at restaurant holding a champagne bottle: Excuse me, sir, can you open this for me? I’m afraid it’s going to cum everywhere.
–Kaleidoscope, E 10th St
College dude: I bet there’s semen somewhere on this grass.
–Great Lawn, Central Park
Overheard by: Liz
Tonight’s Lifetime Movie: Dakota– Portrait of a Serial Killer
Nine-year-old girl: Mom, that kitten is so cute! Can we get a kitten?
Mother: Honey, I know it’s cute, but we have to take care of the two cats we already have.
Nine-year-old girl: No, I know. I mean when they die.
–Veterinarian Waiting Room, Upper East Side
Overheard by: Ben A
Says the Boy Who Was in a Bondage Video with Kobe Bryant!
Chick: So, Jerry Springer was in my office today, and I overheard him telling the guy he was talking to on the phone that I was attractive.
Queer: Wow. I hate you. In the best way possible. I hate you.
Chick: Why? Because he’s my new boyfriend?
Queer: Because one of the coolest sketchy famous people in the world called you attractive in a remarkably sketchy way. If I ever have to talk you off a self-esteem ledge again, I’m tagging out and killing myself.
–46th & 6th
Overheard by: Gays and their Hags, on the next Springer!
Just Making Conversation
Cashier: That’s $1.50.
Drunk: You’re killing me, man! Hey, do you know if the liquor store’s still open?
Suit: You don’t?
–10th St & 4th Ave
Another Year Older and None the Wednesday One-Liner
Guy on cell: Happy birthday! (pause) Okay, call me when you’re drunk!
–45th St
Girl on cell: Then when I volunteered to give her to him on his birthday.
–Court St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Vincent L.
Crazy guy: I’m turning 65 tomorrow… Stayin’ away from hoes…
–St. Mark’s & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Bruce Lee
Guy to friend: I am boycotting your birthday if I can see your butt cheeks in your outfit.
–23rd & 3rd
Much Like the Classic Comedy Routine Who’s Stabbed First?
Fancy girl #1: Did I tell you about the guy that got jumped last week in Midtown?
Fancy girl #2: No.
Fancy girl #1: Well, he was walking down the street alone and this, like, thug guy came up to him with a knife and was like “give me your money” and started to like, wail on him.
Fancy girl #2: Oh my gosh, was he okay?
Fancy girl #1: Well… The guy that was in the process of being jumped turned out to be like some hardcore MMA fighter and ended up pulling some moves on him and turning the knife on the guy who tried to jump him! (pause) I think he even stabbed him in the leg with his own knife. I think so. (looks at phone) Yeah, he definitely did. Isn’t that funny?
Fancy girl #2: Yeah, that’s so crazy! (laughs)
–Q Train
And My Impasto Technique
Girlfriend: I just had an… [glances at boyfriend]… orgasm.
Boyfriend, smugly: Because of me.
–The Met
