Archive for 2014

How the U.S. Looks to the Rest of the World

An­gry guy: Hey, what the fuck, man? You fuckin’ crazy, jack­hole? What the fuck you doin’, man?
Be­wil­dered guy: I’m not do­ing any­thing…
An­gry guy: Be fuckin’ nice, man! What the fuck is wrong with you? Be fuck­ing nice!
Be­wil­dered guy: Well, then, you be nice, too.
An­gry guy: Do not fuck with me. I will fuck you up! Do not fuckin’ mess with me!
Be­wil­dered guy: I’m not mess­ing with you!
An­gry guy: Okay. Have a nice day.

–F train

I Need to Trade Up While I Still Have the Down­pay­ment

Chick: My boyfriend told me that we should­n’t keep our bank ac­counts to­geth­er any­more. That way, when he bought the ring it would come out of his mon­ey, not our mon­ey.
Cowork­er: Awww, that’s sweet! What did you say?
Chick: I said that was a good idea… Which it is, be­cause we’ll have to do it even­tu­al­ly when we break up. There is no way I’m gonna mar­ry him.

–Vesey & West Side Hwy

Over­heard by: On the pe­riph­ery

Jim Hen­son’s Charles Man­son Ba­bies!

Lit­tle boy stab­bing bal­loon man with a bal­loon sword: Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
Bal­loon man: Good­bye! Be good, every­one!
Lit­tle boy, still stab­bing: Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Rick Fe­lice

Head­line by: Matthew

Run­ners-Up:

· “And if that does­n’t do it, I chal­lenge you to wa­ter pis­tols at dawn!” — Cyn­thia

· “Ex­cept you, kid. You go fuck your­self.” — Im­mac­u­latePiz­za

· “He Who Lives By The Bal­loon…” — Hobo Whis­per­er

· “You too, Bru­tus.” — Aeirlys


Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: Guar­an­teed to Rot Your Teeth.

20-some­thing women in yo­ga gear, si­mul­ta­ne­ous­ly: It was like a bless­ing in cake form.

–As­tor Place

Girl: I’m too sin­gle to eat a brown­ie.

–NYU Li­brary

Guy on cell: Soft Serve is so good, you will step in dog poop and not even care!

–14th St b/w 7th & 8th

Se­ri­ous guy on his way out of restau­rant, to girl: So all we need are as­pirin and Skit­tles.

–An­gelo’s Piz­za

As­sertive lit­tle boy in shop­ping cart seat, grab­bing mom’s face: I want to buy a choco­late crois­sant and eat it. Do you un­der­stand what I’m say­ing?

–Food Coop, Park Slope

Over­heard by: Jen­ny

Hunter Has More of a Red Con­no­ta­tion

Crazy la­dy: Ex­cuse me! Girls, can you adopt a dog or a cat? You know that many an­i­mals need homes.
Chick #1: Oh, we’d love to, but we can’t have pets.
Chick #2: Yeah, our dorms don’t al­low an­i­mals
Crazy la­dy: Oh, you’re in col­lege?
Chick #1: Yeah.
Crazy la­dy: At the law school?
Chick #3: No, Hunter.
Crazy la­dy: I thought that Hunter was for the Blacks.

–23rd & Lex­ing­ton

Over­heard by: Kait­lyn

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Re­al, and They’re Spec­tac­u­lar

Suit: … But then I’d just be one big, walk­ing boob!

–Grand Cen­tral

Over­heard by: uh what?

Hip­ster chick: Oh my god, I know! Chad told me I have to show him my boobs be­fore we grad­u­ate, and that’s, like, on­ly a month away!

–118th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: sap­phire­bluem­i­ca

Ghet­to tourist man look­ing at Maid­en­form bill­board: Breasts! Breasts on a bill­board!

–35th & 7th

Over­heard by: Moses

19-year-old girl: I am not leav­ing here with­out black bal­let flats and breasts.

–Bath­room line, Ma­cy’s

Lit­tle boy: Look, Mom­my, Shrek has tit­ties!

–AMC, Bay Plaza

Over­heard by: Mel & Damee

Boyfriend to an­gry girl­friend: I did­n’t say you had an awk­ward body! I said you had awk­ward breasts!

–Camp, Cob­ble Hill