Archive for 2015

George Orwell’s Wednesday-One-Liner Farm

Girl to friend: So I got my horse, things got a little escalated… He got his horse…

–The Cloisters

Overheard by: ninja z

Small child on bike: Suck my butt monkey!

–Central Park

Metrosexual on cell: I can only hope the animal noises are promising for my night.

–Stuyvesant Town

Overheard by: Argopelter

African man to African woman: I told you when you came to this country that you can’t touch old people, you can’t touch children, and you can’t touch animals.

–Central Park, near W 63rd St entrance

Overheard by: birdw0rks

Woman to another: He would go one way and the armadillo would go the other way…

–42nd St, outside Bryant Park

Overheard by: MPW

Sad girl to friend: I’d feel better if I just had lemurs to talk to.

–Washington Square Park

Their Snacks Were Taken Away, and They Were Both Given a Time-Out

Young man with wife: Excuse me, miss, do you mind moving over one so we can sit together?
Angry black woman: No, no, no, no. I paid to be here, I can sit wherever I damn well please!
Man overhearing conversation: What is your problem, lady?
Angry black woman: Shut up! I can do whatever I want! I paid to be here!
Young man: I curse you, lady!
Angry black woman: What? You curse me? You can’t curse me! You ain’t god! You ain’t nothin’! Well guess what, I reverse the curse on you, fool!

–Loews Theatre, 42nd St

Who Told You about God?

Mom: So, what kind of animals do you think we will see at the zoo?
Small boy: I think elephants and snakes… Mom? Are there also pretend things there, like dinosaurs and God?
Mom: I think we need to have a talk when we get home.

–N train near Union Square

We Heart This Lady

Foreign lubavitcher offering hanukkah menorahs and candles: Jew? Jew? Jew?
Middle-aged lady in a hurry: No thanks, I’ve already got one.

–82nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Hilarity Ensues

Businessman #1: He should know it’s not a good idea to get ridiculously lit when you’re responsible for babysitting six kids.
Businessman #2: Yeah, I mean, you might have to drive to the hospital.
Businessman #1: Yeah. Especially since you’ve given them all golf clubs.

–Shake Shack, Madison Square Park

Tourists: What the Fuck?!

Old lady with heavy accent, pointing to closed store: What’s that?
Young lady: I’m not sure.
Old lady: Is that a pahwn shop?
Young lady, startled: No, that looks like a pawn shop…
Old lady: That’s what I said — a pahwn shop.
Young lady, relieved: Ohhh, I thought you said ‘porn shop’!
Old lady: No, I said ‘pahwn,’ not ‘pahwn.‘
Young lady: Oh, you say them exactly the same!
Old lady: I do?
Young lady: Yeah! Say ‘aw.‘
Old lady: Ahw.
Young lady: Now say ‘or.‘
Old lady: Ahw.
Young lady: No, it’s orrr. With an R.
Old lady: That’s what I said — ‘ahw.’

–M20 bus, near 34th & 8th

Overheard by: trying not to laugh too hard