Archive for November, 2015

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Put Them on One Leg at a Time

Boy to girl: Does it look like my ass is eat­ing my pants?

–Brook­lyn Tech

Over­heard by: Julie

Eight-year old girl: It’s not me, it’s the pants! It’s the pants!

–81st & Roo­sevelt Ave

Over­heard by: Jobee

Woman on cell: No. No. Ab­solute­ly not. Look, would you please put some pants on?

–8th & Broad­way

Cop to his cop friends: My buns don’t look good in these pants. But hey, what can you do? It’s part of the uni­form.

–Times Square Shut­tle Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Heather

Girl on cell: Do you have to shit? Oh… So go in your pants!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Shi­ra

In­cred­u­lous thug to friend: You drop your pants to hop the train?

–W. Hous­ton & 1st Ave

Over­heard by: Jon A.

CASE CLASED

Girl: When I was a kid my par­ents bought me every­thing I want­ed.
Guy: Well yeah, you were re­al­ly spoiled.
Girl: No, I was high­ly en­ter­tained.
Guy: You were spoiled. You got every­thing, right?
Girl: Yeah…
Guy: So you were spoiled.
Girl: You don’t un­der­stand. I did­n’t cry or whine. My par­ents just bought me every­thing.

–N Train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Check ‘In a Re­la­tion­ship’

Chick on cell: I al­ways end up dat­ing peo­ple whose names aren’t ac­tu­al­ly their names.

–Harlem

Over­heard by: La­dle

Woman on cell: There’s this guy I think is re­al­ly hot. He’s gained some weight and lost his hair… but in a grace­ful way. No, no, noth­ing like that. He’s re­al­ly nice and he’s so smart… Well, he drinks a lot.

–Strand Book­store

Over­heard by: MHY

Woman to friend: 2006 was a ter­ri­ble year, but 2007 is gonna be bet­ter… No men in my life! But there’s this man at my job, and I’m try­ing to stay away from him, but I just can’t. From the mo­ment I saw him… Whew! One day he said to me, ‘Girl, put your hand in my pock­et, I got some lunch mon­ey in there for you.’ And I did it, and… Whew! I said, ‘I know what that is… That’s no lunch mon­ey… Let me feel it again.’

–F train

Over­heard by: liza

Man on cell: If I can’t get an Amer­i­can Jew­ish woman to go out with me… then there must be some­thing wrong with Amer­i­can Jew­ish women!

–45th & 8th

Over­heard by: Melanie

British chick to guy: I’m not break­ing up with you in that sense…

–49th St, be­tween 9th & 10th Ave

Over­heard by: nyamelia

Hip­ster chick: … And I’m like, ‘I love you.’ And he’s like, ‘Get away from me.’ I think he’s just afraid of com­mit­ment.

–7th Ave

Over­heard by: Regi­na De­o­rum

Woman to friends: Who needs a boyfriend when you’ve got a dog who farts?

–Max Bren­ner, Broad­way, be­tween 13th & 14th

Wednes­day One-Third-of-the-Trin­i­ty Lin­ers

Moth­er to tod­dler: So you wan­na play with Je­sus, huh? (pause, then sigh) Well, I don’t think Je­sus is around to­day… Not in the East Vil­lage, any­way.

–6th St & 1st Ave

Over­heard by: Pe­dro

Drunk­en 40-some­thing: It’s cool be­cause Je­sus said it. Fuck them all!

–65th & 1st

12-year-old boy in Catholic school uni­form on cell: I’m on­ly go­ing if Je­sus Christ is go­ing, and I don’t think Je­sus Christ is over on Flat­bush.

–5th Ave, Park Slope

Walk­ing guy: Can we at least agree that Je­sus would have a hard time get­ting on a plane to­day?

–Prospect Park, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: La­dle

Five-year-old: No one cares about Je­sus!

–Mu­se­um of Mod­ern Art

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Are Pasta­far­i­ans

Man: …and then she’s gon’ ask me, “How was church?” I’m like, get the fuck out­ta here. How many times have I asked her to go to God­damn church with me? Every fuckin’ Sun­day, I ask that bitch to go to God­damn church with me. Nev­er! Not once has she come with me, now she wants to ask me, “How was fuckin’ church?”.

–Sepho­ra, 19th & 5th

Over­heard by: yas­sira dig­gs

Mor­mon guy: So last time I was here, I was try­ing to get to Co­lum­bia, and I missed my stop and got off in Harlem. And I looked around and thought, “I can’t be­lieve I’m the on­ly white per­son here!” And sure enough, I was the on­ly white per­son there. I mean, I was wear­ing a tie!

–flight in­to JFK

Woman: Oh boy, you are in trou­ble girl. Je­sus says to come over here right now. Je­sus says come over here now!

–Brook­lyn Mu­se­um

Guy: So I re­al­ly need your ad­vice. My wife was dri­ving on the LIE, and she had a vi­sion from God telling her to sleep with this oth­er guy, so she did. Well, I fi­nal­ly got her to move back in with me, but now she says I’m full of shit and every­thing I say is a lie. I re­al­ly want to work this out with her, you know?

–Penn Sta­tion

God Squad guy: I love all y’all in the name of Je­sus, ’cause I got Je­sus! I’m blessed, you’re stressed. I’m anoint­ed, you’re dis­ap­point­ed!

–4 train

Over­heard by: saltylips

God Squad woman: Here come da Je­sus, fire from his mouth!

–1st Av­enue L sta­tion

Over­heard by: Adam Nathan

Girl: Je­sus there’s like a restau­rant every two feet here.

–46th be­tween 8th & 9th

Man: …come to think about it, my grand­fa­ther was in charge of the marsh­mal­low burn­ing dur­ing Joan of Ar­c’s burn­ing, so I guess it’s in my her­itage!

–45th be­tween 8th & 9th

Over­heard by: Alex Venguer