Archive for June, 2015

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Have Their Ups and “Downs”

Dog own­er to an­oth­er: Dogs are fun­ny. They’re like lit­tle re­tard­ed kids.

–Tomp­kins Square Park Dog Run

Guy on cell: She went from Deb­bie down­er to Deb­bie Down Syn­drome.

–62nd St & 2nd Ave

Over­heard by: Timo Lip­ping

Dad: I thought she would like Car­oli­na, so we took her to see four schools there. I asked her if she liked them and she said, “I liked the schools… But every­one there seemed slight­ly re­tard­ed.”

–W 54th St & 8th Ave

Over­heard by: John­ny V.

South­ern woman who just ran NYC marathon to South­ern friend: Well, we can’t have a ba­by now be­cause it would be re­tard­ed… be­cause I’m 35, you know?

–Bec­co Restau­rant, The­ater Dis­trict

Over­heard by: mer­say­seh

Shh! We Haven’t An­nexed Them Yet

Busi­ness­guy: …and then she said, “Let’s meet up in Barcelona next week­end.” Like that’s close!
Busi­ness­woman: You have bonus miles though, don’t you? Plus, you need a va­ca­tion any­way, so why not?
Busi­ness­man: I’d rather have her come vis­it me on Amer­i­can soil, like we could go to Mon­tre­al for the Grand Prix maybe…

–70th & Lex

Sor­ry, the Evil Priest Po­si­tions Have Been Filled

Woman #1: I’ve been think­ing late­ly that I want to be a gy­ne­col­o­gist.
Woman #2: That’d be so cute! You could de­liv­er ba­bies and every­thing!
Woman #1: Oh. Well. Ac­tu­al­ly, I don’t re­al­ly like chil­dren. I mean, I’d be will­ing to kill them, but I would­n’t re­al­ly want to de­liv­er them…

–Neva­da Smith’s, 3rd Av­enue

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are the Idols of Mil­lions of Sub­ur­ban White Boys

Thug to friends: Look, what­ev­er, but I have nev­er found my­self with a girl who has no face.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Thug: Yo, I got a huge blunt in my pock­et… Oh, wait, that’s my in­haler.

–Q train

Over­heard by: djin­go

Thug: Fuck that. Fuck that, nig­ga! If Bill Gates of­fered me 20 bil­lion dol­lars to suck his cock, I’d swal­low. Fuck.

–Brook­lyn Col­lege

Over­heard by: I would, too.

Thug ath­lete, af­ter soc­cer game: You al­ways be playin’ that shit. You play that shit here, you play that shit in bas­ket­ball, you play that shit in choir…

–Prospect Park

Over­heard by: this guy

Thug on cell: I don’t know where I was, but they’s Ger­mans every­where in this hood! They on my left, right. Damn! [Looks around anx­ious­ly] Now I know how Pat­ton felt, son!

–14th & Drig­gs

Teen thug to friend: Yo, man, have you looked at a map of Man­hat­tan? Know what that shit looks like?!

–W 79th

Over­heard by: Nik­ki W.