Tracheotomy lady in wheelchair: Nita, the car’s here. The car’s here, Nita — get off the phone! [Cousin Nita tries to hang up wall phone, but misses.] You’re so lame, Nita.
–Lucille Lortel Theatre
Archive for June, 2015
T.G.I. Friday’s: Explained
Girl #1: I just want to get laid!
Girl #2: Well, based on his texts, that’s obviously not going to happen.
Girl #1, sighing: You’re right…let’s just get greasy drunk food.
–14th St & 2nd Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Sit Shiva
50-something suit: In many ways I enjoyed his funeral reception more than his wedding reception.
–PATH
Overheard by: Joe H.
Girl on cell: He died. They found his body. I don’t know, somewhere in the Bronx. He was strangled or some shit. Yeah, he died from it. Oh shit, that’s why I forgot to send you the invitation for the whatchacallit, the funeral.
–Rivington & Attorney
Overheard by: I wasn’t invited either
Gay guy to friend: So I told John I would go to his funeral just to spit in his face!
–West Bank Cafe
60-something woman to another: So I’m glad I didn’t go to his fucking bitch sister’s funeral. But now he’s mad.
–Central Park
20-something guy on cell: Just ’cause I did meth with his daughter doesn’t mean I’m going to go to his funeral!
–7th Ave Subway Entrance
Oh, These Guys Would Respect You Like Crazy
Asian yuppie: I’m so tired of his bullshit. I’m done. Like seriously. Who the fuck tells his ex: “Hey, I’m going to ask this chick out, you think it’s a good idea?” That bastard!
White yuppie: Wow, no respect at all.
Asian yuppie: I know.
White yuppie: We should go out for drinks, I know a lot of guy friends who would do anything to have sex with you.
Asian yuppie: I don’t need to get laid…
White yuppie: Blasphemy!
Asian yuppie: Ok. You’re right, maybe I do need to get laid.
–Grand Central Station
Communicating Through Language Has Taken Our Relationship to a Whole New Level
20-something man #1: So you got a rap job?
20-something man #2: Yeah. My girl loves it.
20-something man #1: Really?
20-something man #2: Yeah, she thinks I’m, like, intellectual. It’s like, it’s not rap to her. It’s like…words, ya know?
20-something man #1: I hear ya, man…
–LIRR
I Also Love Gravity Bongs and Our Lord Jesus Christ
Boyfriend: This song was in ‘Beavis and Butt-head do America’!
Girlfriend: Yeah?
Boyfriend: I love that movie … And I love you.
–Dunkin Donuts, 26th & 7th
Overheard by: Kai Nagai-Rothe
Sounds More Like King-sized
Girl: The last guy she slept with was eleven inches.
Guy: Well, she is from Queens.
–N train
As If She Gives a Fuck What Coloreds Say
Girl from upstate New York: So are there a lot of colored people in Connecticut?
Long pause.
Black girl: We say black people now.
–FIT
Overheard by: LL
Shit.
Young woman leaving Macy’s employee entrance: Fuck, will you people just fucking walk!?
Little boy: Mommy, why is the elf in different clothes? And why is she saying bad words?
Random passerby: It’s because she’s a New York elf.
Little boy: Oooooooooohhhhhhhhh.
Mom: Shit!
Little boy: You could be a New York elf!!!!!!
–35th & 7th
Finally, a Phrase Everyone Can Use!
Queer: Can I bum a cigarette? I’m about to get my dick wet.
Flamboyant queer: That’s something straight people say.
Queer: Can I bum a cigarette? I’m about to get my dick stinky.
–Soho
Overheard by: Daniel Scott
