Archive for 2014

Why Does This Li­cense Say “I.C. Wein­er”?

TSA em­ploy­ee at a se­cu­ri­ty check­point: Do you have an­oth­er pho­to ID? Ex­pired dri­ver li­cens­es are in­valid.
Girl car­ry­ing tabloid: But what if you, like, don’t dri­ve?
TSA em­ploy­ee: You can’t use an ex­pired li­cense as iden­ti­fi­ca­tion.
Girl car­ry­ing tabloid: Yeah, but what if you did­n’t dri­ve?

–Kennedy Air­port

She Has Wretched Refuse on Her Wish List

Chick: Why does­n’t any­one give mon­u­ments as gifts any­more?
Teen boy: …Ha, ha, ha!
Chick: No, you know what I mean, like the Stat­ue of Lib­er­ty.
Teen boy: Would­n’t it be great to blind­fold some­one, telling them you’ve got this great sur­prise for them, then take them to the Stat­ue of Lib­er­ty, take the blind­fold off and say: “It’s for you!”

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

Over­heard by: Chloe Ama­ra

If Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Could Turn Back Time…

Girl on cell: It’s 111 Colum­bus. No, Colum­bus as in the guy who dis­cov­ered the world.

–Hous­ton & Broad­way

Guy to group: Napoleon is the fun­ni­est guy ever!

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty, Bronx

Over­heard by: Kriszti­na

Hip­ster: Eu­rope is cool, you know, be­cause the towns are like soil sam­ples when you look at them. You can pull the his­tor­i­cal soil sam­ple and see the lay­ers of crus­taceans and stuff.

–Par­ty, Park Slope

20-some­thing girl to friends: Mix tapes are like a lit­tle piece of his­to­ry.

–Park Slope, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Jo King

Male pro­fes­sor: Re­mem­ber for your pa­pers, John Brown was hanged, not hung. He might have been hung too but that is a dif­fer­ent top­ic.

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Go Rams!

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Flunk the Oral

Guy on cell, scream­ing : Did you or did you not give that guy a blowjob in the park­ing lot?

–3rd Ave & 10th St

Over­heard by: JC

Hot girl talk­ing to hot friend: He said blowjobs are like flow­ers for guys. Do I get flow­ers every­day? No! So why should he, right?

–C Train

Scream­ing bag la­dy: He asked me to suck his dick. I don’t suck dick, I’m home­less.

–125th St

Over­heard by: Reil­ly

Guy on cell: How’s her gag re­flex? Be­cause that’s a great way to make up for stu­pid.

–5th & 83rd

Over­heard by: Kel­ly

Guy to an­oth­er: Greg, do you want your cock sucked tonight? Then get in the car! (oth­er guy hasti­ly gets in car)

–The Vil­lage

On­ly If You Say “Aaron Burr” With Your Mouth Full Like That

Hobo: Can any­body help me? Can any­body help me get some food? Can any­body help me get some­thing to eat? I ap­pre­ci­ate it.
20-some­thing girl, hand­ing him a zi­plocked sand­wich: It’s peanut but­ter and jel­ly.
(hobo hands it back, re­con­sid­ers, opens bag, sniffs it, and re­luc­tant­ly eats it)
Hobo eat­ing sand­wich: Cam amy­mumy hem me. Cam amy­mumy hem me geh some food that’s not a peanut but­ter sam­mich. I ap­pre­ci­ate it.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Al­bertro

French Vanil­la Means a Reg­u­lar and a Hand­job

LI girl: Wait, where’s the milk for the cof­fee?
Cashier: The sug­ar’s right here.
LI girl: No, I want milk. Don’t you have any milk in this whole place? For cof­fee?
Cashier: No, be­cause you said you want reg­u­lar.
LI girl: Yeah, reg­u­lar — like ‘not de­caf.‘
Cashier: No. Reg­u­lar is ‘no milk.‘
LI girl: No. Black is like this — ‘no milk.‘
Cashier: No. Black is ‘not hazel­nut.‘
On­look­er: Learn how to or­der or get out of the way.

–Ess‑a Bagel, 21st & 1st

Over­heard by: Jack­ie G

Stu­pid World

Guy #1: So how was the best restau­rant in the world?
Guy #2: Mediocre.

–13th St. & 2nd Ave