Archive for 2014

Back Home We Have Camps for People Like You!

Angry European husband: Listen, you take American currency, don’t you? We can pay US cash! That’s money!
Clerk: Sir, the sign says credit, debit or gift card only. We can’t accept money at this counter. You have to go to the other side.
Angry European husband: This is bullshit. You don’t accept money? You’re a liar who doesn’t know English! I see everyone here paying money at this counter!
Clerk: Sir, we can’t take money at this counter. No cash. No money. Just cards.
Angry European wife: Shut up! You’re so stupid!
Clerk: Alright. Bye, have a nice day. Next.
Angry European wife: Shut up! You’re so stupid! Learn English before you get a job here!

–Century 21 across from WTC

Headline by: snarls

· “Any Wonder They’ve Starteed Two World Wars Was Immediately Dispatched” — Ty
· “Charles & Camilla Charmed Everyone During Their Visit” — Zoot, Just Zoot
· “Go Back To Whatever Country I Came From” — Kevin P
· “God, I HATE Being Trapped in This Stupid Visa Commercial!” — Never Carries Cash
· “It’s Getting Difficult To Tell The Tourists From Natives” — Trey Jackson
· “La Vengeance Est Douce: or How We Learned to Stop Worrying and Love America” — noon
· “The American Meltdown Pot” — Qasar
· “Whose Line Was That, Anyway?” — Marie

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

If Your Finances Are in the Black

Chick: Why did you move my beverage to the floor?
Woman #1: You’re not supposed to have drinks on the train. Especially not on the seats.
College chick: It’s not going to spill. Are you a cop?
Woman #1: No, I’m a taxpayer.
Chick: So am I. I have rights, too.
Woman #1: Yeah, I’m a cop.
Woman #2: Can you be a taxpayer and a cop?

–1 train

This Week on The El Word

Blonde #1: I feel like I didn’t apply to enough colleges. [Looks at poster of the University of Chicago] Oooh, Chicago. I should go there.
Dude: You won’t get in.
Blonde #1, ignoring him: Where is Chicago, anyway? It’s a country, right? Ohhh, wait! I’m so stupid. It’s a state!
Blonde #2: Duh.

–College office, High School of Telecommunication Arts and Technology, Brooklyn

Overheard by: …If I didn’t get in, she shouldn’t even be applying

Put This in Your Wednesday One-Liner and Smoke It!

High school kid in line at Whole Foods: I read this scary article about how doing acid can permanently mess with your serotonin levels and make you depressed and shit… I guess I should do shrooms instead.

–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Middle-aged gangster on phone: You high for nothin’… High for nothin’!… Man, nobody tryin’ to threaten you!

–Ave C & E 14th st

Guy on cell: I failed my drug test and everything. I’ve done drank the juice, I’ve drunk mad water, I pissed my life away, that shit didn’t clear nuthin’. Dude said I had like five mammograms in my system.

–Atlantic Terminal

Overheard by: Jess

Grungy man on bike: Books! Sushi! And last but not least… druuuuugs!

–14th St & Union Square East

She’s Bulimic, Not Sarcastic

Chick on cell: Fuck! I thought I told you not to touch that, asshole!
Chick #2: Watch your mouth, please. Not all of us want to hear that.
Chick on cell: Hey, I’ve got a ham hock and a cheesecake in my purse. I’ll give it to you if you mind your own business. Fair enough? 

–F train