Archive for 2015

Wednesday One-Liners Need a Fluffer

Queer arguing with boyfriend: I’m just saying, I think it’s weird you shaved your balls and bought porn the one night that I was out of town.

–Outside Bergdorf’s, 5th Ave

Creepster on cell: Yeah, I wanted to tell you that I have that girl ready… The one for the video… You can’t hear me? I’m on a bus, not an airplane! It’s not like I have a cigar in my mouth or anything, and you’re telling me you can’t understand what I’m saying… Yes, I have her ready for the video… The girl! … About twenty minutes… Do you have Viagra in your house? Well go get some! You need Viagra so you can be hard for our movie!

–M4 bus

Overheard by: Hoping the 3rd grader next to me wasn’t paying attention

Queer on cell: I saw the most fucked-up porno the other day. This guy took his boot off, then smacked this other guy in the face with it, then came all over the table, and then made the other guy lick it up… Oddly enough, I was turned on by it. So, if you ever want to smack me with your boot, give me a call.

–23rd St & 8th Ave

Man sprinting up subway stairs: Hey, man, where peep shows at?

–33rd St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Brian

20-something chick: He says we’ll all be sleeping in a farm house with a pornographer at her wedding.

–Dallas BBQ, Upper East Side

Overheard by: Nipples

These Wednesday One-Liners Will Self-Destruct in Five Seconds

Southern tourist: … And, like, we all came all the way to the city, and there’s a bomb threat? I mean, we even made reservations!

–78th & Broadway

Guy to chick: Take Albert Einstein, for instance. He was a small guy, and he built the atomic bomb… And he nuked Japan with it.

–116th & Broadway

Overheard by: Chelsea

Mom to child as he fashions a bomb out of clay: Tyler, this is a non-violent birthday party!

–Central Park

Overheard by: Wondering what a violent one is like

Substitute chemistry teacher: Okay, let’s get a little sex appeal in here… Who knows how to make a hydrogen bomb?

–Stuyvesant High

Morally outraged thugette: He mess with the wrooong girl! I will blow this whole train up!

–G train

Overheard by: sarah

Professor: … And in next week’s class — how to build a nuclear bomb!

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Sromeo

It’s Impossible to Know Both the Position and the Velocity of Caesar Dressing

Old woman: I bought this Caesar salad, but I don’t know where to get the dressing. Please, can you tell me where I can get some dressing?
Cute girl: Ummm, I don’t know. I’ve never had a salad here before.
Old woman: But where do you think the dressing could be?
Cute girl: Well, possibly in the refrigerator over there… where they keep the drinks?
Old woman: Are you sure?
Cute girl: Well, that’s my hypothesis, but it hasn’t been tested.

–Le Pain Quotidien, 58th & 7th

That, or Get Snippy About the Decor

Gangsta retail guy: So this party last night was for real, totally got blasted, couldn't even wake up this morning…
Gay retail guy: I'd come to one of your parties, but all you guys do is get wasted.
Gangsta retail guy: Yeah, I'd go to one of your parties too, but all you guys do is fuck each other.

–Target, Bronx

Overheard by: Good Craic

The Writers Switched From Funny to Educational

Tween girl #1: I’m gonna call that number 1-800-DIVORCE. I want to divorce my parents.
Tween boy: You can’t divorce your parents, stupid. Can you marry your parents? No!
Tween girl #1: Technically, technically you can but that’s just sick.
Tween girl #2: You’re not really divorcing your parents. It’s more like they giving up they rights.
Tween girl #1: Look, I call it divorcing your parents because that’s what they called it on The Simpsons so that’s why I say it.

–Q train