Archive for October, 2015

This Urn of Scalding Decaf Says You Are Mistaken

Waiter: Excuse me, sir — can you finish up your coffee? We’re closing.
Customer: What do you mean? It’s only 10:30! You close at eleven.
Waiter: Well, we changed the hours, and we now close at 10:30.
Customer: Well, last time I checked, I am a customer and I am right about a lot of stuff, and I say you close at eleven.

–Coffee shop, 20th & 1st

Overheard by: PJ

Ashlee Finally Lets Jessica Have It

Teen girl: Have you ever wondered why there are no, like, sexy midgets?
Friend: No, but sometimes I wonder if you are slightly retarded.
Headline by: DomCar 

Runners-Up:
· “And somewhere, at that moment, a tiny discrimination lawsuit was being filed” — Marc
· “Awwww! Thanks! You said slightly!” — Emily
· “Being sexy isn’t necessary when your face if even with most people’s crotches” — theVixenNicole
· “Both problems are an unfortunate result of genetics.” — Aaron Stephenson
· “But, like, sexily so?” — Tom Dorey
· “By the end of the yellow brick road, the Tin Man was hungry, tired, and BIT-CHY!” — Alissa
· “Comebacks for when you are secretly in love with a midget.” — John
· “Happily, I Have a Fetish for Both” — anthony fiore
· “It’s Sexy Because It’s Like Having Sex With Kids, But They’re Legal!” — Bored Beyond Belief
· “She’s obviously never seen Wizard of Oz, that is ALL sex appeal” — Kevo
· “Thank God your mom pays me to hang out with you” — tiddlywinks
· “The Sexy Midget Union, recognizing retardation as a handicap, will not sue.” — Extra Character
· “The ‘My secret is: I’m marrying a dwarf’ deodorant ad — first take” — Amanda
· “There Are Sexy Midgets, You Probably Just Overlooked Them!” — Hobo Whisperer
· “They Prefer the Term “Erotically Challenged Little People”” — Shepcat
· “Yellow fever: Love of Asians. Smallpox: Love of midgets. Down Syndrome: That girl.” — erak
· “Yes, but I look good in a teddy AND can reach the top shelf” — Villelen
· “You Don’t Need to Be So Short With Me” — Matthew K Johnson

Honorable mentions:
· “But can slightly retarded be sexy?” — Virginia Wood
· “If she were fully retarded, she’d be banging all the unsexy midgets.” — AJ
· “So all those internet porn sites are wrong?” — Graz
· “The Sexy Ones Wouldn’t Want to Sleep with you Anyway” — Ian
· “The new MMILF: Mental Midgets I’d Like to F***” — Peter Parker

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Least of All My Roommate’s Audible Masturbation

Chick: So I e‑mailed my building manager to complain about my jerk roommate, and she wrote back that the solution to all my problems is to chant. And she sent me the chant! Listen to this: “Nam yo ho ren ge cho.” And if I do this every day, I’ll be happier, wiser, and in rhythm.
Dude: There are two possibilities here. Either she’s enough of a flake to believe this, or she thinks you’re enough of a flake to believe it.
Chick: None of this is good!

–151st & Broadway

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Helen Thomas: Um, Follow-up Question, Mr. Slacker?

Dude #1: So, the other night I killed a mouse by rolling over on it in my sleep.
Dude #2: How did you know you killed it? Did you feel it or just wake up and find it there?
Dude #1: Yeah, when I woke up in the morning I looked over and was like, ‘Oh, a mouse,’ and then I took a picture.

–Ciao for Now, 12th St & Ave A

Overheard by: Coffee drinker who just lost her appetite