Archive for November, 2015

He’s the Greatest Beard a Gal Could Ask For

30-year-old #1: So we went out on Thursday, and he didn’t call me Friday or Saturday, which was good. Then he showed up at the party on Sunday and didn’t talk to me for the first 35 minutes. Yesterday, he left me a message telling me how nice the party was, and I haven’t called him back.
30-year-old #2: But you like him.
30-year-old #1: Yeah, I think it’s going well.

–12th & Broadway

Republicans: Eeexcellent!

Black woman #1: Who you gonna vote fo’ in this election?
Black woman #2, picking her fingernails: I dunno. I just fuckin’ hate Bush. Anyone but him.
Black woman #1: I like Hillary. I think I’m gonna vote fo’ Hillary.
Black woman #2: Yeah. I mean, Obama’s cute, but I don’t care — he’s a black man. My husband’s a black man, and he don’t do shit.
Black woman #1: Mmm, I know.

–D train

He Should Be Hiring Skywriters

Teen girl: Wow, that’s pretty big.
Teen guy: And it won’t stop growing.
Teen girl: I think you need a doctor.
Teen guy: Oh yeah? What am I supposed to say? “Hey doc, my penis just won’t stop growing”? Yeah, right.
Teen girl: Uh…maybe you shouldn’t say that out loud.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Missy 

I Like to Braid It Using Only My Tongue

Woman with strong Southern accent: I am gonna have her bachelorette party in my apartment next weekend.
Husband: (nods)
Woman: But the goddamn stripper won’t return my phone calls.
(waitress brings shots)
Woman: What is this?
Waitress: Tequila, on us.
Woman: This’ll put hair on my boobies.
Husband’s friends: That’s just how he likes it.
Husband: (nods)

–Brother Jimmy’s BBQ, Upper West Side

The Most Talked-About Wednesday One-Liners Of the Season!

Cheap suit on phone: Make conversation? All you guys fucking talk about is bowel movements and the reporting thereof!

–Spring St & Cleveland Pl

Overheard by: Neilium

20-something hot chick on cell: I’m talking about a dog, Sean. Not a penis.

–C Train

Scandalized woman to husband: And they just kept talking about jizz!

–E Train

Woman on cell: I can’t talk about somebody being sexy while you talk about my vagina?

–37th & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Mondo Man

When Are You Not?

Barista #1: Dude, that would be awesome.
Barista #2: That’s crap. That would look stupid, and I will give you 50 bucks if you find me one!
Barista #1: Deal.
Customer: What are you guys talking about?
Barista #2: Human cheetah man.

–Tea Lounge, Union St

He Was Wrong

Drunk girls singing to birthday girl: For she’s a jolly good fellow, for she’s a jolly good fellow, for she’s a jolly good fellow…
Drunker girl: And she’s got a big cock!
Random black dude behind them: Bet it ain’t bigger than mine!

–Bleecker & Bowery

Overheard by: Anna