Archive for 2015

In Span­ish, This Is a Two-Hour Con­ver­sa­tion

(in Span­ish)
His­pan­ic woman #1: Girl, I could­n’t pee all day. I just peed be­fore we left the of­fice, that’s it.
His­pan­ic woman #2: You got­ta go to the doc­tor for that, you know. Could be bad.
His­pan­ic woman #3: I peed so much to­day… I just could­n’t stop! It just went on and on for so long. I peed so much I felt some­thing break, you know?
His­pan­ic woman #1: Girl!

–39th & 8th

Do Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Mea­sure Up?

East­ern Eu­ro­pean in velour jump­suit, ap­proach­ing guy on street: Sup, cuz. Hey, re­mem­ber to give it to Ricky tonight for that thing to­mor­row. It’s a good size. Al­right, see you lat­er.

–89th & 3rd

Over­heard by: Ben A

Girl to friends: And then she was like, “yeah, let me look at you with my weird­ly over­sized eye­balls.”

–Court St., Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: iwn2000

Fe­male suit on phone: We need to get them! (pause) No! They’re too big! They won’t fit in the hole!


Guy: Mas­culin­i­ty is de­ter­mined by the size of your (slight pause) army…

–Mil­len­ni­um High School

Lit­tle girl, car­ry­ing tiny stick: Look! I have the biggest stick in the world!

–Cen­tral Park

The Wednes­day One-Lin­er That Nev­er Sleeps

20-some­thing girl to friend: I’m sor­ry, but what is the big fuck­ing deal with eat­ing on the side­walk? Back court­yard? Sure. Rooftop? Fuck, yeah! But the fuck­ing side­walk? Home­less peo­ple up in my face. Loud trucks up in my ears. Car­cino­gens up in my lungs. I mean… re­al­ly? New York­ers are all fucked up.

–2nd Ave b/w 6th & 7th

Over­heard by: Dodd Loomis

Ditzy blond tourist: New York is the most for­eign place in Amer­i­ca I’ve ever been to!

–F Train

Over­heard by: Chelsea S.

In­di­an guy on phone: I don’t wan­na be like the Ben­gali fob! I’m gonna show up and be like the orig­i­nal New York gangs­ta!

–B61 Bus

Bar cus­tomer to ta­ble next to him: I need to vis­it New York, every­one that vis­its is al­ways hap­py. Every­one that lives here in New York is al­ways mis­er­able.

–Cham­bers St

Lit­tle boy, with great ex­cite­ment: I just tripped in New York City!

–Times Square

A Brush with Great­ness

Teenage boy #1: So I heard you touched Squish’s boob…
Teenage boy #2: Not on pur­pose.
Teenage boy #1: Whoa, there!
Teenage boy #2: I tripped over my foot and my hand just hap­pened to be there. It was more like a boob to hand high five.
Teenage boy #1: Way to go, man!

–72nd St & 2nd Ave

Wednes­days Brush Af­ter Every One-Lin­er

Big, Ital­ian guy on cell: Braces? (pause) Why do you want braces? (pause) You don’t just get them ’cause you want them!

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: I hat­ed braces

30-some­thing woman to friend: I start­ed get­ting cav­i­ties af­ter I start­ed mak­ing out with boys.


Over­heard by: An­gela

Drunk guy: I was­n’t hav­ing a heart at­tack, I was at the den­tist!

–M60 Bus

Hap­py tall man on cell: Al­right, nig­ga, brush your teef and all that, I wan­na get high!

–111th & Lenox Ave