Archive for 2014

Drunksday One-Liners

Kid to friend: My grandpa and his twin brother get these crazy deals at this discount veterans' liquor store in Ohio. It's pretty much the happiest and saddest place on earth at the same time.

–Huckleberry Bar, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Shannon

Girl on cell: I had the worst diarrhea yesterday from drinking bourbon all night. (pause) I know, it gives me the bum-wees too!

–NYU

Overheard by: What-the?!

Wandering elderly man, loudly to himself: Let's have a shot of whiskey and get this relationship ova with!

–W 62 & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Assistant To The Locksmythe

Mother, very nonchalantly, to child: Let's go get mommy a beer.

–Prospect Park Bandshell, The Swell Season Concert

Overheard by: Mat the Oz

Wednesday One-Liners Have 23 Intelligence, but 6 Charisma

Fat college guy on cell: I only read books with robot insects on the cover. If it doesn’t have robot insects, I slap a sticker on. Pride and Prejudice? Robot insects on the cover makes it better.

–Metro-North

Overheard by: Ferry

Guy to friend: Look, the root of the problem is that you have a shrine dedicated to semi-colons in your closest! I don’t care if they’re the god of all punctuation marks, that’s just weird!

–Stuyvesant High School

Metrosexual: I’m fairly certain that I’ve read every single fantasy series that has dragons in it.

–Stuyvesant Town

Overheard by: Karin

Ghetto chick: Nah, all I’m sayin’s is that even if you look like Steve Urkel, as long as you got the brain of Steve Urkel, you good with me.

–Jamaica-bound F train

Overheard by: Floyd

Leader of pack of teen boys dressed up like Star Trek characters: I didn’t say it was a good planet…

–Tuxedo Renaissance Festival

Overheard by: Murray

He Won his Brain in a Lottery too

Guy #1, waiting for the Wicked ticket lottery: What happens if we both win two sets of tickets?
Guy #2: Ummm. Then we resell them.
Guy #1: I thought you couldn’t do that.
Guy #2: Only if you sell them for more than they’re worth. So we could sell these for $25 each.
Guy #1: Or we could give them away.
Guy #2: You do realize we’re paying $25 each, don’t you?
Guy #1: Uh… we are?

–Outside the Gershwin Theatre

Overheard by: did not win tickets

It Rubs the Wednesday on Its Skin, or Else It Gets the One-Liners Again

Woman on cell: You did what? No. No, the key is with the handcuffs.

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: argonaut

Neighbor heard through thin dorm wall: Yeahhhhh, I'm a bad boy. You wanna spank me?

–Pratt Institute

NYU girl to friend: I think Jesus wore latex.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Mimi

Hippie woman on cell: Okay, why don't you just untie each other and come on down so we can talk about this?

–50th St & Park Ave

Sodom and Wednesday One-liners

Chick: I should start going to gay bars. I’m tired of going to all these straight bars where guys feel free to rub their penis all over your ass.

–Zabar’s, Broadway & 80th St.

Overheard by: Basil

Woman: Honestly, I wonder what she ended up doing with a 3 foot, papier-mache penis.

–Broadway/Lafayette station

Overheard by: Jaya

Guy: I don’t want to live in a building that undulates!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Derek