Latino middle school boy: Barack Obama’s gay!
Black middle school boy: No he ain’t! He’s black!
–F Train
Overheard by: West Coast Courtney
Archive for 2015
Wednesday One-Liners Need a Fluffer
Queer arguing with boyfriend: I’m just saying, I think it’s weird you shaved your balls and bought porn the one night that I was out of town.
–Outside Bergdorf’s, 5th Ave
Creepster on cell: Yeah, I wanted to tell you that I have that girl ready… The one for the video… You can’t hear me? I’m on a bus, not an airplane! It’s not like I have a cigar in my mouth or anything, and you’re telling me you can’t understand what I’m saying… Yes, I have her ready for the video… The girl! … About twenty minutes… Do you have Viagra in your house? Well go get some! You need Viagra so you can be hard for our movie!
–M4 bus
Overheard by: Hoping the 3rd grader next to me wasn’t paying attention
Queer on cell: I saw the most fucked-up porno the other day. This guy took his boot off, then smacked this other guy in the face with it, then came all over the table, and then made the other guy lick it up… Oddly enough, I was turned on by it. So, if you ever want to smack me with your boot, give me a call.
–23rd St & 8th Ave
Man sprinting up subway stairs: Hey, man, where peep shows at?
–33rd St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Brian
20-something chick: He says we’ll all be sleeping in a farm house with a pornographer at her wedding.
–Dallas BBQ, Upper East Side
Overheard by: Nipples
Bill Cosby Is Spinning in His Grave
Black Kid #1: Yo nigga, how long are we taking this train up? Yo dumb nigga, answer me.
Black Kid #2: Yo what?
Black Kid #1: How long are we taking this train up for?
Black Kid #2: I don’t know.
Black Kid #1: Niggers are dumb anyway.
–F Train
These Wednesday One-Liners Will Self-Destruct in Five Seconds
Southern tourist: … And, like, we all came all the way to the city, and there’s a bomb threat? I mean, we even made reservations!
–78th & Broadway
Guy to chick: Take Albert Einstein, for instance. He was a small guy, and he built the atomic bomb… And he nuked Japan with it.
–116th & Broadway
Overheard by: Chelsea
Mom to child as he fashions a bomb out of clay: Tyler, this is a non-violent birthday party!
–Central Park
Overheard by: Wondering what a violent one is like
Substitute chemistry teacher: Okay, let’s get a little sex appeal in here… Who knows how to make a hydrogen bomb?
–Stuyvesant High
Morally outraged thugette: He mess with the wrooong girl! I will blow this whole train up!
–G train
Overheard by: sarah
Professor: … And in next week’s class — how to build a nuclear bomb!
–Fordham University
Overheard by: Sromeo
Your Editors' Heads Hurt
Redneck couple #1, looking at clocks: Look, honey, Chicago's an hour behind us. Why's that?
Redneck couple #2: That's because they don't celebrate daylight savings time.
–Times Square
There’s Even a Website for It
Teen girl: You know, relationships are a lot like the British government. The queen thinks she’s in charge, but the prime minister has all the power.
Teen boy: I wonder if people in the real world are subjected to this kind of conversation.
–Stuyvesant High School, Chambers Street
Same Thing Happened to Me at a Strip Club. True Story
Pet shop owner: Don't touch the puppies!
Girl: He touched me!
Pet shop owner: He can't read. The sign is there for you.
–Pet Shop
It’s Impossible to Know Both the Position and the Velocity of Caesar Dressing
Old woman: I bought this Caesar salad, but I don’t know where to get the dressing. Please, can you tell me where I can get some dressing?
Cute girl: Ummm, I don’t know. I’ve never had a salad here before.
Old woman: But where do you think the dressing could be?
Cute girl: Well, possibly in the refrigerator over there… where they keep the drinks?
Old woman: Are you sure?
Cute girl: Well, that’s my hypothesis, but it hasn’t been tested.
–Le Pain Quotidien, 58th & 7th
That, or Get Snippy About the Decor
Gangsta retail guy: So this party last night was for real, totally got blasted, couldn't even wake up this morning…
Gay retail guy: I'd come to one of your parties, but all you guys do is get wasted.
Gangsta retail guy: Yeah, I'd go to one of your parties too, but all you guys do is fuck each other.
–Target, Bronx
Overheard by: Good Craic
The Writers Switched From Funny to Educational
Tween girl #1: I’m gonna call that number 1-800-DIVORCE. I want to divorce my parents.
Tween boy: You can’t divorce your parents, stupid. Can you marry your parents? No!
Tween girl #1: Technically, technically you can but that’s just sick.
Tween girl #2: You’re not really divorcing your parents. It’s more like they giving up they rights.
Tween girl #1: Look, I call it divorcing your parents because that’s what they called it on The Simpsons so that’s why I say it.
–Q train