Archive for 2015

If On­ly We Could Do This with All Of Man­hat­tan

Con­duc­tor on crowd­ed rush hour train: The next stop is De­lan­cy Street, and I or­der at least half of you to get off this train at that sta­tion.
(train ar­rives at sta­tion)
Con­duc­tor: Get out!
(train is leav­ing sta­tion)
Con­duc­tor: This is a not-so-crowd­ed f train to Brook­lyn. Stand clear of the clos­ing doors.

–F Train

Over­heard by: Miri

I See Your Chick-Fil‑A and Raise You a Taco Bell

Tod­dler: Mom­my, this bath­room is dirtyyy! Mom­my? What’s the clean­est place in the world?
Moth­er: I don’t know, that’s a good ques­tion.
Tod­dler: Well, I know that the dirt­i­est place ever, ever, ever, ever, ever is Chick-Fil‑A.

–Re­stroom, Lunt-Fontanne The­atre

Over­heard by: Not eat­ing at Chick-Fil‑A any­more

Meet the On­ly Guy in the U.S. Who Liked Nights in Ro­dan­the

Girl­friend to boyfriend walk­ing out of movie the­ater: That was kin­da lame… I to­tal­ly saw that end­ing com­ing.
Boyfriend: I don’t know, I kind of liked it.
Girl­friend, rais­ing voice: What do you mean you liked it?
Boyfriend: It was en­ter­tain­ing.
Girl­friend: Oh, so now you’re gonna tell me that you liked it more than Sher­lock Holmes?
Boyfriend: Ac­tu­al­ly, yeah…
Girl­friend, an­gry and yelling: What the fuck? What is wrong with you? I can’t be­lieve this!

–Out­side Chelsea Clearview Cin­e­ma

Over­heard by: J Wing

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Pot­ty Mouths

Man in stall, strug­gling: Damn you, Taco Bell!

–Bath­room, John Jay Col­lege

Girl on cell in stall: I liked him bet­ter when he was home­less.

–Bath­room, Lern­er Hall, Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Syd­ney

Drunk hip­ster in stall: Don’t get the kiel­basa sand­wich.

–Club War­saw, Williams­burg

Over­heard by: nick­por­jr

Man on cell in stall: Hold on a sec­ond, hon­ey. [Bi­o­log­i­cal sounds] Okay, I’m back. Look, there’s no way to say this oth­er than right out. This week to­geth­er made me think things over. Will you mar­ry me?

–Of­fice bath­room, 44th & Lex

Over­heard by: Tony

Drunk girl in stall, to her­self: Okay, this time let’s try not to pee all over my jeans.

–Ca­bana, Mar­itime Ho­tel

Girl in stall: Ugggh­hh! Fuck… [Pant­i­ng] Fuck!

–Bath­room, Ford­ham Law School

Over­heard by: Se­ri­ous­ly con­cerned

Guy at uri­nal: Oh yeah, son! Yeah, I am dom­i­nat­ing this shit!

–Li­brary Bath­room, Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty

What’re They Pre­scrib­ing for Uter­al Bipo­lar­i­ty These Days?

La­dy #1: That new arm im­plant birth con­trol is so weird.
La­dy #2: What’s so weird about it?
La­dy #1: I don’t know — it just sits there in­side you and does­n’t go away.
La­dy #2: How is that any dif­fer­ent from that IUD thing that sits in your uterus?
La­dy #1: It is dif­fer­ent! Things to up and down in your uterus.

–39th & 6th

High­lights for Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Tod­dler in stroller: Step one, cut a hole in the box… Step two, put your junk in the box! Step three, make her open the box!

–Dress­ing room, Bloom­ing­dale’s

Nine-year-old boy on cell: It’s not that I don’t un­der­stand your vi­sion, I just don’t agree with it.

–Bus stop, 79th & 5th

Over­heard by: Mel­ly Mel

Eight-year-old boy whin­ing: Dad, I’m thirsty! I wan­na go to the liquor store!

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: ad­mir­ing their chil­drea­r­ing prac­tices

Four-year-old boy to nan­ny: I talk to strangers! I talk to strangers! Why are you squeez­ing my hand so hard?!

–60th & Lex

Lit­tle boy, af­ter bump­ing in­to a girl: Sor­ry, my ass is bro­ken.

–City Hall Sub­way Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Miss Ad­ven­ture

Three-year-old girl wait­ing in check-out line: Mom­my, I hate this store! Are we in the sub­urbs?

–Trad­er Joe’s, Union Square

Lit­tle British girl: Mum­my, when I die can I be here?

–Evo­lu­tion, Spring St

Over­heard by: stephanie