Archive for March, 2015

Sexed Up Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Girl: I want­ed to do some­thing like Jen­ny On The Block. You know: Jen­nifer Lopez. My char­ac­ter is re­al­ly hot, but she looks a lit­tle psy­cho.

–13th St. & 3rd Ave.

Teenage girl: Bitch! I did not give you syphilis. I gave you crabs.

–13th St. & 2nd Ave.

Over­heard by: Chris Carter

Asian boy: If I could name you any­thing, it would be “tit­ty”.

–F train

Over­heard by: Nathalie

The Beau­ty of Can­tonese (A NYC Short Sto­ry)

Two Chi­nese men sit down on the bench next to a sleep­ing home­less man try­ing to sleep.

Hobo: Ah, hell no! You’re not go­ing to start hav­ing a con­ver­sa­tion like that at 3 in the fuckin’ morning…I ain’t got no moth­er­fuck­ing sub­ti­tle but­ton on me!

–49th Street sta­tion

Over­heard by: Schweiz

If You Have to Ask…

Guy: I just geeked out my pro­file by a mil­lion per­cent. What do you think?
Girl: Hold up, let me check…
Guy: So what do you think?
Girl: Yeah, that Evan­ge­lion child shit is weird.
Guy: Like how weird?

–Star­bucks, As­tor Place

Over­heard by: Zah

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Make Friends with the Pur­ple Mon­key in the Cor­ner

Stoned chick: I’ve got to do all the drugs I can to­day. I’m go­ing in­to re­hab next week.

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Over­heard by: Matt M

Old man: Yeah, my daugh­ter moved out a few months ago. She loves her uni­ver­si­ty and smokes a lot of pot.

–Bleeck­er St

Eng­lish pro­fes­sor: Is that what you say when you’re in your room pop­ping ec­sta­sy with the door closed?

–City Col­lege

South­ern woman on cell: Have fun with the kids. Oh? He died? Joe’s son died? Why’d he die so young? Vi­codin over­dose? Oh, I will be care­ful. Well, that’s what hap­pens when you take too much Vi­codin. You die.

– CVS, 54th & Lex

Over­heard by: Your Mom

Teenage girl: Yeah, she sucks now that she’s a crack ad­dict

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: An of­fend­ed crack ad­dict

Lit­er­ary crit­ic: It was Sher­lock Holmes who got me on coke.

–Cher­ry Tree bar, 4th Ave, Park Slope

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Gig­gle and Snort

Nerdy se­ri­ous white guy: See, that’s what’s great about go­ing to Afghanistan. I’m no good at talk­ing to women.

–N Train

Over­heard by: an­n­earchist

Nerd walk­ing in­to ar­chae­ol­o­gy class from noisy hall­way: Do you hear the ro­man le­gion?

–Hunter Col­lege

Nerdy guy on cell: Yeah, she’s an ex­hi­bi­tion­ist. She needs to be pun­ished, but who’s go­ing to do it?

–JCPen­ny

Geeky Ko­re­an kid out­side high school: I’m not re­al­ly bad. I’m, like, medi­um-bad. You know, like, bad… But still good.

–Flush­ing, Queens

Over­heard by: Saman­tha

Nerd to an­oth­er: Your en­tire be­lief sys­tem is based on the ro­tun­di­ty of Darth Vad­er… That is a farce.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Nicole

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Je­sus

Do­cent: So they brought in this group from Wis­con­sin, and Barb called me to meet them out front, and she said “Now I want you to know that they’re kind of rough and young”, but I thought she’d said “rough nuns”, so I said, “Rough nuns? In this day and age?”

–Carnegie Hall

Over­heard by: Kata­ri­na

Art stu­dent: They were hand­ing out free bibles, and the pages make great rolling pa­per!

–As­tor place

Gay guy: I mean, I don’t even be­lieve in gay mar­riage. It’s too steeped in re­li­gious tra­di­tion. We should make up some­thing bet­ter and we can call it, like, su­per… Rain­bow… Awe­some hookup… Or some­thing. Les­bians get a mar­riage pass, though. They’re like al­ready mar­ried in their heads when they meet, buy­ing di­a­pers and shit.

–R Train

Over­heard by: jules

Big Lati­no thug: That’s why I can’t be re­li­gious! I see all these ass­es and… (ges­tures help­less­ly)

–35th St & 8th Ave

Over­heard by: Courtwick