Archive for February, 2015

Yeah But She Can On­ly Give You an I or a Y

Em­ploy­ee #1: Hey, look at this pic­ture.
Em­ploy­ee #2: Yeah, she nev­er would have made cheer­leader if she had two legs.
Head­line by: azione

Run­ners-Up:
· “Am­pu­ta­tion is the New Anorex­ia” — Aman­da
· “And they want to take away af­fir­ma­tive ac­tion?” — Hol­ly G
· “But I’d Still TO­TAL­LY Bang Her” — Ja­son
· “But her tal­ent is ob­vi­ous…” — fu­el
· “Come on, Eileen” — Park­er
· “Four legs good, two legs bad!” — Zom­zom
· “From the Mc­Cart­ney — Mills Di­vorce Files” — Gimpy La Rue
· “How to lose those ex­tra pounds to make the squad: am­pu­ta­tion” — Sean McGurr
· “Kids will do any­thing to make the team” — Spin
· “Or a head.” — Je­re­mi­ah Lewis
· “Play­ing the am­putee card” — Man­daliet
· “She’d still be a vir­gin now too” — Sarah
· “Ti­tle IX did­n’t say they had to ac­tu­al­ly do the rou­tines.” — City­Girl
· “Try­outs were tough for the Spe­cial Olympics cheer squad.” — John
· “We call her Tri­pod Bet­ty” — Wendy
· “When Af­fir­ma­tive ac­tion goes too far” — Marv in DC

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A Bet­ter Ques­tion: Why Did Every­one Still Show Up?

Puz­zled stu­dent: Pro­fes­sor, ac­cord­ing to the syl­labus we have a pa­per due in a week… What’s it on?
Equal­ly puz­zled phi­los­o­phy pro­fes­sor: You have a pa­per due in a week? I was afraid of that!
Puz­zled stu­dent: Al­so, ac­cord­ing to the syl­labus, we don’t even have class to­day. There’s…nothing writ­ten there.
Equal­ly puz­zled phi­los­o­phy pro­fes­sor: Re­al­ly? Huh. Well, I must have been drunk when I did that.

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty

Play Ha­lo un­til I Have a Seizure

El­e­men­tary school­er #1: Next week you can come and sleep over. And you know what I’m gonna do?
El­e­men­tary school­er #2, quiv­er­ing with ex­cite­ment: No, what?
El­e­men­tary school­er #1: The same thing as last time! [Both start gig­gling.]

–F train

Over­heard by: I wish they could quit that