Archive for 2015

How Many Licks Does It Take to Get to the Center of a Wednesday One-Liner?

Chick: How am I supposed to exercise my authority when people are asking me, ‘Do you want to lick it?’?!

–Churrascaria Plataforma

Dude: I used the little bathroom in the back, and there was sauce all over the toilet. I wanted to lick it up.

–DiFara’s Pizzeria

Teen boy: Oh my god, Barrett Foa! He’s so hot… I want him to lick my vagina! Oh, my poor, crusty vagina…

–Stage door of Golden Theatre

Overheard by: Emo Barbie Julia

Hipster boy: I will climb down on those tracks and lick that third rail. I will lick it!

–L train

Overheard by: how many hot dogs?

Punk chick: Why are you so disgusted by licking other people’s eyeballs?

–17th Ave, Brooklyn

Not As Rough As Being Covered in Body Lice

Hobo: Yo, yo, you think you got problems? I’m homeless! I ain’t got no money, I ain’t got no food, I’m hungry! I ain’t got nothin. You think you got problems? Yo, what’s your problem?
Guy: I’m in law school, I have finals.
Hobo: Sorry, that’s rough.

–Bond Street between Schermerhorn & Livingston, Brooklyn

That Would Explain All the Helmets.

Man to woman after hearing a man sing “Amazing Grace”: Maybe it was the all-retarded hour at church.

–Bronx

Overheard by: ClaRity

Headline by: bobofthejungle

Runners-Up:
· “Another Happy Sunday with Simon and Paula.” — again
· “But It Still Beats the All-Amputee Hour at the Strip Club.” — SNA
· “Flowers For AlgerNun” — Paul K.
· “From Midget Masses to Handicapped Hymns, Mega-Churches Pull Out All The Stops” — stacey
· “They’re Down with God” — Rostkowski

Click here to see the new Headline Contest