Archive for June, 2015

Every­body but You Has a Cell Phone

Tra­cheoto­my la­dy in wheel­chair: Ni­ta, the car’s here. The car’s here, Ni­ta — get off the phone! [Cousin Ni­ta tries to hang up wall phone, but miss­es.] You’re so lame, Ni­ta.

–Lu­cille Lor­tel The­atre

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Sit Shi­va

50-some­thing suit: In many ways I en­joyed his fu­ner­al re­cep­tion more than his wed­ding re­cep­tion.

–PATH

Over­heard by: Joe H.

Girl on cell: He died. They found his body. I don’t know, some­where in the Bronx. He was stran­gled or some shit. Yeah, he died from it. Oh shit, that’s why I for­got to send you the in­vi­ta­tion for the whatch­a­cal­lit, the fu­ner­al.

–Riv­ing­ton & At­tor­ney

Over­heard by: I was­n’t in­vit­ed ei­ther

Gay guy to friend: So I told John I would go to his fu­ner­al just to spit in his face!

–West Bank Cafe

60-some­thing woman to an­oth­er: So I’m glad I did­n’t go to his fuck­ing bitch sis­ter’s fu­ner­al. But now he’s mad.

–Cen­tral Park

20-some­thing guy on cell: Just ’cause I did meth with his daugh­ter does­n’t mean I’m go­ing to go to his fu­ner­al!

–7th Ave Sub­way En­trance

Oh, These Guys Would Re­spect You Like Crazy

Asian yup­pie: I’m so tired of his bull­shit. I’m done. Like se­ri­ous­ly. Who the fuck tells his ex: “Hey, I’m go­ing to ask this chick out, you think it’s a good idea?” That bas­tard!
White yup­pie: Wow, no re­spect at all.
Asian yup­pie: I know.
White yup­pie: We should go out for drinks, I know a lot of guy friends who would do any­thing to have sex with you.
Asian yup­pie: I don’t need to get laid…
White yup­pie: Blas­phe­my!
Asian yup­pie: Ok. You’re right, maybe I do need to get laid.

–Grand Cen­tral Sta­tion

Shit.

Young woman leav­ing Ma­cy’s em­ploy­ee en­trance: Fuck, will you peo­ple just fuck­ing walk!?
Lit­tle boy: Mom­my, why is the elf in dif­fer­ent clothes? And why is she say­ing bad words?
Ran­dom passer­by: It’s be­cause she’s a New York elf.
Lit­tle boy: Oooooooooohh­h­h­h­h­h­hh.
Mom: Shit!
Lit­tle boy: You could be a New York elf!!!!!!

–35th & 7th