Archive for 2014

“It’s a date!”

Chick: You have no idea how much less anx­i­ety I have now that I know I don’t have to wor­ry about leav­ing the country…not that they are kick­ing me out, but you know that I can leave and come back and it’s not an issue…This just makes me so ex­cit­ed! When I get ex­cit­ed I start to twitch, I apol­o­gize, but it’s a good thing! You get me ex­cit­ed! Not in that way, I mean, you’re my pro­fes­sor, and fe­male, but not to say you aren’t good look­ing…
Pro­fes­sor: Um, okay, so let’s pre­tend I was deaf for that last 30 sec­onds and I’ll see you on Fri­day.

–Hunter North Build­ing, East 69th Street

Over­heard by: Col­le­giate Cutie

Girl: I guess I’ll be tak­ing my vi­bra­tor out for Valen­tine’s.

–Prince & Broad­way

Over­heard by: To­by Boudreaux

Mul­ti­ple Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Ghet­to col­lege kid: God put me on this Earth to make sure every woman cums!

–Brook­lyn-bound B train

Over­heard by: Not com­ing

Man to friend: Be­ing a vet in­volves more than just hav­ing or­gasms at an­i­mal shows with pup­pies.

–10th & 3rd

Over­heard by: Becky

Queer on cell: Yeah, so, I’m on my com­put­er surf­ing the In­ter­net last night and my room­mate walks over and just cums in my face… Yeah, no, it was to­tal­ly ran­dom.

–14th & 6th

Chick on cell: If I cum while eat­ing, you can bet you’ll get a text!

–Harlem

Over­heard by: Hott Bi Lu­vr

Se­nile la­dy with cane, to no one: All you girls think about is or­gasms.

–15th & 5th

Over­heard by: Mor­gan

Pro­fes­sor, point­ing at stu­dent: … And we all know that Kyle* gets off on elec­tron­ic me­dia.

–NYU

Geek: Every time Dar­win men­tions the nat­ur­al econ­o­my, I or­gasm.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Tales from the Su­per­mar­ket

Obese cashier la­dy: This soy milk sup­posed to make you slen­der?
Woman: Uh, I dun­no.
Skin­ny cashier la­dy: Girl, ain’t no soy milk gonna make your fat ass slen­der!
Obese cashier la­dy: Shut your ass up.

–Grist­edes, West 64th Street

Over­heard by: ve­g­an­nramem­ber

Man #1: I’m talkin’ about cup noo­dles, nig­ga.
Man #2: Them shits is good.
Man #1: They’s cheap­er than mac and cheese.
Man #2: Mac and cheese went up by a dol­lar!
Man #1: Tell me you is playin’!

–L train

Over­heard by: Ma­son Buck

Cashier la­dy: How come this rings up as “Ho­mo Milk”?

–K‑mart, East 8th Street

Over­heard by: Tom­my Raiko

Loud­speak­er: Aisle 10 is now open for cus­tomers with less than a mil­lion items.

–Key Food, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: Christa

Wait, Back Up. Why Can’t You Go Any­more?

Fe­male em­ploy­ee #1: You need to go to church.
Fe­male em­ploy­ee #2: Hell no, I can’t go to church any­more [laughs mis­chie­vous­ly].
Fe­male em­ploy­ee #1: You don’t go to church?
Fe­male em­ploy­ee #2: Uh-uh.
Fe­male em­ploy­ee #1: What­ev­er! Yo, at my church, like, gangs and shit be comin’ on Sun­days. The Crips are all on one side and the Bloods all on the oth­er. It’s crazy. They be wearin’ their col­ors and shit, too.

–Cen­tu­ry 21

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Will Hold Them Open with a Ba­by, If Need Be

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, I’d like to take this time to re­mind you all that there are four doors on this sub­way. Four doors. So when you’re wait­ing to board or ex­it the train and every­one is crowd­ed around one door, just re­mem­ber that there are four doors. Say it with me now… One… Two… Three… Four… Very good. The mag­ic num­ber for to­day is four.

–E train

Con­duc­tor, to guy try­ing to hold the doors open at the sta­tion: Sir, this is not your train. I re­peat, this is not your train.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Firestarter

Con­duc­tor: Peo­ple, this is not an “I think I can” mo­ment! Please stand clear of the clos­ing doors!

–1 train

Over­heard by: an­na

Fe­male con­duc­tor on 3 train, when doors don’t close: In the rear, what­ev­er you have hang­ing out, pull it in!

–3 Train

Over­heard by: J‑Mo

Train con­duc­tor, to some­one block­ing the doors: Sure, when­ev­er you’re ready, we’ll move this train out of the sta­tion.

–Down­town A Train

Over­heard by: Murt­wah

Con­duc­tor: Please stand clear the clos­ing doors. [beep, doors close. Then they open again]. Please stand clear the clos­ing doors. [beep again, doors close. Then they open again]. Please stand clear the clos­ing doors. [beep again, doors close. Then they open again.] Get yo’ foot out a de do’ foo’!

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Nick

If You Lis­ten You Can Hear Them Call­ing

Girl: Did you just say “jub­ble”? That can’t be a re­al word.
Guy: It’s like, silent ono­matopoeia.
Girl: There’s no such thing as silent ono­matopoeia. The very de­f­i­n­i­tion of the word “ono­matopoeia” con­tra­dicts si­lence.
Guy: Well, it’s like the sound that boobs would make if they made sound. They’d go “jub­ble, jub­ble, jub­ble.”
Girl: I’m afraid I’m go­ing to have to smack you now. Se­ri­ous­ly.

–13th & 3rd