Archive for October, 2014

Like Snowflakes, No Two Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Iden­ti­cal

Loud chick to male com­pan­ion: And she sings when she or­gasms! Like, “a‑a-a-a-aaaah!” and “e‑e-e-e-eeeeeee!”

–Down­town 1 Train

Over­heard by: La­dle

Man out­side Star­bucks: Dude! I gave Sharon an or­gasm over the phone last night. (laughs)

–Star­bucks, 14th St

Over­heard by: Eliz­abel

Sub­way mu­si­cian: Y’all bet­ter be good ’cause San­ta Claus on­ly comes once a year. But that’s be­tween him and Mrs. Claus.

–W 4th St Sub­way Plat­form

Young man on cell: It looks like a 42-inch or­gasm.

–Pos­man Books, Grand Cen­tral Ter­mi­nal

Over­heard by: ant

Hot chick to an­oth­er: You’re like the Moth­er Tere­sa of or­gasms!

–1020 Bar, 110th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Chuck Bass

There’s No Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Like Show Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Fes­ter­ing pedes­tri­an: Well, he did­n’t men­tion my name at the Tonys, and for that I’ll nev­er for­give him.

–43rd St & 10th Ave

Over­heard by: Ryan

Pro­duc­er of an un­suc­cess­ful off-Broad­way play: That’s what this show makes me do. Every­day I get here and just squeeze my neck just like this, I just squeeze it. I don’t do this any­where else.

–Chelsea The­ater

Over­heard by: Kyle

Au­di­ence mem­ber to friend: Of course it sucks. It’s Shake­speare.

Mac­beth Per­for­mance, Bat­tery Park

Hip­ster guy: I think this play is by the same guy who wrote Ten Things I Hate about You

–NY­CL Pro­duc­tion of Shake­speare’s Cym­be­line, Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: digam­ma

Hip­ster girl: Last time I was in the third row, but I think I like these bet­ter. At least I won’t get my head humped tonight.

Hair Per­for­mance, Dela­corte The­atre

Teeny­bop­per at in­ter­mis­sion: Joe Jonas would make such an in­cred­i­ble bode­ga guy!

–Richard Rodgers The­atre

Scrooge Mc­Duck­’s Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Fash­ion­ista to an­oth­er: It did­n’t taste that good, but I re­al­ly need­ed the mon­ey.

–Madi­son Ave

Over­heard by: John Galt Jr.

Fash­ion stu­dent: The thing I can’t stand about fine arts is how ob­sessed with mon­ey it’s be­come… Yeah, so I’m leav­ing the pro­gram to study ad­ver­tis­ing.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Over­heard by: no­va sco­tia

Se­cu­ri­ty guard to an­oth­er: I ain’t here for the mon­ey. I’m here for the fuckin’ pres­tige.

–West­min­ster Dog Show, Madi­son Square Gar­den

Over­heard by: Am­ber Star

White chick on cell: Hi, hon­ey! How are you? Are you be­ing tick­led by coins? Are you be­ing tick­led by coins?!

–La­Guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: mela

Guy on cor­ner: Can you spare any change or fre­quent fly­er miles?

–14th & 6th

Over­heard by: Sci­en­tif­ic

Frumpy la­dy to Joey Ra­mone looka­like: I’m feel­ing aw­ful­ly con­sti­pat­ed, ba­by! Con­sti­pat­ed with mon­ey is the way I like to be!

–3rd Ave, Bay Ridge

Un­cle Wal­ter­geist

Old guy in group: So, I saw this spe­cial last night on haunt­ings, and there was this one seg­ment that re­mind­ed me so much of sto­ries my aunt used to tell us about grow­ing up in Brook­lyn. She says their house had a ghost that haunt­ed their at­tic and–
Young guy, in­ter­rupt­ing: –Oh, cool! Was it the kind of ghost that tips over fur­ni­ture and rat­tles tea cups, or the kind that flips you over in your sleep and rapes you up your ass?
Group: [Pal­pa­ble si­lence.]

–Cen­tral Park Lawn

How Much Is That Wednes­day One-Lin­er in the Win­dow?

50-some­thing Long Is­land woman, show­ing pic­tures of her dog while talk­ing non-stop about it: And this is Ci­ci wear­ing a hat, she usu­al­ly wears a hat when she goes out. And this is Ci­ci, very drunk…

–LIRR

Over­heard by: Adam Nathan

Guy on cell walk­ing a tiny poo­dle: Dude! The dog did it again. (pause) No, I swear, dude. The. Dog. Did. It. Again. (pause) Dude! This dog talks. Talks.

–Broad­way & 43rd St, As­to­ria

(lit­tle girl fin­ish­es pet­ting a stranger’s dog)
Girl’s moth­er: Now say “thank you” to its hu­man.

–Cen­tral Park Lawn

Hy­per tween school­girl: Hey mom, re­mem­ber when we brought the dog to the mall and he peed in a co­conut?

–La Pal­lette, 12th St

Guy to friend: I love her more than any­thing, but some­thing about the way her pup­py’s paws smell re­al­ly seal it.

–Rosa’s Piz­za, Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Craig