Archive for 2015

Julio, Your Mother and I Have Asked You Repeatedly to Make All Local Stops

Little brother, running up street: Look at me — I’m the 4 train!
Older brother, running next to him: Look at me — I’m the 6 train!
Little brother: Stop running faster than me!
Older brother: Nuh-uh.
Little brother: Dad! Julio didn’t stop at 33rd Street!

–31st St, Astoria

Overheard by: five year old kids can figure this out — why can’t tourists?

There’s an Extra Fee for Her to Actually Look

Guy in stall #1: $700? Fuck that shit…And she won’t even do anything but dance? Not even a–you know?
Guy in stall #2: That’s right. I said, “If you’re not going to touch me, what’s the point?” I want more than a dance. These girls have it too easy.
Guy in stall #1: Fuck her! I can get a hooker in my room for $300 and she’ll stay till I finish.

–Lace men’s room, 7th Avenue

Overheard by: E.C.

Dad Left His “A” Game Somewhere in the Eighties

Girl #1: Okay, so you know how my dad asked me if I wanted to see Counting Crows and Maroon 5 last week?
Girl #2: Yeah, what the hell was he thinking?
Girl #1: I dunno man, but today he asked me if I wanted to see Rush.
Girl #2: Dude, what the fuck?
Girl #1: Well in his defense, he thought they were Journey.

–Pizzeria Uno, South Street Seaport

Oh, You Wanna Feel?

Female cashier about to ring up sandwich order: What do you have?
20-something guy: Subway club.
Female cashier, not looking at sandwich: What size?
20-something guy: Mine’s 12 inches.
Girl behind in line, to friend: Yeah, I bet.

–Subway Restaurant

Overheard by: Nancy

This Way, When It Flushes, He Feels Like He Accomplished Something

Mother to small child in stall (loudly): No, it won’t flush. (shouting) It won’t flush! It’s not like at home. It won’t flush unless you touch it. (shouting) It won’t flush! Stop! It’s not going to flush unless you touch it. (shouting) It won’t flush! Don’t make me make you go in your pants! It won’t flush! They’re not the same.

–Women’s Bathroom, JFK

Let’s Get It On, Wednesday One-liners

Guy on cell: She is worse than blow, man…I can never have sex with anyone else ever again now that I’ve had a taste of paradise.

–Starbucks, 43rd & 3rd

Chick on cell: So how come you never told me about this other girl you are dating? She’s from work? You have to tell me these things! You can’t just keep this shit from me…wait, so you just fucked her and now it’s over? That’s how it is? Why are you telling me this? You can’t just tell me this! 

–Duane Reade, 96th & Broadway

Overheard by: Douglas Dukeman 

Chick on cell: I swear to you, Matt was an animal in bed last night, but Kelly was much better. 

–72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Sophia 

A Gangsta Paradise of Wednesday One-Liners

Thug: Last I heard, he was being charged with some serious shit — accessory to kidnapping, accessory to rape… That’s why you can’t hang out with niggas that’s in love.

–Q19A bus

Overheard by: A White Bear

Thug referencing billboard of The Librarian: Return to King Solomon’s Mines: Yo, that’s an action flick ’bout the Dewey Decimal system!

–49th & Broadway

Overheard by: Nikki W

Thug on cell: Whatchoo mean, it ‘wasn’t a successful relationship’? I stuck it in her butt 14 times! That’s what I call a successful relationship.

–12th St & 4th Ave

Thug teen with sideways ball cap and pants around his knees: It’s like she tryin’ to be fashionable, but it just ain’t workin’, yo!

–34th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: knows better than to wear hats sideways

Young thug to friends: She makes me all romantic… Like, I want to fuck her under the stars and shit.

–Grand & Broadway

Overheard by: Ramona

Thug reading High Times: Shit! I did not just miss my stop again!

–6 train

Overheard by: HelloClairice