Archive for 2014

Drunk­s­day One-Lin­ers

Kid to friend: My grand­pa and his twin broth­er get these crazy deals at this dis­count vet­er­ans’ liquor store in Ohio. It’s pret­ty much the hap­pi­est and sad­dest place on earth at the same time.

–Huck­le­ber­ry Bar, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Shan­non

Girl on cell: I had the worst di­ar­rhea yes­ter­day from drink­ing bour­bon all night. (pause) I know, it gives me the bum-wees too!

–NYU

Over­heard by: What-the?!

Wan­der­ing el­der­ly man, loud­ly to him­self: Let’s have a shot of whiskey and get this re­la­tion­ship ova with!

–W 62 & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: As­sis­tant To The Locksmythe

Moth­er, very non­cha­lant­ly, to child: Let’s go get mom­my a beer.

–Prospect Park Band­shell, The Swell Sea­son Con­cert

Over­heard by: Mat the Oz

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Have 23 In­tel­li­gence, but 6 Charis­ma

Fat col­lege guy on cell: I on­ly read books with ro­bot in­sects on the cov­er. If it does­n’t have ro­bot in­sects, I slap a stick­er on. Pride and Prej­u­dice? Ro­bot in­sects on the cov­er makes it bet­ter.

–Metro-North

Over­heard by: Fer­ry

Guy to friend: Look, the root of the prob­lem is that you have a shrine ded­i­cat­ed to se­mi-colons in your clos­est! I don’t care if they’re the god of all punc­tu­a­tion marks, that’s just weird!

–Stuyvesant High School

Met­ro­sex­u­al: I’m fair­ly cer­tain that I’ve read every sin­gle fan­ta­sy se­ries that has drag­ons in it.

–Stuyvesant Town

Over­heard by: Karin

Ghet­to chick: Nah, all I’m say­in’s is that even if you look like Steve Urkel, as long as you got the brain of Steve Urkel, you good with me.

–Ja­maica-bound F train

Over­heard by: Floyd

Leader of pack of teen boys dressed up like Star Trek char­ac­ters: I did­n’t say it was a good plan­et…

–Tuxe­do Re­nais­sance Fes­ti­val

Over­heard by: Mur­ray

He Won his Brain in a Lot­tery too

Guy #1, wait­ing for the Wicked tick­et lot­tery: What hap­pens if we both win two sets of tick­ets?
Guy #2: Um­mm. Then we re­sell them.
Guy #1: I thought you could­n’t do that.
Guy #2: On­ly if you sell them for more than they’re worth. So we could sell these for $25 each.
Guy #1: Or we could give them away.
Guy #2: You do re­al­ize we’re pay­ing $25 each, don’t you?
Guy #1: Uh… we are?

–Out­side the Gersh­win The­atre

Over­heard by: did not win tick­ets

It Rubs the Wednes­day on Its Skin, or Else It Gets the One-Lin­ers Again

Woman on cell: You did what? No. No, the key is with the hand­cuffs.

–Barnes & No­ble, Union Square

Over­heard by: arg­onaut

Neigh­bor heard through thin dorm wall: Yeah­h­h­hh, I’m a bad boy. You wan­na spank me?

–Pratt In­sti­tute

NYU girl to friend: I think Je­sus wore la­tex.

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Over­heard by: Mi­mi

Hip­pie woman on cell: Okay, why don’t you just un­tie each oth­er and come on down so we can talk about this?

–50th St & Park Ave

Sodom and Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Chick: I should start go­ing to gay bars. I’m tired of go­ing to all these straight bars where guys feel free to rub their pe­nis all over your ass.

–Zabar’s, Broad­way & 80th St.

Over­heard by: Basil

Woman: Hon­est­ly, I won­der what she end­ed up do­ing with a 3 foot, pa­pi­er-mache pe­nis.

–Broadway/Lafayette sta­tion

Over­heard by: Jaya

Guy: I don’t want to live in a build­ing that un­du­lates!

–As­tor Place

Over­heard by: Derek

Who Would­n’t?

Guy #1: Hey, want to see a pic­ture of a vi­bra­tor up a rec­tum?
Guy #2: Sure.

–Cen­tral Park, Sheep­’s Mead­ow