Wednesday One-Liners Get Around

Girl on cell: It doesn’t matter how many people I’ve had sex with…If I can remember each of their names, then it isn’t a lot.

–32^nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Tommy

Girl on cell: You had a threesome with the mayor of what?

–144^th & Broadway

Overheard by: McFreaky

NYU boy: Pear applesauce, strawberry applesauce, banana applesauce. God, it’s like the apples did every other fruit in the garden!

–Food Emporium, Union Square

Dude: And after the party, everyone gets innoculated and takes the morning after pill.

–Taj Mahal, 6^th St between 1^st & 2^nd

Overheard by: lish

Woman: The problem is that men are paradoxically both a reason to be celibate and to have large amounts of sex.

–140^th & Broadway

How They Lure You In

Ghetto boy, pointing to fish in tank: When you say twelve cents, do you mean, like, twelve pennies?
Amused pet store worker: Yes, we mean twelve pennies.

–86^th St & Lexington

Overheard by: Pet-co shopper

If You Touch a Little Boy Right, He Becomes Grown

Guy #1: I dont understand why they gotta touch little boys.
Guy #2: Hmmm.
Guy #1: You touch little boys?!
Guy #2: No honey, I just touch grown men.

–Wall Street

Overheard by: Dj Dharma

What’s Comfortable About Being Face to Face With a Stranger?

Professor: So when humans evolved to bipedalism and were walking on two legs instead of four, their sexual practices changed and they began to have face to face sex.
Guy in back of class: Well, I mean… it’s not always face to face.
Professor: Well, it tends to be the most common and most comfortable way for bipeds to have sex.
(long pause)
Professor: I assume by your silence that you disagree.

–Barnard

Overheard by: You had to say that to the Prof???

You Have Chosen Wisely

Lady: Do you sell falafel?
Vendor: Ah! Falafel is gyro, gyro is falafel!
Lady: Falafel is chick peas. Gyro is meat.
Vendor: Falafel is bullshit!
Lady: I’ll have a gyro.

–Canal & Greene

Overheard by: Melina the Sad Falafel

Hey, If You Wanna Blow Smoke Up My Ass, Be My Guest.

20-something girlfriend: Are those cigarettes you smoke?
20-something boyfriend: No, they are herbal.
20-something girlfriend: What do you mean?
20-something boyfriend: Instead of tobacco they put herbs in it, so they are less addicting and less harmful for you.

–Near City Hall Park

Raggedy Ann Got Soaked

Girl #1: How was babysitting yesterday?
Girl #2: Pretty good, but all of a sudden, in the middle of the park, the kid I was watching begins to breastfeed her doll… (silence) I’m not kidding.
Girl #1: Wow, that’s fucked up.

–Barneys Co-Op, Spring St

…I Confess I Don’t Know That Much About European Politics.

Trivia host: Name 5 of the 7 most populated state capital cities in the country.
Participant #1: Does she mean, like, Atlanta?
Participant #2: No, the capital is Athens… Unless they just moved it to Atlanta.
Participant #1: Can they do that!?

–Stone Creek Trivia Night, 27^th St & Lexington

Yaoi, Maybe

Girl #1: Did you know that girl sitting in front of us?
Girl #2: I do know her, but not well enough to discuss child porn.

–Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre

Even a Taurus With a Tiny Penis Would Be Preferable

Ghetto girl #1: Yo, I cannot be with a gemini.
Ghetto girl #2: For real?
Ghetto girl #1: Yeah. I could be friends with a gemini girl, but with a guy… Hell no!

–F Train

Overheard In New York

Archive for 2015