Non-Ivy-Leaguer: So where do you go to school?
Ivy-Leaguer: Princeton.
Non-Ivy-Leaguer: California? That’s awesome.
–5th Ave between 26th & 27th
Overheard by: Shocked Onlooker
Archive for 2015
And in the Face, Too
Girl #1 (about girl #2's ex): But would you shoot him?
Girl #2: Yeah. Wellll… Maybe not in the face. I mean, I don't know if I would have the heart to, like, shoot him. At least not in the face. But I would stab him. Definitely I would stab him. No questions asked.
–N Train
Overheard by: Thea Colton
Isn't It Great That We Can Talk Like This?
Black MTA employee guy: My brother is the conductor on this train.
Hispanic MTA employee woman: Is that right? What's his name?
Black MTA employee guy: I don't know.
Hispanic MTA employee woman: You don't know his name? And he's your brother?
Black MTA employee guy: He's a brother from another mother. You know, kinda light-skinned, with freckles.
Hispanic MTA employee woman: Oh, I know that guy. He hangs out with what's-his-name.
Black MTA employee guy: Yeah, right.
–1 Train
Overheard by: Stephanie Luke
If The Facts Of Life Were Set Today, in New York
Overweight Asian lady: Excuse me, miss, I'm holding the pole, do you mind?
Black lady: I'm sorry, but there's nowhere I can move to.
Asian lady: Well, can you just please not lean on it? You're squashing my hand.
Black lady (looking at Asian lady in amazement at her audacity): What time is it?
Asian lady: I could tell you, if you would stop leaning on my hand.
Black lady: It's rush hour! If you're not ready for this go back to suburbia, bitch! This is what happens on an overcrowded train in New York City. Look at this bitch next to me, she barely fits in the door, and she's not complaining. You know why? Cause she accepts it. Cause it's a fact of life! And you takin' up the whole middle isle…shame on you…lose some weight…go back to suburbia. There's plenty of room there.
–L Train
Overheard by: that's right, rush hour is tight
Wednesday One-Liners Need Spell Check
#20, just past quittin' time, venting to a friend:
She want a fyi? I got a fyi. I'ma cc her ass!
–21st and 7th
In new york there are only 25 letters in the alphabet. … You remove the letter "r".
–Port Authority loud homeless woman
Overheard by: Eally? Is it tue?
"fog… You know fag except o instead of a"
–71st Continental Ave and Queens Blvd
Overheard by: Hungry Runner
Mother to kid at a parent teacher conference: "son, when the teacher tells you to be quiet, you shut your mouth! S-h-o-u-t! Shut!"
–High School in the Bronx
Overheard by: Faith
And We Don't Even Have Cars There
Black hipster girl being given directions: Huh? Crosswalk? What is a “crosswalk”?
Shop girl: Honey, I'm from Ohio and I know what a crosswalk is!
–Vintage Store, West Broadway
Overheard by: Murray
In Other Parts of the Country, the Vendor Might Say, “I’m Sorry, Sir, but I Have No Camel Lights Today”
Black guy: Cold water! Cold water! One dollar. One dollar! Newports — five dollars! Get the special: Newports and ice-cold water! Six dollars! Six dollars!
White guy: Do you have Camel Lights?
Black guy: Get the fuck out of here!
White guy: Well, then just a bottle of water, please.
–Broadway & Gates, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Peter
After You’re Weaned, You’re on Your Own
Little boy: Mommy, I’m thirsty.
Mother: How is that my problem?
–5th Ave & 6th St, Park Slope
Overheard by: ecp
Eat This– It'll Be Hanukah in Your Mouth!
Little boy: When will it be Hanukkah?
Dad: Not for a while.
Little boy: But I'm begging you for Hanukkah.
Dad: You got some time until it's Hanukkah, buddy.
Little boy: Now you'll never get me a present!
Dad: (begins to leave with the little boy)
Little boy: I am not moving until it's Hanukkah!
–Bagel Shop, The Village
Overheard by: wilpon
I Guess I Should Get Back to the Wheel, Then
Conductor: Does this train stop in Jamaica?
Passenger: Uh, yes.
Conductor: Oh. Good.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Pasty