Archive for April, 2015

And I Put a Blan­ket Over the Gin-Filled Kid­die Pool

Moth­er: I swear, the next time you’re late com­ing to see me… I mean, I’ll give you five min­utes and then I’m gone.
Daugh­ter: I could­n’t help it. They were do­ing room in­spec­tions and I had to stick around.
Moth­er: Room in­spec­tions?
Daugh­ter: Yeah, they come around and check your rooms, make sure there’s like no lights or no al­co­hol.
Moth­er: What about the al­co­hol I gave you?
Daugh­ter: They don’t open draw­ers.

–Piz­za Place near Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

You’re Not Fool­ing Any­body– They’re Just Afraid Of You

Big bik­er dude: I fig­ured out how to get through all the peo­ple at in­ter­sec­tions.
Bik­er friend: How’s that?
Big bik­er dude: I just bitch re­al loud about tourists, and every­one thinks I’m a cranky New York­er and moves out of the way and lets me through.
Bik­er friend: Dude, you’re fresh off the boat from Ida­ho.
Big bik­er dude: I know! They don’t, and New York­ers smile at me. Peo­ple are id­iots.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Gazoo

What About Grand­ma?

Mom: Don’t ever dis­re­spect your moth­er! You can al­ways dis­re­spect your fa­ther. All what your fa­ther did was to shoot the sperm. Your moth­er is the one who brought you out to this world. No mat­ter what hap­pens, don’t ever dis­re­spect your moth­er!

–D Train

Du­ane Reade Em­ploy­ees, on the Oth­er Hand, To­tal­ly Raid Our Panty Draw­ers

Fe­male cus­tomer: Does my ShopRite card work here?
Bored cashier: No, this is a Grist­edes.
Cus­tomer: Well, I was just cu­ri­ous about their re­la­tion­ship.
Bored cashier: Like any good re­la­tion­ship, it’s all about bound­aries.

–Grist­edes

Over­heard by: be­mused