Activist: Hey, fur bimbo! How’d you get the blood off your hands?
–St. Mark’s Place
Archive for September, 2015
The Nucular Option Was in the Pre-Nup
Blonde model: I can’t believe she wants President Bush at her wedding!
Brunette model: I know. What if he says “nuc-u-lar” or something!?
Blonde model: Why would he say “nuc-u-lar” at a wedding?
Brunette model: Helloooo? Because he’s the President!
Blonde model: True…
–67th & Madison
Getting Wednesdayed Is Easy; Staying One-Linered Is Hard
Man to woman: Well, I’ve already been in two successful marriages…
–Hudson River Park
Talkative husband to blase wife: We’ve been married for over a year, who would not like us?
–F Train
Overheard by: Elise
Girl: So, when you say “married,” is that like “married-and-just-not-divorced-yet,” or like “married-married-and-actually-living-together”?
–6 Train
Woman on cell: Well, it’s a good thing you didn’t marry Susan’s brother, because he ended up losing a testicle.
–DUMBO, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Megan
Woman on cell: Sorry, but if I wanted to be heavily sedated and drunk all day, I’d marry you.
–Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Josh
Guy with eye patch: If a girl eats out your ass on the first date, you marry her!
–77th & 34th
She’s Sleeping with Her Entire Weight Watchers Group
Girl #1: God, it smells like chicken McNuggets in here.
Girl #2: Oh, yeah, that’s just my poonan.
–Elevator, Times Square Arts Center
Or You Wish Tina Fey Paid That Much Attention to You?
Male employee #1: I wish I was more like Sarah Palin.
Male employee #2: You mean, you wish you was a female? Or you wish you were a Republican politician?
–Target Store
Overheard by: amalthya
Wednesday One-Liners Aren’t That Kind Of Streetwalker
Police officer to taxi driver: If you just hit one, the rest will scatter.
–Herald Square
Guy to girl, pushing her into the street: Anna versus car, who will win?
–E Houston & Ave D
Overheard by: haha
Tourist to New Yorker: You’re not supposed to jaywalk!
–Herald Square
Chick to another: We didn’t get hit by a car… Oh well, maybe next time.
–7th & 23rd
Overheard by: Stormy
Guy with stroller to passing car: You hit my baby, I’ll take your car!
–Fordham & Hoffman
Overheard by: sromeo
Crossing guard, watching pedestrian cross in a hurry: My money’s on the bus!
–Lower Manhattan
Overheard by: Steve
They’re Filled with Menses
Guy: That’s pretty ballsy.
Chick: Honey, I have testicles. The reason I don’t wear skirts is not ’cause of my chicken legs, it’s ’cause I don’t want people to see my huge, hanging testicles.
Guy: …well, all right.
–44th & 5th
Overheard by: Kevin
Constipates Anonymous Meeting
Dude: Sorry I couldn’t make it Friday night. I heard it was quite a doody.
Chick: Yeah, it was so good that everyone shit their pants.
–32nd & 7th
Wednesday One-Liners Would Like to Thank the Academy
Sassy eight-year-old to mother: You don’t know Spanish except what you learned from Selena.
–2 Train
Chick on cell: Watching 27 Dresses in a cheetah robe…
–110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Virginia
Little boy, as his mother asks for directions: Great, we’re lost in New York City. It’s like Home Alone!
–Across from Spamalot Theatre
Fag to hag: Don’t you remember that time on Titanic when Leonardo DiCaprio told you not to just talk about it, but do it? He was gonna teach you how to spit like a man and ride a horse like a man, and then the ship sank and he died. This is your moment. Spit, woman, spit!
–Natural History Museum
(at a screening of The Shining)
Woman: Haha! How can a ghost open a door? This movie sucks!
–Empire-Fulton Ferry State Park
Thug to another: And she said she wanna go to the movies. And I said I don’t wanna go to the movies, I want some pussy!
–57th & 9th
Overheard by: JPM
Panhandler on train: Please, I can’t afford the rent at the YMCA because they just raised it. So if anyone has some money or some food or something to drink, it would really help me out. Jesus loves people who help poor people. Also, don’t forget to see the new summer blockbuster Hellboy II. It’s really great.
–F Train
Overheard by: JB
Good Thing He Had Those Ruby Slippers
Asian guy #1: Ok, here’s the train.
Asian guy #2: Dude! No way! That’s the Q!
Asian guy #1: What?
Asian guy #2: Dude! You couldn’t pay me to take the Q! Last time I took the Q, I got on around Canal Street and next thing I knew, I was in. . like… Brooklyn!
–Herald Square station
