Archive for February, 2015

Yeah But She Can On­ly Give You an I or a Y

Em­ploy­ee #1: Hey, look at this pic­ture.
Em­ploy­ee #2: Yeah, she nev­er would have made cheer­leader if she had two legs.
Head­line by: azione

· “Am­pu­ta­tion is the New Anorex­ia” — Aman­da
· “And they want to take away af­fir­ma­tive ac­tion?” — Hol­ly G
· “But I’d Still TO­TAL­LY Bang Her” — Ja­son
· “But her tal­ent is ob­vi­ous…” — fu­el
· “Come on, Eileen” — Park­er
· “Four legs good, two legs bad!” — Zom­zom
· “From the Mc­Cart­ney — Mills Di­vorce Files” — Gimpy La Rue
· “How to lose those ex­tra pounds to make the squad: am­pu­ta­tion” — Sean McGurr
· “Kids will do any­thing to make the team” — Spin
· “Or a head.” — Je­re­mi­ah Lewis
· “Play­ing the am­putee card” — Man­daliet
· “She’d still be a vir­gin now too” — Sarah
· “Ti­tle IX did­n’t say they had to ac­tu­al­ly do the rou­tines.” — City­Girl
· “Try­outs were tough for the Spe­cial Olympics cheer squad.” — John
· “We call her Tri­pod Bet­ty” — Wendy
· “When Af­fir­ma­tive ac­tion goes too far” — Marv in DC

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Play Ha­lo un­til I Have a Seizure

El­e­men­tary school­er #1: Next week you can come and sleep over. And you know what I’m gonna do?
El­e­men­tary school­er #2, quiv­er­ing with ex­cite­ment: No, what?
El­e­men­tary school­er #1: The same thing as last time! [Both start gig­gling.]

–F train

Over­heard by: I wish they could quit that

If I Had An­oth­er Hand or Leg, Though…

Thin chick: I love smok­ing cig­a­rettes while I walk.
Fat friend: Ugh, I hate smok­ing cig­a­rettes while I’m walk­ing. I can just see it now — ‘Look at that cow walk­ing down the street puff­ing on a cig­a­rette.’ I’ll be, like, smok­ing with my right hand, hold­ing my in­haler with my left and wob­bling down the street. Nice.

–F train

Over­heard by: Hys­ter­i­cal