Archive for 2015

Does He Fight You for It?

Drunk girl #1: My boyfriend likes to swallow his ejacu– Ejacu–
Drunk girl #2: It’s ‘ejaculate.‘
Drunk girl #1: Is that normal?

–Manhattan-bound L train

Overheard by: What is normal?

Domo Arigato, Mr. Wednesday One-Liner

Nine-year-old boy: Sometimes I just think I am a robot. I mean, aren’t I a robot?

–E 17th & Broadway

Overheard by: definitely human

Tall guy: Yeah, you have to learn not to trust those shifty-eyed robots.

–Union Square

Hipster: And, like, he wasn’t even gay… he was just not human.

–88th & Park

Comic book guy: No, not Optimus Prime. But yes, I have had sexual thoughts… about robots.

–40th & 7th

Cute chick: You don’t need a sex robot to have sex with a robot.

–Old Town Bar

Overheard by: Lieut. Liplock

Effing Wednesday One-Liners

Chick on cell: The well of his fuckwaddery springs eternal.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Columbia student: Fuck. Fucking titties! What the fuck? Fucking titties, this is some goddamn bullshit! I really want a snack.

–110th & Broadway

Guy to girl: Are you serious? I’m not fucking creepy, okay? I’m not fucking creepy.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: NYU girl

Man on bicycle, yelling at car: Fuck you! Yeah, use your fucking blinkers, you fuckstick!

–10th & Broadway

Overheard by: Helene and Alice

Guy on cell, in monotone with no pauses: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I need you, I need you, I need you, bitch. (hangs up)

–M4 Bus

Just outside the Blast Radius of an Impacting Piano

Mysterious liquid falls out of the blue sky and lands on three guys walking together.

Dude #1: What the fuck was that?
Dude #2: It smells like bong water! Dude, that is karma getting back at you, and we’re suffering for it, too.
Dude #3: Yeah, Gabe, from now on you walk 20 paces ahead of us.

–Bleecker

Overheard by: Max

Short Term Memory Loss Can Be a Real Drag.

Hobo: Excuse me, sweetie, can I bum a cigarette?
Female tourist: Eh… I already bummed you one.
Hobo: Oh, you did? When?
Female tourist: About eight minutes ago.
Hobo: Really? (proceeds to take pack from his pocket, pulls a cigarette and lights up) I must have forgot.

–Spring & Broadway