Archive for September, 2015

Your Wednesday One-Liners Are Sagging

Man on phone: If I took off my pants and a duck flew out still no one would give a fuck about me.

–W 4th & Mercer

Overheard by: Emlay

Girl on cell: Mom! You don’t need pants to get a job!

–72nd & Columbus

Woman on cell: So she’s standing in the lobby of the Ritz-Carlton without any pants on!

–8th Ave

White girl: I realized I was the only white person there so I put my pants on and left.

–83rd & 2nd

Yes, but Prematurely

Subway sandwich maker: What size? 6″ or foot-long?
Older suit: How big is 6″, lemme see?
Subway sandwich maker, deadpan: It’s 6″ inches long, sir. (holds up bread)
Older suit: That’s what I want, not too big. Does that come with lettuce?

–33rd & 10th

Overheard by: since when does it not come with lettuce?!

Sometimes He Even Gets a Bear Claw

15-year-old boy #1: So, like, I know they used whales for, like, their blubber and shit, but I thought there was something else they killed ’em for.
15-year-old boy #2: Dumbass. They kill whales for their tusks, everybody knows that!
15-year-old boy #1: Oh, right… But I thought that’s what elephants were for.
15-year-old boy #2: Nope. Their ears.
15-year-old boy #1, baffled: Their ears?!
15-year-old boy #2: Yep, my dad goes down to the bakery every Sunday and gets an elephant ear and a coffee. I swear.
15-year-old boy #1: That’s some fucked-up shit!

–Faye’s Starbucks

Overheard by: Stop elephant cruelty! Save the elephant ears!

Elephant Man II: Apple Girl

Girl #1: You know you can spell your name R‑A-C-H-L‑E too, right?
Girl #2: That’s Rach-lee.
Girl #1: No, the way it sounds listen to the LE, like “apple”. You don’t spell apple A‑P-P-E‑L.
Girl #2: Yeah, but that’s dumb because I am not an apple.

–Sheepshead Bay station

Overheard by: Lena Ner 

She’s Grieving, You Bitch!

Skank: Oh, god… It’s just so sad. I mean, that fuckah was just so young. He got so many women. Why he had to die?
Woman trying to talk on cell: Oh, well I’m sorry to hear that.
Skank: I mean, I woulda done anything for him… Anything at all… Great fuck… Great fuckah… Sad. [Train stops.] I gotta go.
Woman, back to caller: Hun? Sorry about that. Some girl wouldn’t stop talking. I think she was going to the first funeral that didn’t take place in her womb.

–A train

He Had a Three Foot Proof of Intelligent Design

20-ish guy: I wish I had a gi-normous cock. I mean, a cock the size of a baseball bat.
20-ish girl: What would you do with it? No woman could fit it in.
20-ish guy: Doesn’t matter. If I had a cock that big I’d never have to argue with anyone again.
20-ish girl: How do you figure that?
20-ish guy: If someone disagreed with me I would take out my 34-inch cock, flip it up on the table like a mutant Chateaubriand and make a face like this [makes a ‘So there!’ face].
20s-ish girl: So, let me get this straight: You think that a giant penis trumps a logical argument?
20-ish guy: Well, doesn’t it? Like with that guy you met in Aruba last winter?
20-ish girl, after long stare: I told you never to mention that again.

–Bar, Manhattan Ave, Greenpoint

Overheard by: Big Larry