Archive for August, 2015

Or­ders from Fear­less Leader

Girl #1: My mom is ob­sessed with tv. When she was preg­nant with me and her wa­ter broke, she wait­ed un­til Moon­light­ing was over be­fore she left for the hos­pi­tal. I’m even named af­ter a tv char­ac­ter.
Girl #2: Natasha?
Girl #1: Yeah, you know, from Rocky and Bull­win­kle?
Girl #2: Why did­n’t she just name you Bull­win­kle?

–LIRR

What With My Dad Breast­feed­ing Me

Girl #1: There was nev­er any time I was­n’t kiss­ing guys.
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1:  I mean I’ve been flirt­ing and dat­ing and mak­ing out with guys since like, I was an in­fant.

–NJ Tran­sit

As Good a Jew As You Are a Bap­tist, Sweet­ie

Ghet­to black les­bian: Look, you are Time Mag­a­zine’s Per­son of the Year.
Jew­ish les­bian: That is so lame.
Ghet­to black les­bian, pick­ing up a card in­stead: What does ‘shalom’ mean? Does any­body know what ‘shalom’ means?
Jew­ish les­bian: You are ask­ing the wrong Jew.
Ghet­to black les­bian: What kind of Jew are you? What good are you?

–Du­ane Reade, Broad­way & Reade

Over­heard by: Just try­ing to buy some cards

Logs of Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Guy: You know, we re­al­ly should do some­thing with all that drift­wood we brought back from Cana­da.

–West Elm fur­ni­ture, DUM­BO

Over­heard by: Ash­ley

The hus­band scoops dog shit in a clear plas­tic bag, swings it around and calls out to his wife: Hey, Mar­la! Ya hun­gry? Hot fudge, fresh from the oven!

–Prince St. be­tween Thomp­son & West Broad­way