Jock: So, maybe you and I could… have coffee or lunch some time?
Religious chick: Sorry, I only date guys who are saved.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: cindy hawkins
Archive for 2015
…I Think
Irish girl tourist: You’re way too drunk. I’m not into that.
Guido: Baby, the more I drink, the more I think.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Nikole K
Dr. Ruth Was a Challenge to Raise
Little girl, peeking under shower curtain: Hi!
Lady in shower: Hi!
Little girl, pulling back shower curtain: Hiiii! Wow! Mom! Come here! You need to see this!
–Dodge YMCA Locker Room, Brooklyn
Those Bed Bugs Were the Only Ones Who Really Understood Me
Mother: … And I cleaned your pillow cases…
Screaming child: No!
Mother: … And your blankets…
Screaming child: No!
Mother: … And your sheets!
Screaming child: No! No! No! [Cries.]
–Astoria
Overheard by: Almost too cold to laugh
Love is Strange, Wednesday One-liners
Guy on cell: …and she says, “If you cheat on me, you’ll die, and go to hell and burn.” So I say, “There’s no way I’m going to hell for a bitch. Cause there’s too many of them!”
–Lafayette & Fulton, Brooklyn
Construction worker: Yeah man, I just raw dogged her and ditched!
–Grand & Ludlow
Man on cell: How’s the birthday?…Yeah, big 5–0 for me.…Well, I ditched the wife, make more money, and have a 33 year old girlfriend. That’s 50 for ya.
–N train
Overheard by: Doug Gaeta
Guy: Is that her panties or his sock he’s sniffing?
–Mary Boone Gallery, W. 24th Street
Overheard by: Captive 411
Bike girl on cell: Hey, this is Tammy. Yet again you were in my dream. It involved fucking. Call me back.
–Prospect Park
Hipster: Nothing says “I love you” like a cactus.
–52nd & 9th
Overheard by: kath williams
The Truth Is Too Boring to Tell
Lady in SUV shouting out window: What’s everyone standing in line for?
Hipster guy in line: Free Kittens!
Lady in SUV: What?
Hipster guy: Rolling Stones!
Lady in SUV: Oh.
–Art exhibition, Spring St
Overheard by: namatovu
Sometimes, Wednesday One-Liners Are Tough to Swallow
Girl on cell: Five hours later, I was still pulling cum out of my hair!
–13th St
Overheard by: questioning the physics
Drunk girl to drunk guy: I would love to be 5′8″, I mean…it’s like not tall…but like not short. (four minutes later, screaming) Yeah…like…too much thought is like…bad for you! (later) They should’ve jerked you off in your sock!
–84th & Amsterdam Ave
One of four middle aged men on a bench: Well, the key is to never swallow the cum, spit the cum out.
–Central Park
Overheard by: Dan
High voiced hobo to teenager: I want you to cum on my face.
–72nd St & Broadway
20-something girl on cell: Oh, you can’t carry the microscope with you? Well, if you come here we’ll have to forgo the sperm. If I come to visit you, then we can work it into the schedule.
–Ess-A-Bagel
Overheard by: Emma
NYU dude: How do you get cock-blocked while you’re jizzing?!
–St. Mark’s Place & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: IWasWonderingThatToo
Student, slamming reproductive biology book shut: Sperm! It’s everywhere!
–Bobst Library
Overheard by: ttny
You Can’t Stamp It Out by Stamping Your Little Foot
Guy #1: Why are there so many homosexual Republicans? You hear about that eBay thing?
Guy #2: Ummm… No.
Guy #1: Yeah, that Mark Foley guy put his massage table up for bid, so I sent a message asking, ‘If I win, will I catch the gay?‘
Guy #2: Well, did he respond?
Guy #1: He said yeah!
–Bathroom, Vig 27
It’s At Least 33% Different
Woman: The bargain discount…what is that?
Cashier guy: It is 25% off.
Woman: 25% of what?
Cashier guy: 25% off of the price on the book.
Woman: So it is 25% off of the sale price.
Cashier guy: It’s 25% off of the price listed on the back of the book.
Woman: So what is the sale?
Cashier guy: It’s 25% off the retail price.
Woman: So how is that a bargain?
Cashier guy: You save 25%.
Woman: That’s not a bargain!…The world has changed…
–Barnes & Noble, 17th & 5th
Overheard by: Tom T
Recipe: 9 Months for a Gay Baby, 8 Months for a Thug
Gay thug #1: I wasn’t hitting on you, I was still with my ex-boyfriend then.
Gay thug #2: Then? Nigga, I wasn’t even gay eight months ago.
–Wendy’s, W. 3rd Street
Overheard by: Lizzy Vegas
