Archive for 2015

Does He Fight You for It?

Drunk girl #1: My boyfriend likes to swal­low his ejacu– Ejacu–
Drunk girl #2: It’s ‘ejac­u­late.‘
Drunk girl #1: Is that nor­mal?

–Man­hat­tan-bound L train

Over­heard by: What is nor­mal?

I Cut the Piz­za In­to Six Pieces, Not Eight

Up­per West Side girl #1: Wow! You’ve to­tal­ly lost weight.
Up­per West Side girl #2: I still eat what I want… I just eat few­er meals.
Up­per West Side girl #2: So, what? You eat like one meal a day?
Up­per West Side girl #1: More like one and a half.
Up­per West Side girl #2: Well, you look great!

–ATM, 72nd St & Colum­bus

Do­mo Ari­ga­to, Mr. Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Nine-year-old boy: Some­times I just think I am a ro­bot. I mean, aren’t I a ro­bot?

–E 17th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: def­i­nite­ly hu­man

Tall guy: Yeah, you have to learn not to trust those shifty-eyed ro­bots.

–Union Square

Hip­ster: And, like, he was­n’t even gay… he was just not hu­man.

–88th & Park

Com­ic book guy: No, not Op­ti­mus Prime. But yes, I have had sex­u­al thoughts… about ro­bots.

–40th & 7th

Cute chick: You don’t need a sex ro­bot to have sex with a ro­bot.

–Old Town Bar

Over­heard by: Lieut. Li­plock

Eff­ing Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Chick on cell: The well of his fuck­wad­dery springs eter­nal.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Wild Dog Boy

Co­lum­bia stu­dent: Fuck. Fuck­ing tit­ties! What the fuck? Fuck­ing tit­ties, this is some god­damn bull­shit! I re­al­ly want a snack.

–110th & Broad­way

Guy to girl: Are you se­ri­ous? I’m not fuck­ing creepy, okay? I’m not fuck­ing creepy.

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Over­heard by: NYU girl

Man on bi­cy­cle, yelling at car: Fuck you! Yeah, use your fuck­ing blink­ers, you fuck­stick!

–10th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: He­lene and Al­ice

Guy on cell, in mo­not­o­ne with no paus­es: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I need you, I need you, I need you, bitch. (hangs up)

–M4 Bus

Short Term Mem­o­ry Loss Can Be a Re­al Drag.

Hobo: Ex­cuse me, sweet­ie, can I bum a cig­a­rette?
Fe­male tourist: Eh… I al­ready bummed you one.
Hobo: Oh, you did? When?
Fe­male tourist: About eight min­utes ago.
Hobo: Re­al­ly? (pro­ceeds to take pack from his pock­et, pulls a cig­a­rette and lights up) I must have for­got.

–Spring & Broad­way