Archive for 2015

Ad: “Now With Un­lim­it­ed Noise and Odors!”

Young boy: Grand­ma, let’s go, this is our stop!
Grand­ma: Is it?
Moth­er: Yes, we’re al­most there.
Young boy: Is this the lim­it­ed bus?
Moth­er: No, this is the un­lim­it­ed bus.

–Lo­cal Queens Bus

A Bronx Tail

Teen girl #1, look­ing at sub­way ad: Yo, that shit be fol­low­ing me every­where!
Teen girl #2: The gi­raffe…?
Teen girl #1: That shit fol­lows me every­where.
Teen girl #2: That’s be­cause it’s sum­mer­time.
Teen girl #1: Who wants to go to the Bronx Zoo?!

–A train

Over­heard by: some­one who wants to go to the Bronx Zoo
Head­line by: Emi­ly

Run­ners-Up:
· “And you thought the GUYS there were creepy…” — Em
· “Ap­par­ent­ly, when na­ture calls, she hangs up the phone” — Elis­a­beth
· “Bet­ter Than Cats!” — Christin
· “Bet­ter that than the old guy touch­ing him­self in the cor­ner” — Dan
· “I thought the sub­way al­ways smelled like that” — Justin L
· “It’s all part of their plan” — Rich
· “It’s bet­ter than be­ing stalked by the guy in ‘Bod­ies’ ” — Neill
· “Re­hab’s a Bitch” — Play­tah
· “Smarter than the av­er­age bear — but on­ly slight­ly” — C J
· “Some­where an Ad­ver­tis­ing Ex­ec­u­tive Just Wet His Pants” — jay
· “Sub­lim­i­nal Text Mes­sag­ing” — Jill
· “The one place it won’t fol­low me!” — jnice
· “The pink ele­phants had the day off” — Roy
· “The zoo al­ways has the best shit.” — Adam
· “They are SO vot­ed off the Ark” — Emi­ly

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

The Best Things in Life Are Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Woman on cell: Why aren’t you look­ing for some boy to do it for free?

–E 3rd & 1st Ave

Over­weight MTA work­er with mega­phone: Free shut­tle bus­es to Uti­ca Ave. Fol­low the crowd. Free shut­tle bus­es to Uti­ca Ave. Fol­low the crowd. No shirt, no shoes: no ser­vice!

–Franklin Ave Sub­way

Over­heard by: Je­sus Jon

Home­less guy: Free boogers! Get your free boogers!

–8th & 6th

Over­heard by: Za­ck

Old woman with glass of wine and full plate, stum­bling out on­to the side­walk: Ha! It’s free! Every­one, free food! Ha!

–Open House Art Ex­hi­bi­tion, 106th St & Broad­way

Guy giv­ing out free pens: Come on, don’t be shy! Come get your free pens! This is New York City, on­ly thing you’re gonna get for free are these pens and your moth­er’s love.

–Kim­mel, NYU

Wan­na-be thug eat­ing ice cream: Wan­na know how much I paid for this? S’free! I stole it.

–125th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: EthanK

Hobo stopped for steal­ing a box of bot­tled wa­ter: But Oba­ma’s Pres­i­dent! Every­thing should be moth­er­fuck­ing free for the next 279 years!

–Du­ane Reade

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Itch­ing and Flak­ing

Pink-haired woman: Have you no­ticed how all the celebs are to­tal­ly dy­ing their hair? It just looks so damn fake! I just want to walk up to them and say, ‘Your hair looks like a chem lab ex­plod­ed on it!’ And then I would, like, get an au­to­graph.

–Broad­way

Hobo: Look, this ain’t my hair! I am part of the Home­land Se­cu­ri­ty, and the alert col­or to­day is or­ange for ‘High alert.’ Now, how can you be both high and alert? That’s why this coun­try is so fucked up! Have a nice day!

–L train, 6th Ave

Over­heard by: pchace

Ghet­to woman: Now, where did my son get to? I’m done payin’ and he still run­nin’ around… I got­ta go fix my hair — it looks like I just killed some­one.

–Gro­cery store

Old man: I don’t like ug­ly, fuck­ing-hairy women. I just don’t — it’s a mat­ter of taste! Good groom­ing — it’s the key to suc­cess, ba­by! Ug­ly, hairy women… They’re every­where!

–Con­necti­cut Muf­fin, Prospect Park stop, F train

Over­heard by: Sarah McLel­lan

Guy: Keep the mon­ey com­ing, peo­ple! I got three kids at home, and they all want Tim­ber­lands! I ac­cept ba­by food, hair weaves… I even take weed, if you got it!

–2 train

Over­heard by: jil

Guy on cell: If you want a shit­ty hair­cut, you come to me!

–Smith & 9th St sta­tion

Over­heard by: Matthew Sahd Mo­hammed

Wednes­day Six-Feet-Un­der Lin­ers

Stringy-haired girl to dad: You know, if I die on the streets no one would know where I live. That’s why I need a learn­er’s per­mit!

–W. Broad­way & Reade St.

Raspy-voiced la­dy to friends: If he lives, it’s “at­tempt­ed mur­der”, if he dies it’s “mur­der.”

–Bush­wick

Over­heard by: Chris K.

Guy on cell: It was­n’t the fall that killed him, it was that sud­den stop.

–6th Ave & 10th St

Over­heard by: laughin­ga­cad­e­my

Ag­i­tat­ed sev­en-year-old girl to her­self: You know what else is good for your body? Not get­ting killed!

–Sun­set Park

Con­duc­tor: Peo­ple, let these pas­sen­gers out. Peo­ple, step aside! These pas­sen­gers have been stuck un­der­ground for 30 min­utes, and they will kill you. I re­peat, they will kill you.

–4 Train