Archive for 2015

Not “I’ll Fuck You” Good, But Good Nonethe­less

Con­struc­tion work­er #1 to hot girl: Damn ba­by, did it hurt? You know, when you fell from heav­en?
Hot girl: (looks back and rolls her eyes)
Con­struc­tion work­er #2: Your name must be Can­dy ’cause you look so sweet!
Hot girl: (looks back and rolls her eyes again, laugh­ing a lit­tle)
Con­struc­tion work­er #3: Nice shoes, wan­na fuck?
Hot girl (laughs hys­ter­i­cal­ly): That’s got­ta be the best I’ve ever heard!

–65th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Right to the point. Nice.

Haven’t You Pissed Off God Enough Al­ready?

Queer #1: She’s kin­da bummed…Her par­ents split; her dad’s mar­ry­ing an­oth­er man.
Queer #2: Luck­i­ly, that’s not atyp­i­cal.

–El­e­va­tor, 14th Street & 8th Av­enue

Queer #1: I’ve been feel­ing so gross late­ly. I won­der if it’s be­cause I’ve been hav­ing so much ass sex.
Queer #2: Gross like a whore?
Queer #1: No. Like, every time you shit your poop gets rubbed in­to your ass wounds. Maybe it’s mak­ing me sick…What? It’s like rub­bing your pa­per­cuts in Bom­bay sew­er wa­ter.

–Boys­room, Av­enue A

Over­heard by: zac

Queer: I don’t care about my boyfriend like I care about you. I am buy­ing you these things be­cause I love you.

His phone rings.

Queer: Hello?…Aw, I love you, too.

He hangs up.

Queer: That was him.

–Bar­ney’s, Madi­son Av­enue

The Mag­ic of Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Singing bag la­dy: My moth­er is a bitch! She’s a voodoo bitch. She’s a fuck­ing whore. I hope that bitch gets cancer…the worst kind of can­cer. She pre­vents me from get­ting a job with her voodoo.

–Bowl­ing Green sta­tion

Over­heard by: K2 Com­bo

Guy: That’s the last time I date a girl with a cape.

–Bryant Park sta­tion

Girl:…I don’t know why she hates me. She put a curse on me! But my mom took me to her heal­er and now I’m okay. I don’t re­al­ly re­mem­ber much, though.

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Emi­ly Y.

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Know What You Like

Girl on cell: Yeah, ba­by, I’m all alone in my apart­ment on my bed. I’m tak­ing my panties off now. Mmm, I’m touch­ing my­self, think­ing of you. I’m all wet for you, ba­by.

–out­side Star­bucks, 54th & Broad­way

Suit on cell: Yes, I’m wear­ing sus­penders.

–Wall & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Alex­is

At Least He’s Hon­est

Lit­tle girl: Dad­dy, what’s wrong with Chi­nese peo­ple? Why do they nev­er smile?
Dad: It’s be­cause they’re ro­bots.
Lit­tle girl: What about black peo­ple? Are black peo­ple ro­bots?
Dad: No, not that I’m aware of.

–4 train

Over­heard by: Au­drey