Archive for 2015

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Need a Fluffer

Queer ar­gu­ing with boyfriend: I’m just say­ing, I think it’s weird you shaved your balls and bought porn the one night that I was out of town.

–Out­side Bergdor­f’s, 5th Ave

Creep­ster on cell: Yeah, I want­ed to tell you that I have that girl ready… The one for the video… You can’t hear me? I’m on a bus, not an air­plane! It’s not like I have a cig­ar in my mouth or any­thing, and you’re telling me you can’t un­der­stand what I’m say­ing… Yes, I have her ready for the video… The girl! … About twen­ty min­utes… Do you have Vi­a­gra in your house? Well go get some! You need Vi­a­gra so you can be hard for our movie!

–M4 bus

Over­heard by: Hop­ing the 3rd grad­er next to me was­n’t pay­ing at­ten­tion

Queer on cell: I saw the most fucked-up porno the oth­er day. This guy took his boot off, then smacked this oth­er guy in the face with it, then came all over the ta­ble, and then made the oth­er guy lick it up… Odd­ly enough, I was turned on by it. So, if you ever want to smack me with your boot, give me a call.

–23rd St & 8th Ave

Man sprint­ing up sub­way stairs: Hey, man, where peep shows at?

–33rd St & 8th Ave

Over­heard by: Bri­an

20-some­thing chick: He says we’ll all be sleep­ing in a farm house with a pornog­ra­ph­er at her wed­ding.

–Dal­las BBQ, Up­per East Side

Over­heard by: Nip­ples

These Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Will Self-De­struct in Five Sec­onds

South­ern tourist: … And, like, we all came all the way to the city, and there’s a bomb threat? I mean, we even made reser­va­tions!

–78th & Broad­way

Guy to chick: Take Al­bert Ein­stein, for in­stance. He was a small guy, and he built the atom­ic bomb… And he nuked Japan with it.

–116th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Chelsea

Mom to child as he fash­ions a bomb out of clay: Tyler, this is a non-vi­o­lent birth­day par­ty!

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Won­der­ing what a vi­o­lent one is like

Sub­sti­tute chem­istry teacher: Okay, let’s get a lit­tle sex ap­peal in here… Who knows how to make a hy­dro­gen bomb?

–Stuyvesant High

Moral­ly out­raged thugette: He mess with the wrooong girl! I will blow this whole train up!

–G train

Over­heard by: sarah

Pro­fes­sor: … And in next week’s class — how to build a nu­clear bomb!

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Sromeo

There’s Even a Web­site for It

Teen girl: You know, re­la­tion­ships are a lot like the British gov­ern­ment. The queen thinks she’s in charge, but the prime min­is­ter has all the pow­er.
Teen boy: I won­der if peo­ple in the re­al world are sub­ject­ed to this kind of con­ver­sa­tion.

–Stuyvesant High School, Cham­bers Street

It’s Im­pos­si­ble to Know Both the Po­si­tion and the Ve­loc­i­ty of Cae­sar Dress­ing

Old woman: I bought this Cae­sar sal­ad, but I don’t know where to get the dress­ing. Please, can you tell me where I can get some dress­ing?
Cute girl: Um­mm, I don’t know. I’ve nev­er had a sal­ad here be­fore.
Old woman: But where do you think the dress­ing could be?
Cute girl: Well, pos­si­bly in the re­frig­er­a­tor over there… where they keep the drinks?
Old woman: Are you sure?
Cute girl: Well, that’s my hy­poth­e­sis, but it has­n’t been test­ed.

–Le Pain Quo­ti­di­en, 58th & 7th

That, or Get Snip­py About the Decor

Gangs­ta re­tail guy: So this par­ty last night was for re­al, to­tal­ly got blast­ed, could­n’t even wake up this morn­ing…
Gay re­tail guy: I’d come to one of your par­ties, but all you guys do is get wast­ed.
Gangs­ta re­tail guy: Yeah, I’d go to one of your par­ties too, but all you guys do is fuck each oth­er.

–Tar­get, Bronx

Over­heard by: Good Cra­ic

The Writ­ers Switched From Fun­ny to Ed­u­ca­tion­al

Tween girl #1: I’m gonna call that num­ber 1–800-DIVORCE. I want to di­vorce my par­ents.
Tween boy: You can’t di­vorce your par­ents, stu­pid. Can you mar­ry your par­ents? No!
Tween girl #1: Tech­ni­cal­ly, tech­ni­cal­ly you can but that’s just sick.
Tween girl #2: You’re not re­al­ly di­vorc­ing your par­ents. It’s more like they giv­ing up they rights.
Tween girl #1: Look, I call it di­vorc­ing your par­ents be­cause that’s what they called it on The Simp­sons so that’s why I say it.

–Q train