Archive for 2015

The Wednes­day One-Lin­er Will See You Now

Hobo: Now no­body ever heard of a per­son, an­i­mal, fish, or even an in­sect die from dope. Here’s a piece of advice–you find a doc­tor who pre­scribes you mar­i­jua­na and that’s the doc­tor you keep for the rest of your life.

–4 Train

Over­heard by: Con­fused Girl

Suit on cell: Just be­cause he is a doc­tor and she is his pa­tient, does­n’t mean he can be ar­rest­ed for sex­u­al ha­rass­ment.

–For­est Hills

Over­heard by: A.J. F.

Child who just got hit on the head by a wif­fle­ball bat: Oww! I need a CAT scan! I need a CAT scan!

–Cen­tral Park

Sloven­ly dude: “Med­ical en­vi­ron­ment,” my ass! Anus is anus!

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Over­heard by: La­dle

Thanks for the Gift, Bitch

Teen girl #1: So, my friend’s dad died. I feel like I should send her some­thing — y’­know, just to make her feel bet­ter. On­ly I don’t know her so well, so I’m not sure what to get her. Choco­late, maybe?
Teen girl #2: I dun­no. Choco­late does­n’t sound like such a good idea. When peo­ple are de­pressed they buy choco­late and eat way too much of it and get re­al­ly fat.
Teen girl #1: Um­mm, I don’t think that’s re­al­ly true.
Teen girl #2: … I can at­test to it.

–Metro-North

Over­heard by: sug­ar­n­spice

What a Dump

Men #1 & #2: What is that?!
Man #3: Yep, yep, that’s me! Sor­ry, sor­ry! It’s me. I just don’t un­der­stand it — I’ve nev­er shit my pants in my en­tire life!
Man #4: That’s dis­gust­ing!
Man #3: Sor­ry, sor­ry.
El­e­va­tor op­er­a­tor: Wel­come to New York City.

–El­e­va­tor at W Ho­tel, Union Square

You Can’t Say “Don’t Let the Cum Fes­ter” to Just Any­body

NYU boy: The doc­tor at NYU was so chill about it — he treat­ed me the first time three years ago. He’s the one who told me how you have to spit or swal­low, but don’t let the cum fes­ter in your mouth. And that one should­n’t brush their teeth an hour be­fore or af­ter oral, ’cause it opens up the gums and stuff.
NYU girl: [Blank stare.]NYU boy: Gay sex is, like, his spe­cial­ty.
NYU girl, af­ter long pause: I don’t think we should be friends any­more.

–W 4th St

Over­heard by: wish I had a spe­cial­ty