Archive for 2015

Love is Strange, Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Guy on cell: …and she says, “If you cheat on me, you’ll die, and go to hell and burn.” So I say, “There’s no way I’m go­ing to hell for a bitch. Cause there’s too many of them!”

–Lafayette & Ful­ton, Brook­lyn

Con­struc­tion work­er: Yeah man, I just raw dogged her and ditched!

–Grand & Lud­low

Man on cell: How’s the birthday?…Yeah, big 5–0 for me.…Well, I ditched the wife, make more mon­ey, and have a 33 year old girl­friend. That’s 50 for ya.

–N train

Over­heard by: Doug Gae­ta

Guy: Is that her panties or his sock he’s sniff­ing?

–Mary Boone Gallery, W. 24th Street

Over­heard by: Cap­tive 411

Bike girl on cell: Hey, this is Tam­my. Yet again you were in my dream. It in­volved fuck­ing. Call me back.

–Prospect Park

Hip­ster: Noth­ing says “I love you” like a cac­tus.

–52nd & 9th

Over­heard by: kath williams

Some­times, Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Tough to Swal­low

Girl on cell: Five hours lat­er, I was still pulling cum out of my hair!

–13th St

Over­heard by: ques­tion­ing the physics

Drunk girl to drunk guy: I would love to be 5′8″, I mean…it’s like not tall…but like not short. (four min­utes lat­er, scream­ing) Yeah…like…too much thought is like…bad for you! (lat­er) They should’ve jerked you off in your sock!

–84th & Am­s­ter­dam Ave

One of four mid­dle aged men on a bench: Well, the key is to nev­er swal­low the cum, spit the cum out.

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Dan

High voiced hobo to teenag­er: I want you to cum on my face.

–72nd St & Broad­way

20-some­thing girl on cell: Oh, you can’t car­ry the mi­cro­scope with you? Well, if you come here we’ll have to for­go the sperm. If I come to vis­it you, then we can work it in­to the sched­ule.

–Ess-A-Bagel

Over­heard by: Em­ma

NYU dude: How do you get cock-blocked while you’re jizzing?!

–St. Mark’s Place & 2nd Ave

Over­heard by: IWas­Won­der­ingTh­at­Too

Stu­dent, slam­ming re­pro­duc­tive bi­ol­o­gy book shut: Sperm! It’s every­where!

–Bob­st Li­brary

Over­heard by: ttny

It’s At Least 33% Dif­fer­ent

Woman: The bar­gain discount…what is that?
Cashier guy: It is 25% off.
Woman: 25% of what?
Cashier guy: 25% off of the price on the book.
Woman: So it is 25% off of the sale price.
Cashier guy: It’s 25% off of the price list­ed on the back of the book.
Woman: So what is the sale?
Cashier guy: It’s 25% off the re­tail price.
Woman: So how is that a bar­gain?
Cashier guy: You save 25%.
Woman: That’s not a bargain!…The world has changed…

–Barnes & No­ble, 17th & 5th

Over­heard by: Tom T