Friend #1: I usually like nothing there.
Friend #2: I like to shave mine.
Friend #3: You shave? I pluck.
Friend #4: I just trim mine.
–Restaurant, Lower East Side
Overheard by: Missy
Archive for March, 2015
Sexed Up Wednesday One-liners
Girl: I wanted to do something like Jenny On The Block. You know: Jennifer Lopez. My character is really hot, but she looks a little psycho.
–13th St. & 3rd Ave.
Teenage girl: Bitch! I did not give you syphilis. I gave you crabs.
–13th St. & 2nd Ave.
Overheard by: Chris Carter
Asian boy: If I could name you anything, it would be “titty”.
–F train
Overheard by: Nathalie
The Beauty of Cantonese (A NYC Short Story)
Two Chinese men sit down on the bench next to a sleeping homeless man trying to sleep.
Hobo: Ah, hell no! You’re not going to start having a conversation like that at 3 in the fuckin’ morning…I ain’t got no motherfucking subtitle button on me!
–49th Street station
Overheard by: Schweiz
If You Have to Ask…
Guy: I just geeked out my profile by a million percent. What do you think?
Girl: Hold up, let me check…
Guy: So what do you think?
Girl: Yeah, that Evangelion child shit is weird.
Guy: Like how weird?
–Starbucks, Astor Place
Overheard by: Zah
But More Accurate Than “Lamp-Post”
Drunk girl #1: (points at a green minivan) Cab!
Drunk girl #2: Nope.
–Union Square West
Overheard by: Anna D
Wednesday One-Liners Make Friends with the Purple Monkey in the Corner
Stoned chick: I’ve got to do all the drugs I can today. I’m going into rehab next week.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Matt M
Old man: Yeah, my daughter moved out a few months ago. She loves her university and smokes a lot of pot.
–Bleecker St
English professor: Is that what you say when you’re in your room popping ecstasy with the door closed?
–City College
Southern woman on cell: Have fun with the kids. Oh? He died? Joe’s son died? Why’d he die so young? Vicodin overdose? Oh, I will be careful. Well, that’s what happens when you take too much Vicodin. You die.
– CVS, 54th & Lex
Overheard by: Your Mom
Teenage girl: Yeah, she sucks now that she’s a crack addict
–Columbia University
Overheard by: An offended crack addict
Literary critic: It was Sherlock Holmes who got me on coke.
–Cherry Tree bar, 4th Ave, Park Slope
Wednesday One-Liners Giggle and Snort
Nerdy serious white guy: See, that’s what’s great about going to Afghanistan. I’m no good at talking to women.
–N Train
Overheard by: annearchist
Nerd walking into archaeology class from noisy hallway: Do you hear the roman legion?
–Hunter College
Nerdy guy on cell: Yeah, she’s an exhibitionist. She needs to be punished, but who’s going to do it?
–JCPenny
Geeky Korean kid outside high school: I’m not really bad. I’m, like, medium-bad. You know, like, bad… But still good.
–Flushing, Queens
Overheard by: Samantha
Nerd to another: Your entire belief system is based on the rotundity of Darth Vader… That is a farce.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Nicole
Drugs+Music+Sammiches=Hilarity!
Sandwich Lady: I worked with him, you know.
Sandwich Guy: Who?
Sandwich Lady: Eric Clapton. He had a rep office on the island. I met lots of celebrities. KC and Jojo, they came too. They was on drugs.
–Cosi, 45th & Madison
Wednesday One-Liners for Jesus
Docent: So they brought in this group from Wisconsin, and Barb called me to meet them out front, and she said “Now I want you to know that they’re kind of rough and young”, but I thought she’d said “rough nuns”, so I said, “Rough nuns? In this day and age?”
–Carnegie Hall
Overheard by: Katarina
Art student: They were handing out free bibles, and the pages make great rolling paper!
–Astor place
Gay guy: I mean, I don’t even believe in gay marriage. It’s too steeped in religious tradition. We should make up something better and we can call it, like, super… Rainbow… Awesome hookup… Or something. Lesbians get a marriage pass, though. They’re like already married in their heads when they meet, buying diapers and shit.
–R Train
Overheard by: jules
Big Latino thug: That’s why I can’t be religious! I see all these asses and… (gestures helplessly)
–35th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Courtwick
She Just Emigrated from Munchkinland
Girl #1: Where are you from, again?
Girl #2: Kentucky.
Girl #1: Oh, no…that didn’t get by the tornado, did it?
–Shades of Green, E. 15th Street
Overheard by: Emily
