Archive for 2015

Young Urban Professional Wednesday One-Liners

Yuppie screenwriter girl: So I was a very precocious child. Or whatever, y’know. And I just wanted to explore that dynamic a little bit? Basically it’s a buddy picture between the little me and the big me.

–14th & 8th

Yuppie woman: And what do I say to that? “I have a smack habit, give me money”!

–St. Mark’s Place

Yuppie man: If I hear “breast milk cupcakes” one more time…

–Outside Gotham Bar and Grill

Yuppie, thoughtfully: It’s not the mustard, it’s what the mustard represents!

–Food Emporium, 2nd Ave

So, Problem Solved, Right?

Student #1: Like, oh my god, I don’t know what the fuck to do with my life. Shit. I’m like, having a fucking crisis and tripping out. Like, fuck. I don’t know what the fuck is going on. I, like, don’t have any insight on my life right now.
Student #2: Oh my god! I forgot to tell you — Whoopi Goldberg came into the Apple Store where I work today, and I was trying not to trip out!
Student #1: Oh my god! I love her! I just found her show on the radio the other day!

–Starbucks, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: office peon

Wednesday One-Liners Keep Their Eyes Peeled for Movie Stars

Tourist backpacker with hands on subway doors: Do these open on their own?

–1 Train

Tourist mom to uncool son: Well, that’s what you get for trying to be a hipster!

–Union Square Park

Overheard by: j

Tourist: Holy moly, look at that Olive Garden! It’s huge! I wish I lived here!
(takes a picture of the restaurant)

–Times Square

Obese Midwestern woman to obese Midwestern man: Oooh, Applebee’s… Now I feel at home here!

–Times Square

Southern tourist guy: I thought people in Greenwich Village would look stranger.

–Bleecker Street

Tourist from west coast, after observing the locals for a few innings: You know, Seinfeld makes so much more sense to me now.

–Cheap Seats, Coney Island Cyclones

Overheard by: Kevin Eliasen

Clay was at the Bottom of the Contestants

Queer #1: …Well, he’s going to start his own porn company and he asked me to shoot for it.
Queer #2: So are you going to do it?
Queer #1: Hell, yeah! And I get to go auditions and sit there like Simon Cowell and be like, “You’re hot; you’re gross.”
Queer #2: So when they do auditions do they make them try out and do blowjobs and stuff?
Queer #1: No I just think they make them get naked.

–F train

Overheard by: Joe M. 

The Wheels on the Wednesday One-Liners Go Round and Round

Bus driver: The next stop on this bus is Fifth Avenue. Please have your passports ready!

–M79 bus

Bus driver: This is the Manhattan number one bus. Destination: San Juan, Puerto Rico.

–M1 bus

Bus driver: East Tremont Avenue, transfer to the 40 and 42… Put on those running shoes, there’s the 40 now!

–Fordham-bound Bx22 bus

Overheard by: Black Knight

Bus driver: Okay, now everyone move to the right side of the bus. We’re running on three wheels today, and we have to stay balanced.

–M14 bus

Overheard by: Almost moved to the other side of the bus

Bus driver: To your right you’ll see a bronze statue of Adam Clayton Powell, first black member of Congress… Looks like he’s runnin’ from the cops.

–125th & Adam Clayton Powell Blvd

Overheard by: sueinthecity

Bus driver, about jackhammers outside: Do you hear that, people? That’s the sound of real labor! [Plays the sound of the jackhammers on the intercom] Embrace it!

–Q88 bus

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer to Be Called ‘Caucasian’

Hispanic guy to another, leaving restroom: Man, it smells like white man’s shit in there.

–Trump Tower, 5th Ave

Hobo to hispanic guy on cell: Are there any white people in this town?

–Wyckoff & Troutman, Brooklyn

Overheard by: they’re coming

Woman: But it’s Aryan night…

–116th & Broadway

Hobo playing guitar: I’ve got three kids at home — I’ll take anything. I’ll take food stamps, hair weave, Chinese people’s money, change, food, weed… I’ll even take white people’s money.

–1 train

Overheard by: trooshieb

Black lady: Harlem is up and coming, but it ain’t come up yet. I need to see a few more white people jogging at six a.m. before I sign a lease above 125th.

–7 train