Archive for 2014

Wednesday One-Liners Rob the Cradle

Teen: I'm 14 years old and I'm still a virgin…how sick is that??

–Simon Baruch Middle School

Overheard by: the art major

Random old guy: The only thing I like more than children is more children.

–Barnes & Noble, 83rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Maianess

20-something guy to friend, casually: Oh, yeah, and the high school girl doesn't want a relationship.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: rachelandkaceyfuckup

Hipster girl to a group of friends: I can't date him. It would be like dating a kid, and not like in a really good way. (awkward silence) Uhm, not that there is a really good way to date a kid.

–Grand Central Station

Guy: You can do that to a girl but you can't do that to a guy! That's child molestation!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: inching away

Professor: Did I ever tell you? I used to work at a carnival operating the kiddie rides. (laughs) And no! I never became a pedophile!

–Wagner College

Overheard by: good to know

Tonight on Law and Takeout Order

Cop, stopping bicycle delivery man: Hey! You! Come over here.
Delivery man: Okay.
(nervously walks over)
Cop: You deliver for a restaurant?
Delivery man: Yeah.
Cop: Is it still open?

–City Hall Booth

So They Could Fail Her?

Male lawyer #1: I need to get laid. All these cases, I don’t even have time to masturbate!
Male lawyer #2: No time to masturbate? That’s harsh.
Male lawyer #1: It’s sad — all I can think of is sex, and I hate that stereotype about male lawyers, that we’re all some sort of horn dogs. [Pauses and sees female lawyer] God, I wanna fuck her.
Male lawyer #2: Dude, everyone does. All the guys wish her pussy was the bar exam.

–Bronx Small Claims Court

Overheard by: Tydestra

You Really Don't Want to Read Weird Endearments from Your Friends

Ghetto kid #1: Yo, bro, stop textin' me!
Ghetto kid #2, across the street: Bro, I'm not tryin' to text you, I'm tryin' to text my bitch, but your number is right under my bitch's number, so when I'm tryin' to text my bitch, I text you instead!
Ghetto kid #1: Bro, just stop textin me!
Ghetto kid #2: I'm tryin' to text my bitch!

–94th St & Amsterdam

Overheard by: NOT his bitch either

…For Your Information.

Suit: (bangs on information glass repeatedly)
Clerk, playing with his iPod: How may I help you?
Suit: Can I exchange my expired MetroCard?
Clerk: See the sign says “information only”? Go across the street.
Suit: So what are you here for? To play with your iPod?
Clerk: I deserve my job.

–R Train

Overheard by: Danchik

It’ll Be a Profoundly Retarded Essay

Teen girl #1: I have to write an expository essay on something that has impacted my life.
Teen girl #2: Has anyone in your family ever died?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, but no one, like, close to me.
Teen girl #2: Do you have any, like, retards in your family?
Teen girl #1: No, but I did meet a retard one time… He was, like, really retarded, too. Maybe I’ll write about that…

–F train

Now You Have to Schlep Out to Queens for That Sort of Entertainment

Chick: So what are the most dangerous places in New York these days?
Dude #1: I don’t know. Hell’s Kitchen used to be the worst.
Dude #2: What about Harlem?
Dude #1: I guess Harlem’s still bad, but it’s not like it used to be where everybody would be waiting around to stab lost white people.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Alex Remnick