Archive for May, 2015

None of That Ex­plains Car­rot Top

First man: So af­ter Cain killed Abel he was sent from ex­ile and went up Eu­rope way.
Sec­ond man: Not Asia?
First man: No, the Cau­cus moun­tains… that’s up Eu­rope way.
Sec­ond man: Oh, you mean like Turkey.
First man: And since black peo­ple don’t like the cold, Cain went to live in a cave and start­ed to grow and was the first cave­man. Now at that time there was di­nosaurs but they weren’t re­al­ly di­nosaurs, we call them di­nosaurs but that’s just how God made an­i­mals, you know, un­til you start messin with the DNA of ’em.
Sec­ond man: Oh!
First man: Then Cain met his sis­ter and they had a ba­by to­geth­er but since Cain was cursed for be­ing the first mur­der­er their ba­by came out an obi­no.
Sec­ond man: An obi­no?
First man: Yeah, a red-head­ed blue-eyed obi­no and that’s where white peo­ple come from. Then they went to the north pole and you know it’s light there six months and it’s dark there six months and the wind is al­ways blow­ing and that’s where Asian peo­ple come from. That’s why they eyes is like that be­cause the wind was al­ways blowin in they faces.

–D Train

What Pass­es As Gen­tle­man­ly in NYC

Girl #1: That show was so good.
Girl #2: I know — some guy tried to fin­ger me.
Girl #1: What?!
Girl #2: Yeah… He was danc­ing with his girl­friend and then he turned around and saw me. It was kin­da nice…

–Ter­mi­nal 5

Over­heard by: Kel­ly

If It’s That Much Fun, You Weren’t Do­ing the Right Drugs

20-Some­thing guy #1: I loved re­hab.
20-Some­thing guy #2: I did, too.
20-Some­thing guy #1: You know, I’m so grate­ful for the friends.

–19th & 8th

Over­heard by: Se­bas­t­ian White
Head­line by: Adam Nathan

Run­ners-Up:
· “And Don’t For­get the Free Detox Pon­cho” — To­by
· “And By ‘Friends,’ He Means ‘Points of Ref­er­ence.’ ” — Jes­si­ca P.
· “And Your Daugh­ters Ap­pre­ci­ate Not Hav­ing to Say They Fell Down the Stairs at School” — Fake Jew
· “How­ev­er, My In­ter­ven­tion Was a Bore.” — Sean
· “If I Ever Get Lone­ly, I Know I Can Just Re­lapse.” — Col­in Mc­Cleod
· “It’s Hard to Find Peo­ple Who Un­der­stand My Smurf Porn Ad­dic­tion.” — John
· “Its Just Like Sum­mer Camp! But With No Blow” — Liss
· “So No One Told Ya Life Was Gonna Be This Wayyy (Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap)” — pe­te
· “That’s Spelled F‑I-E-N-D‑S” — Boston­ian
· “They Were The Mayo On My Cold Turkey” — Hell­boy
· “You Should See the Sup­port at the Sex­a­holics Meet­ing” — Mike

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Cute, Cuter, Wednes­day-One-Linest

Port­ly young woman brows­ing dress for her­self, non­cha­lant­ly: Oh, this is cute, but too bad it does­n’t come in fat-ass-bitch size.

–Tar­get, Brook­lyn

20-some­thing girl to boyfriend: Oh my god, you are so cute I just wan­na punch you in the face!

–135th & 5th

Over­heard by: Howzith

Mid­dle-aged woman on cell ex­it­ing bus: You have a blessed day! (to phone) No, not you! I was talk­ing to the bus driver–he was re­al­ly cute!

–Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: B44 rid­er

Stu­dent fundrais­er to passer­by: Tai­wan needs help! Hey, you’re cute enough to help Tai­wan!

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: L‑Dubbs

Cute blonde to friend at gym: Oh my god! Look! That looks like a cuter ver­sion of this bald guy I slept with in a clos­et over the sum­mer!

–14th & 3rd

Over­heard by: Rob Lovett

Ten If He’s Been Drink­ing

Girl: He on­ly stuck it in, so it does­n’t count.
Boy: Stuck it in? Like what’s that mean?
Girl: I dun­no, like three thrusts, tops.
Boy: Yeah, you’re a vir­gin still. It has to be at least five thrusts to count.

–74th St & Dit­mars, Jack­son Heights