Archive for 2014

Dis­arm­ing the Pa­paya Serfs Was Key

Man: Ex­cuse me, do you have any reg­u­lar forks? This fry fork is too small.
Hot dog guy: Sor­ry, sir, all we have are these cock­tail forks. We don’t have any reg­u­lar ones.
Hot dog girl: Yeah, they’re afraid we’d used the reg­u­lar forks to stab each oth­er.

–Pa­paya King, West 14th Street

Over­heard by: Goz­er the Gozar­i­an

Wait. Who Dri­ves in New York?

Woman: I just felt it when I ran it over.
Cowork­er: Wait. An arm?
Woman: Yeah… I think maybe I moved in­to the wrong neigh­bor­hood.
Cowork­er: You ran over an arm?
Woman: Yup. It was sev­ered just above the el­bow.

–Of­fice build­ing el­e­va­tor, 770 Broad­way

We’re Sad­dened That We Un­der­stand This Quote.

Lost col­lege girl to staff: Ex­cuse me, I came in here to find a text­book but I spent all my mon­ey on that New Moon shit. Can I get a col­lege dis­count?
20-some­thing staff: Um, Ed­ward or Ja­cob?
Lost col­lege girl: Ja­cob.
20-some­thing staff: Yeah, I think we can get you a dis­count.

–Barnes & No­ble, Park Slope

Over­heard by: Tay­lor not twi­light

That, and the Gi­ant Hands.

Drunk hip­ster: The thing you have to un­der­stand about me is that my mind works dif­fer­ent­ly. Like, if you were to take like a globe or a–or a soc­cer ball–just some sor­ta sphere that’s all one col­or and then take a pen­cil and stab it a mil­lion times… And then, like, put a, like, light bulb in it and all those lit­tle specks of light are, like, a dif­fer­ent thought. And that’s, like, love.
Bored punk kid, sar­cas­ti­cal­ly: The on­ly thing stop­ping us from be­ing god is de­ter­mi­na­tion.
Drunk hip­ster, with­out a sense of irony: Ex­act­ly!

–Out­side 96 Lafayette Street

Over­heard by:

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Void Where Pro­hib­it­ed

Dis­grun­tled suit on cell: I know how to pee! — Ven­ti de­caf frap­pu­ci­no — I’ve been do­ing it since I was born!

–Star­bucks, Spring & Cros­by

Over­heard by: Mis­tress Sil­ver

Girl to friend: … And then he just start­ed pee­ing in front of all of us. Every­one else ran away ex­cept for me!

–St. Mark’s & 2nd

Over­heard by: that’s the whole point of ga­losh­es, right?

Whiny guy: I don’t mind get­ting in­to a piss­ing con­test so long as I’ve got my stick!

–Boule­vard Tav­ern, Gree­p­oint

Chick meet­ing friends: Guys, don’t tell Jim this, but I just peed in be­tween two sub­way cars on a mov­ing train on the way here.

–Re­gal cin­e­mas, Court St, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Amazed that this is phys­i­cal­ly pos­si­ble

Guy to bud­dy: I prob­a­bly got the clean­est fuck­ing urine in that whole build­ing!

–Rec­tor St & Trin­i­ty Pl

Over­heard by: Ben­jie

Scream­ing man on cell: How many times do I have to tell you?! Do not piss on the street! Do not shit on the street! Do you hear me?!

–7th Ave, be­tween 28th & 29th