Tourist: Excuse me, but could you please tell me the time?
New Yorker: What do I look like? Big fuckin’ Ben or somethin’?
–Broadway
Archive for July, 2015
Which I Suppose Was the Point of the Tour
Girl #1: … And you went to Amsterdam?
Girl #2: Yeah, it was really cool. We went to the Reichsmuseum, the Van Gogh Museum, the Red Light District…
Girl #1: Did you go to the Anne Frank House?
Girl #2: Yeah, but we sort of did things backwards that day… We went to the Heineken brewery and then to a coffeehouse, so by the time we got to the Anne Frank House we were totally drunk and high.
Girl #1: What?! You went to the Anne Frank House drunk?
Girl #2: No, it’s okay… We went to a concentration camp while we were in Germany and saw all kinds of stuff about the war. By the time we got to Amsterdam, we were like, ‘Enough with the Nazis, already!’
–11th & University
Overheard by: I did the same thing when I was in Amsterdam
…This Must Be How G.I.s Feel Being Ripped Away from Their Spouses in Times Of War!
Security guard: Sorry bud, you can’t go in.
Man who finished smoking a cigarette: I just came out here to smoke! I left my stuff in there. I left my girlfriend in there!
–Broadway & 36th, Outside Gotham Hall
Overheard by: TheAudioPerv
Wednesday One-Liners (Sing Along If You Know the Words)
Crazy hobo (to the tune of Elvis’ Hound dog): Ain’t nothing but a hound dog! (mutters next two lines) And you never fuck a rabbit in the ass, cause that’s just a waste of time!
–E 4th St & 2nd Ave
Man, to the tune of Hit Me Baby One More Time: I need to pee out of my urethra.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Noelle
Guy in back of the bus wearing headphones and singing: (almost inaudible) I wanna die…I just wanna die.
(everyone stares at him)
Guy: (almost inaudible) I wanna die… I wanna dieeeeeeee.
–Bx 9 Bus, Fordham Plaza
Overheard by: Krisztina, sitting right in front of him
Homeless guy singing while shaking paper cup full of change: Oh me, oh my… There goes perfection. Oh me, oh my… Here comes an erection.
–13th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: rolf
Young Hispanic man singing to Led Zeppelin’s Stairway to Heaven: And there’s a wino down the road!
–E train
Overheard by: In_the_Shadows
Crazy hobo signing to two passing women: Vaaaggiiinnnaaa… Vaaagggiiiinnaaaa. (stretches out his neck towards them and emphasizes) Vaaaaggggiiiiinnnaaaaaa!
–Near NYU
Overheard by: Joe
Army Recruiter: We’ve Got Your Dream Job
Male student #1: It’s not easy.
Male student #2: Nothing is easy. (pause) Some things are simple.
Male student #1: Oh, sure.
Male student #2: But nothing is easy. (pause) I have no idea where I’m going.
–NYU Campus
Overheard by: zelda
That Must Be Canadia
Man: Honey, what’s her zip code?
Woman: Oh…um…it’s 1000007.
–Astoria
Overheard by: Alizzon
Girl #1: We’re going to Montreal for the weekend.
Girl #2: I love Montreal! It’s so easy to get to, and so exotic…it’s
like going to a different country.
–68th & Lexington
Would You Feel Better If We Called It ‘Alms’?
Hobette: Can you spare any food? I’m very hungry…Can you spare any food? I’m very hungry…Can you spare any food? I’m very hungry.
Passenger: The Homeless Coalition man is one car ahead and is offering food.
Hobette: I’ll buy my own food. I don’t need no charity!
–Downtown R train
I Think We All Know How This Game Ends
Dude #1: You’re not really gay.
Dude #2: Yes, I am!
Dude #1: Straight.
Dude #2, vehemently: I have a loofah!
–37th & 28th
Overheard by: MIcSpicie
It’s Way Too Early for Good News
Religious guy: … And remember, Jesus loves you! He loves us all. Jesus loves you!
Man in back of train: Jesus fucking hates you! Shut the fuck up!
–PATH train
Overheard by: Nick
In Where, Exactly?
Six-year-old son, indicating sex shop: Can I?! I want to go in there!
Frazzled mother: No. Just… no.
–Christopher, between Bleecker & Hudson
Overheard by: Colleen
