Archive for 2014

Next: Toilet Water

Teen boy #1: And then I stood between two cars. And then I took a dump on the sidewalk. And I had some toilet tissue, but I needed it to blow my nose.
Teen boy #2: You call it “toilet tissue”?

–L Train


The Search for Meaning Is Making Me Tired

Chick: Do you ever wonder if we’ll get tired of being so rich? You know, like what if later in life we randomly, like, decide to renounce our possessions or something drastic and move to Africa?
Man: What, are you saying you don’t enjoy our lifestyle anymore?
Chick: I don’t know… hey, do you wanna get some coke later?

–82nd & 1st

Overheard by: chuzzle in space

Wednesday One-Liners Have Hairy Palms

Guy to friend: I can’t do that – I mean, I need time to sit around and play with myself.

–1 Train

Woman leaving ATM, on cell: …is the difference between that and masturbation.

–7th & Union, Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ladle

Man to another: So what you about to get in to? I’m going to the peep show to jerk off. (pause) Awwwright, yo, I’ll see you later. 

–41st & 8th Ave

Guy, to gal: Look, if a girl masturbates with a plastic mold of my penis, that is [i]not[/i] me cheating on you.

–Elevator, Citigroup Building

Overheard by: Ladle


Wednesday One-Liners after Labor Day? Shocking!

Rich lady: I bought this outfit for myself to make up for my miserable youth.

–Union Square West

Overheard by: Zac

Yuppie to toddler sitting on friend’s lap: … And the benefit of wearing Nike clothing is that it’s made by children not much older than you.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Ardbeg78

Trendy chick: I can’t go to places like Forever 21 and Urban Outfitters ’cause they study and watch me on camera, ripping off my style.

–Bar, 14th St & Ave B

Overheard by: Karl Karlson

Girl: Trench coats are never a good sign.

–M14D bus, 1st Ave

Overheard by: melanie

Loud queer to friend: Ummm, do you know where I can get some Lycra spandex leopard-print leggings?

–The Village

Overheard by: S

Is It Really an Accomplishment to Score Pussy If You’re Gay?

Hipster: I’ve been meaning to talk to you about your new look. It’s rather… um… guido.
Guido: Yeah, I know. But the pussy, dude — the pussy, you wouldn’t believe.
Hipster: It better be good, because your eyebrows are waxed. And you’re a man.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: guido hater