Archive for 2015

Is­n’t It Great That We Can Talk Like This?

Black MTA em­ploy­ee guy: My broth­er is the con­duc­tor on this train.
His­pan­ic MTA em­ploy­ee woman: Is that right? What’s his name?
Black MTA em­ploy­ee guy: I don’t know.
His­pan­ic MTA em­ploy­ee woman: You don’t know his name? And he’s your broth­er?
Black MTA em­ploy­ee guy: He’s a broth­er from an­oth­er moth­er. You know, kin­da light-skinned, with freck­les.
His­pan­ic MTA em­ploy­ee woman: Oh, I know that guy. He hangs out with what’s-his-name.
Black MTA em­ploy­ee guy: Yeah, right.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Stephanie Luke

If The Facts Of Life Were Set To­day, in New York

Over­weight Asian la­dy: Ex­cuse me, miss, I’m hold­ing the pole, do you mind?
Black la­dy: I’m sor­ry, but there’s nowhere I can move to.
Asian la­dy: Well, can you just please not lean on it? You’re squash­ing my hand.
Black la­dy (look­ing at Asian la­dy in amaze­ment at her au­dac­i­ty): What time is it?
Asian la­dy: I could tell you, if you would stop lean­ing on my hand.
Black la­dy: It’s rush hour! If you’re not ready for this go back to sub­ur­bia, bitch! This is what hap­pens on an over­crowd­ed train in New York City. Look at this bitch next to me, she bare­ly fits in the door, and she’s not com­plain­ing. You know why? Cause she ac­cepts it. Cause it’s a fact of life! And you takin’ up the whole mid­dle isle…shame on you…lose some weight…go back to sub­ur­bia. There’s plen­ty of room there.

–L Train

Over­heard by: that’s right, rush hour is tight

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Need Spell Check

#20, just past quit­tin’ time, vent­ing to a friend:
She want a fyi? I got a fyi. I’­ma cc her ass!

–21st and 7th

In new york there are on­ly 25 let­ters in the al­pha­bet. … You re­move the let­ter “r”.

–Port Au­thor­i­ty loud home­less woman

Over­heard by: Eal­ly? Is it tue?

“fog… You know fag ex­cept o in­stead of a”

–71st Con­ti­nen­tal Ave and Queens Blvd

Over­heard by: Hun­gry Run­ner

Moth­er to kid at a par­ent teacher con­fer­ence: “son, when the teacher tells you to be qui­et, you shut your mouth! S‑h-o-u‑t! Shut!”

–High School in the Bronx

Over­heard by: Faith

In Oth­er Parts of the Coun­try, the Ven­dor Might Say, “I’m Sor­ry, Sir, but I Have No Camel Lights To­day”

Black guy: Cold wa­ter! Cold wa­ter! One dol­lar. One dol­lar! New­ports — five dol­lars! Get the spe­cial: New­ports and ice-cold wa­ter! Six dol­lars! Six dol­lars!
White guy: Do you have Camel Lights?
Black guy: Get the fuck out of here!
White guy: Well, then just a bot­tle of wa­ter, please.

–Broad­way & Gates, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Pe­ter

Eat This– It’ll Be Hanukah in Your Mouth!

Lit­tle boy: When will it be Hanukkah?
Dad: Not for a while.
Lit­tle boy: But I’m beg­ging you for Hanukkah.
Dad: You got some time un­til it’s Hanukkah, bud­dy.
Lit­tle boy: Now you’ll nev­er get me a present!
Dad: (be­gins to leave with the lit­tle boy)
Lit­tle boy: I am not mov­ing un­til it’s Hanukkah!

–Bagel Shop, The Vil­lage

Over­heard by: wilpon