Archive for September, 2015

Get­ting Wednes­dayed Is Easy; Stay­ing One-Linered Is Hard

Man to woman: Well, I’ve al­ready been in two suc­cess­ful mar­riages…

–Hud­son Riv­er Park

Talk­a­tive hus­band to blase wife: We’ve been mar­ried for over a year, who would not like us?

–F Train

Over­heard by: Elise

Girl: So, when you say “mar­ried,” is that like “mar­ried-and-just-not-di­vorced-yet,” or like “mar­ried-mar­ried-and-ac­tu­al­ly-liv­ing-to­geth­er”?

–6 Train

Woman on cell: Well, it’s a good thing you did­n’t mar­ry Su­san’s broth­er, be­cause he end­ed up los­ing a tes­ti­cle.

–DUM­BO, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Megan

Woman on cell: Sor­ry, but if I want­ed to be heav­i­ly se­dat­ed and drunk all day, I’d mar­ry you.

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

Over­heard by: Josh

Guy with eye patch: If a girl eats out your ass on the first date, you mar­ry her!

–77th & 34th

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Aren’t That Kind Of Street­walk­er

Po­lice of­fi­cer to taxi dri­ver: If you just hit one, the rest will scat­ter.

–Her­ald Square

Guy to girl, push­ing her in­to the street: An­na ver­sus car, who will win?

–E Hous­ton & Ave D

Over­heard by: ha­ha

Tourist to New York­er: You’re not sup­posed to jay­walk!

–Her­ald Square

Chick to an­oth­er: We did­n’t get hit by a car… Oh well, maybe next time.

–7th & 23rd

Over­heard by: Stormy

Guy with stroller to pass­ing car: You hit my ba­by, I’ll take your car!

–Ford­ham & Hoff­man

Over­heard by: sromeo

Cross­ing guard, watch­ing pedes­tri­an cross in a hur­ry: My mon­ey’s on the bus!

–Low­er Man­hat­tan

Over­heard by: Steve

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Would Like to Thank the Acad­e­my

Sassy eight-year-old to moth­er: You don’t know Span­ish ex­cept what you learned from Se­le­na.

–2 Train

Chick on cell: Watch­ing 27 Dress­es in a chee­tah robe…

–110th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Vir­ginia

Lit­tle boy, as his moth­er asks for di­rec­tions: Great, we’re lost in New York City. It’s like Home Alone!

–Across from Spa­malot The­atre

Fag to hag: Don’t you re­mem­ber that time on Ti­tan­ic when Leonar­do Di­Caprio told you not to just talk about it, but do it? He was gonna teach you how to spit like a man and ride a horse like a man, and then the ship sank and he died. This is your mo­ment. Spit, woman, spit!

–Nat­ur­al His­to­ry Mu­se­um

(at a screen­ing of The Shin­ing)
Woman: Ha­ha! How can a ghost open a door? This movie sucks!

–Em­pire-Ful­ton Fer­ry State Park

Thug to an­oth­er: And she said she wan­na go to the movies. And I said I don’t wan­na go to the movies, I want some pussy!

–57th & 9th

Over­heard by: JPM

Pan­han­dler on train: Please, I can’t af­ford the rent at the YM­CA be­cause they just raised it. So if any­one has some mon­ey or some food or some­thing to drink, it would re­al­ly help me out. Je­sus loves peo­ple who help poor peo­ple. Al­so, don’t for­get to see the new sum­mer block­buster Hell­boy II. It’s re­al­ly great.

–F Train

Over­heard by: JB