Archive for 2015

Con­verse­ly, “Right Away, Sir” Means “I’m Gonna Pee in Your Soup”

New Wait­er: So I learned a se­cret tonight. The words “Cheers” and “Bril­liant” ap­par­ent­ly mean “I’m go­ing to leave you a bad tip”.
Old Wait­er: You’re just now learn­ing that? That’s Day One shit.

–Cap­i­tal Grille, Mid­town

Over­heard by: Greg Rut­ter

…But I Have This Ma­chete Just in Case.

(cop has po­lice tape pulled across in­ter­sec­tion to pre­vent pedes­tri­ans from walk­ing while traf­fic is mov­ing)
Ten-year-old kid, wear­ing gray sweat­shirt and blue base­ball cap: Why are you do­ing that?
Cop: We got a call about some­one wear­ing a gray sweat­shirt and blue base­ball cap prowl­ing the streets, so this is to keep you safe. Do you feel safe, kid?
Kid, look­ing ter­ri­fied: Yeah?

–5th Ave & 47th St

Some Pot­ty Hu­mor, Cour­tesy of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

La­dy suit: Do you think any­one would no­tice if I just popped a squat and uri­nat­ed every­where?

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

12-year-old girl: And then… He, like… peed in my mouth. It was kin­da gross.

–Ed­die’s Sweet Shop

Over­heard by: Yorick

Man pee­ing on the street: Watch the stream, watch the stream!

–W 4th St & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: Maya G.

Black guy to cowork­er: What about that gold­en show­er I had the oth­er night?

–NYU We­in­stein Din­ing Hall

Mid­dle-aged con­ven­tion fe­male at­tendee: I did­n’t know that uri­nals flushed. Did you know uri­nals flushed? Who would have thought?

–Jav­its Con­ven­tion Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Hec­tor

Drunk man to em­bar­rassed friend: Did I tell you about the time I peed on a bum? For re­al, I did! I was just tak­ing a leak and looked down like: “Oh shit, is that a per­son?” He looked up on me and said: “Hey, you just peed on me!” And I did! I peed on him! Then I put my­self in his shoes like: “What if some­one peed on me?” I’d be pissed! That’s some fucked up shit, man. So I gave him ten bucks.

–A Train

On­ly One of Us Can Wear the Pants in This Re­la­tion­ship

Bar­tender: This is so weird, but you just can’t tell any­one. I don’t know what to do about Fred*. I had a few peo­ple over on Fri­day, and when every­one left my pants were miss­ing. So I had every­one over again on Sun­day, and I left the draw­er with my pants closed. He goes to the bath­room and comes back with a huge bulge in his trousers, and my draw­er is open and I am miss­ing a pair of pants.
Wait­ress: So what are you gonna do?
Bar­tender: From now on I on­ly buy skirts.

–Na­tion, 45th & 5th

Over­heard by: Bare­ly swal­lowed my drink