Archive for April, 2015

And I Put a Blanket Over the Gin-Filled Kiddie Pool

Mother: I swear, the next time you're late coming to see me… I mean, I'll give you five minutes and then I'm gone.
Daughter: I couldn't help it. They were doing room inspections and I had to stick around.
Mother: Room inspections?
Daughter: Yeah, they come around and check your rooms, make sure there's like no lights or no alcohol.
Mother: What about the alcohol I gave you?
Daughter: They don't open drawers.

–Pizza Place near Columbia University

You're Not Fooling Anybody– They're Just Afraid Of You

Big biker dude: I figured out how to get through all the people at intersections.
Biker friend: How's that?
Big biker dude: I just bitch real loud about tourists, and everyone thinks I'm a cranky New Yorker and moves out of the way and lets me through.
Biker friend: Dude, you're fresh off the boat from Idaho.
Big biker dude: I know! They don't, and New Yorkers smile at me. People are idiots.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Gazoo

What About Grandma?

Mom: Don’t ever disrespect your mother! You can always disrespect your father. All what your father did was to shoot the sperm. Your mother is the one who brought you out to this world. No matter what happens, don’t ever disrespect your mother!

–D Train