Archive for October, 2015

This Urn of Scald­ing De­caf Says You Are Mis­tak­en

Wait­er: Ex­cuse me, sir — can you fin­ish up your cof­fee? We’re clos­ing.
Cus­tomer: What do you mean? It’s on­ly 10:30! You close at eleven.
Wait­er: Well, we changed the hours, and we now close at 10:30.
Cus­tomer: Well, last time I checked, I am a cus­tomer and I am right about a lot of stuff, and I say you close at eleven.

–Cof­fee shop, 20th & 1st

Over­heard by: PJ

Ash­lee Fi­nal­ly Lets Jes­si­ca Have It

Teen girl: Have you ever won­dered why there are no, like, sexy midgets?
Friend: No, but some­times I won­der if you are slight­ly re­tard­ed.
Head­line by: Dom­Car

Run­ners-Up:
· “And some­where, at that mo­ment, a tiny dis­crim­i­na­tion law­suit was be­ing filed” — Marc
· “Awwww! Thanks! You said slight­ly!” — Emi­ly
· “Be­ing sexy is­n’t nec­es­sary when your face if even with most peo­ple’s crotch­es” — the­Vixen­Ni­cole
· “Both prob­lems are an un­for­tu­nate re­sult of ge­net­ics.” — Aaron Stephen­son
· “But, like, sex­i­ly so?” — Tom Dorey
· “By the end of the yel­low brick road, the Tin Man was hun­gry, tired, and BIT-CHY!” — Alis­sa
· “Come­backs for when you are se­cret­ly in love with a midget.” — John
· “Hap­pi­ly, I Have a Fetish for Both” — an­tho­ny fiore
· “It’s Sexy Be­cause It’s Like Hav­ing Sex With Kids, But They’re Le­gal!” — Bored Be­yond Be­lief
· “She’s ob­vi­ous­ly nev­er seen Wiz­ard of Oz, that is ALL sex ap­peal” — Ke­vo
· “Thank God your mom pays me to hang out with you” — tid­dly­winks
· “The Sexy Midget Union, rec­og­niz­ing re­tar­da­tion as a hand­i­cap, will not sue.” — Ex­tra Char­ac­ter
· “The ‘My se­cret is: I’m mar­ry­ing a dwarf’ de­odor­ant ad — first take” — Aman­da
· “There Are Sexy Midgets, You Prob­a­bly Just Over­looked Them!” — Hobo Whis­per­er
· “They Pre­fer the Term “Erot­i­cal­ly Chal­lenged Lit­tle Peo­ple”” — Shep­cat
· “Yel­low fever: Love of Asians. Small­pox: Love of midgets. Down Syn­drome: That girl.” — er­ak
· “Yes, but I look good in a ted­dy AND can reach the top shelf” — Vil­le­len
· “You Don’t Need to Be So Short With Me” — Matthew K John­son

Hon­or­able men­tions:
· “But can slight­ly re­tard­ed be sexy?” — Vir­ginia Wood
· “If she were ful­ly re­tard­ed, she’d be bang­ing all the un­sexy midgets.” — AJ
· “So all those in­ter­net porn sites are wrong?” — Graz
· “The Sexy Ones Would­n’t Want to Sleep with you Any­way” — Ian
· “The new MMILF: Men­tal Midgets I’d Like to F***” — Pe­ter Park­er

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Least of All My Room­mate’s Au­di­ble Mas­tur­ba­tion

Chick: So I e‑mailed my build­ing man­ag­er to com­plain about my jerk room­mate, and she wrote back that the so­lu­tion to all my prob­lems is to chant. And she sent me the chant! Lis­ten to this: “Nam yo ho ren ge cho.” And if I do this every day, I’ll be hap­pi­er, wis­er, and in rhythm.
Dude: There are two pos­si­bil­i­ties here. Ei­ther she’s enough of a flake to be­lieve this, or she thinks you’re enough of a flake to be­lieve it.
Chick: None of this is good!

–151st & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Rose Fox