Archive for November, 2015

He’s the Great­est Beard a Gal Could Ask For

30-year-old #1: So we went out on Thurs­day, and he did­n’t call me Fri­day or Sat­ur­day, which was good. Then he showed up at the par­ty on Sun­day and did­n’t talk to me for the first 35 min­utes. Yes­ter­day, he left me a mes­sage telling me how nice the par­ty was, and I haven’t called him back.
30-year-old #2: But you like him.
30-year-old #1: Yeah, I think it’s go­ing well.

–12th & Broad­way

Re­pub­li­cans: Ee­ex­cel­lent!

Black woman #1: Who you gonna vote fo’ in this elec­tion?
Black woman #2, pick­ing her fin­ger­nails: I dun­no. I just fuckin’ hate Bush. Any­one but him.
Black woman #1: I like Hillary. I think I’m gonna vote fo’ Hillary.
Black woman #2: Yeah. I mean, Oba­ma’s cute, but I don’t care — he’s a black man. My hus­band’s a black man, and he don’t do shit.
Black woman #1: Mmm, I know.

–D train

He Should Be Hir­ing Sky­writ­ers

Teen girl: Wow, that’s pret­ty big.
Teen guy: And it won’t stop grow­ing.
Teen girl: I think you need a doc­tor.
Teen guy: Oh yeah? What am I sup­posed to say? “Hey doc, my pe­nis just won’t stop grow­ing”? Yeah, right.
Teen girl: Uh…maybe you should­n’t say that out loud.

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Mis­sy

I Like to Braid It Us­ing On­ly My Tongue

Woman with strong South­ern ac­cent: I am gonna have her bach­e­lorette par­ty in my apart­ment next week­end.
Hus­band: (nods)
Woman: But the god­damn strip­per won’t re­turn my phone calls.
(wait­ress brings shots)
Woman: What is this?
Wait­ress: Tequi­la, on us.
Woman: This’ll put hair on my boo­bies.
Hus­band’s friends: That’s just how he likes it.
Hus­band: (nods)

–Broth­er Jim­my’s BBQ, Up­per West Side

The Most Talked-About Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Of the Sea­son!

Cheap suit on phone: Make con­ver­sa­tion? All you guys fuck­ing talk about is bow­el move­ments and the re­port­ing there­of!

–Spring St & Cleve­land Pl

Over­heard by: Neil­i­um

20-some­thing hot chick on cell: I’m talk­ing about a dog, Sean. Not a pe­nis.

–C Train

Scan­dal­ized woman to hus­band: And they just kept talk­ing about jizz!

–E Train

Woman on cell: I can’t talk about some­body be­ing sexy while you talk about my vagi­na?

–37th & 7th Ave

Over­heard by: Mon­do Man

When Are You Not?

Barista #1: Dude, that would be awe­some.
Barista #2: That’s crap. That would look stu­pid, and I will give you 50 bucks if you find me one!
Barista #1: Deal.
Cus­tomer: What are you guys talk­ing about?
Barista #2: Hu­man chee­tah man.

–Tea Lounge, Union St

He Was Wrong

Drunk girls singing to birth­day girl: For she’s a jol­ly good fel­low, for she’s a jol­ly good fel­low, for she’s a jol­ly good fel­low…
Drunk­er girl: And she’s got a big cock!
Ran­dom black dude be­hind them: Bet it ain’t big­ger than mine!

–Bleeck­er & Bow­ery

Over­heard by: An­na