Archive for 2014

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Rob the Cra­dle

Teen: I’m 14 years old and I’m still a virgin…how sick is that??

–Si­mon Baruch Mid­dle School

Over­heard by: the art ma­jor

Ran­dom old guy: The on­ly thing I like more than chil­dren is more chil­dren.

–Barnes & No­ble, 83rd & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Ma­ianess

20-some­thing guy to friend, ca­su­al­ly: Oh, yeah, and the high school girl does­n’t want a re­la­tion­ship.

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Over­heard by: rache­land­kacey­fuck­up

Hip­ster girl to a group of friends: I can’t date him. It would be like dat­ing a kid, and not like in a re­al­ly good way. (awk­ward si­lence) Uhm, not that there is a re­al­ly good way to date a kid.

–Grand Cen­tral Sta­tion

Guy: You can do that to a girl but you can’t do that to a guy! That’s child mo­lesta­tion!

–As­tor Place

Over­heard by: inch­ing away

Pro­fes­sor: Did I ever tell you? I used to work at a car­ni­val op­er­at­ing the kid­die rides. (laughs) And no! I nev­er be­came a pe­dophile!

–Wag­n­er Col­lege

Over­heard by: good to know

Tonight on Law and Take­out Or­der

Cop, stop­ping bi­cy­cle de­liv­ery man: Hey! You! Come over here.
De­liv­ery man: Okay.
(ner­vous­ly walks over)
Cop: You de­liv­er for a restau­rant?
De­liv­ery man: Yeah.
Cop: Is it still open?

–City Hall Booth

So They Could Fail Her?

Male lawyer #1: I need to get laid. All these cas­es, I don’t even have time to mas­tur­bate!
Male lawyer #2: No time to mas­tur­bate? That’s harsh.
Male lawyer #1: It’s sad — all I can think of is sex, and I hate that stereo­type about male lawyers, that we’re all some sort of horn dogs. [Paus­es and sees fe­male lawyer] God, I wan­na fuck her.
Male lawyer #2: Dude, every­one does. All the guys wish her pussy was the bar ex­am.

–Bronx Small Claims Court

Over­heard by: Ty­de­stra

You Re­al­ly Don’t Want to Read Weird En­dear­ments from Your Friends

Ghet­to kid #1: Yo, bro, stop tex­tin’ me!
Ghet­to kid #2, across the street: Bro, I’m not tryin’ to text you, I’m tryin’ to text my bitch, but your num­ber is right un­der my bitch’s num­ber, so when I’m tryin’ to text my bitch, I text you in­stead!
Ghet­to kid #1: Bro, just stop tex­tin me!
Ghet­to kid #2: I’m tryin’ to text my bitch!

–94th St & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: NOT his bitch ei­ther

…For Your In­for­ma­tion.

Suit: (bangs on in­for­ma­tion glass re­peat­ed­ly)
Clerk, play­ing with his iPod: How may I help you?
Suit: Can I ex­change my ex­pired Metro­Card?
Clerk: See the sign says “in­for­ma­tion on­ly”? Go across the street.
Suit: So what are you here for? To play with your iPod?
Clerk: I de­serve my job.

–R Train

Over­heard by: Danchik

It’ll Be a Pro­found­ly Re­tard­ed Es­say

Teen girl #1: I have to write an ex­pos­i­to­ry es­say on some­thing that has im­pact­ed my life.
Teen girl #2: Has any­one in your fam­i­ly ever died?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, but no one, like, close to me.
Teen girl #2: Do you have any, like, re­tards in your fam­i­ly?
Teen girl #1: No, but I did meet a re­tard one time… He was, like, re­al­ly re­tard­ed, too. Maybe I’ll write about that…

–F train

Now You Have to Schlep Out to Queens for That Sort of En­ter­tain­ment

Chick: So what are the most dan­ger­ous places in New York these days?
Dude #1: I don’t know. Hel­l’s Kitchen used to be the worst.
Dude #2: What about Harlem?
Dude #1: I guess Harlem’s still bad, but it’s not like it used to be where every­body would be wait­ing around to stab lost white peo­ple.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Alex Rem­nick