Archive for 2014

Wait. Who Drives in New York?

Woman: I just felt it when I ran it over.
Coworker: Wait. An arm?
Woman: Yeah… I think maybe I moved into the wrong neighborhood.
Coworker: You ran over an arm?
Woman: Yup. It was severed just above the elbow.

–Office building elevator, 770 Broadway

We’re Saddened That We Understand This Quote.

Lost college girl to staff: Excuse me, I came in here to find a textbook but I spent all my money on that New Moon shit. Can I get a college discount?
20-something staff: Um, Edward or Jacob?
Lost college girl: Jacob.
20-something staff: Yeah, I think we can get you a discount.

–Barnes & Noble, Park Slope

Overheard by: Taylor not twilight

That, and the Giant Hands.

Drunk hipster: The thing you have to understand about me is that my mind works differently. Like, if you were to take like a globe or a – or a soccer ball – just some sorta sphere that’s all one color and then take a pencil and stab it a million times… And then, like, put a, like, light bulb in it and all those little specks of light are, like, a different thought. And that’s, like, love.
Bored punk kid, sarcastically: The only thing stopping us from being god is determination.
Drunk hipster, without a sense of irony: Exactly!

–Outside 96 Lafayette Street

Overheard by:

This Conversation Has Officially Gone Off the Reservation.

Cute twink #1 to fag hag: So I was telling Rich about your organization, but he can’t quite get on board with it.
Fag hag to cute twink #2: Oh, do you have some reservations?
Cute twink #2: No, I just walked in.

–Room Service, 9th Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Void Where Prohibited

Disgruntled suit on cell: I know how to pee! — Venti decaf frappucino — I’ve been doing it since I was born!

–Starbucks, Spring & Crosby

Overheard by: Mistress Silver

Girl to friend: … And then he just started peeing in front of all of us. Everyone else ran away except for me!

–St. Mark’s & 2nd

Overheard by: that’s the whole point of galoshes, right?

Whiny guy: I don’t mind getting into a pissing contest so long as I’ve got my stick!

–Boulevard Tavern, Greepoint

Chick meeting friends: Guys, don’t tell Jim this, but I just peed in between two subway cars on a moving train on the way here.

–Regal cinemas, Court St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Amazed that this is physically possible

Guy to buddy: I probably got the cleanest fucking urine in that whole building!

–Rector St & Trinity Pl

Overheard by: Benjie

Screaming man on cell: How many times do I have to tell you?! Do not piss on the street! Do not shit on the street! Do you hear me?!

–7th Ave, between 28th & 29th