Archive for 2015

Who Won? Dis­cuss.

Eight-year-old His­pan­ic boy #1: You look like Jen­nifer Lopez!
Eight-year-old His­pan­ic boy #2: You look like George Lopez!

–Q Train

Over­heard by: Jon A.

Re­al Sun­light Is­n’t Slip­pery Enough

Queer: So, I freaked out ear­li­er this morn­ing. I went to the bath­room to take a piss, whipped it out, and my dick was brown!
Fag hag, hor­ri­fied: Did you not clean your­self good af­ter anal?
Queer: No, no, I al­ways do! But, like, I’m think­ing I have an STD or some­thing! My heart al­most stopped!
Fag hag: So… Do you?
Queer: Well, no. Then I looked at my hand and it was brown, too. Then I re­mem­bered — last night I mas­tur­bat­ed with my sis­ter’s self tan­ner.

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Over­heard by: try­ing to get the men­tal im­age out of my head

Tonight, on a Very Spe­cial Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

El­der­ly man, to him­self: I find Fam­i­ly Guy high­ly stim­u­lat­ing.

–Prospect Park

Over­heard by: Tay­lor

Sil­ly par­ty girl: Jer­sey Shore is more in­for­ma­tive then oth­er shows! I mean, it teach­es you how to dress and how to have great sex!

–Q Train

NYU girl: Yeah, right now I fi­nal­ly have a sol­id tuesday/wednesday/thursday line-up cause Glee is back on!

–Gould Plaza

Over­heard by: Erin

Hip­ster to an­oth­er: MTV is like my grand­fa­ther!

–13th St & 6th

Woman to boyfriend: I can watch all those shows you hate, like Amer­i­ca’s Next Top Grun­dle.

–N Train

Over­heard by: tC

Guy: Oh yeah, she watch­es that shit all right. And not even iron­i­cal­ly!

–Q Train, Brook­lyn

He’s Gay on His Moth­er’s Side

High school girl #1: So he is def­i­nite­ly go­ing to turn out gay.
High school girl #2: Come on. He is not go­ing to be gay. You just think that be­cause he is a nice, well-dressed boy.
High school girl #1: Um, ex­act­ly.
High school girl #2: Well, he is Asian! All the guys in Asia wear make­up!
High school girl #1: Stop talk­ing. He’s on­ly half-Asian. And gay.

–Broad­way

God! The Sense of En­ti­tle­ment These Kids Have

Teacher #1: What do they want me to do with my stu­dents? They ex­pect me to be able to teach them and they are al­ways late or ab­sent.
Teacher #2: Yeah, my stu­dents are al­ways get­ting shot or some­thing and then they want spe­cial treat­ment and a make-up test.
Teacher #1: Yeah, I know what you mean — they must be gang mem­bers.

–86th & Broad­way

Some Seedy Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Col­lege girl to friend: I feel like every­one who does­n’t like may­on­naise had a bad ex­pe­ri­ence with jizz.

–Still­wa­ter Bar

Col­lege girl: My mom told me not to get mar­ried, and then when I’m 30 she’ll buy me sperm so I can have kids. She told me, “you don’t need a man!” But the old fash­ion way is so much more fun than a turkey baster…

–Mu­se­um of Nat­ur­al His­to­ry

Over­heard by: Sam­mi G

Girl to her friend: If Brit­tany was com­posed of three things, it would be jizz, tears, and glit­ter.

–86th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: DAR

Trashy hot girl to friend: What­ev­er! By the end of the night you had what you need­ed to be his baby’s mom­ma run­ning down your chin. Do you think he’ll let you get that close again?

–1 Train