Archive for 2015

New­ly-Sin­gle Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Blonde on cell: I’m sor­ry, you don’t get to have two di­vorces and then dump my to­tal­ly awe­some friend, twice. And still have me think you’re a good guy. (pause) Oh, and be forty years old.

–56th St & 2nd Ave

Over­heard by: Vanes­sa

Man on cell: I’ll feel bet­ter once I move out of that place. She can keep it, I don’t even care. That shit is a haunt­ed place.

–Fred­er­ick Dou­glass Hous­es

Drunk guy: Every time I would break up with her she would be like “I’m go­ing to kill my­self.” Even­tu­al­ly I was just like “Prove it!”

–Bull­dog Bar

Woman on cell: You can di­vorce me any­time you want; you’re the one pay­ing for it.

–Fi­nan­cial Dis­trict

Oh, Like You’ve Nev­er Act­ed Crazy Af­ter Hit­ting a J?

Crazy man with or­ange ban­dana tucked un­der base­ball cap: Hoooly shit! (pause) Holy shit! Does this train run ex­press?
New York­er next to him: No, I don’t think so.
Crazy man: Oh, oh, okay. Holy shit.
(train ar­rives at Mar­cy Ave.)
Crazy man, loud­ly: Well, every­body, it looks like I’m get­ting off here. Got­ta get the bus. This sub­way shit is too slow.
(train pulls out from Mar­cy Ave and car­riage con­nec­tion door opens, crazy man stands on it yelling in­co­her­ent­ly from out­side the train)

–J Train

Over­heard by: Kather­ine

Open Mouth, In­sert Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Po­ten­tial pas­sen­ger: Is this bus go­ing to stop at the next stop?

–Bx 2 Bus

Blonde stand­ing next to mosh pit, to boyfriend: Ba­by, why are they do­ing that pushy thing?

–Smash­ing Pump­kins Show, Ter­mi­nal 5

Over­heard by: A Bob­by

White girl to Asian friend: Do you speak Japan­ese? No? What do they speak in Tai­wan?

–L Train

Park rev­el­er to man car­ry­ing gui­tar bag: Is that a bagel on your back?

–Union Park

Man at The Clois­ters: Is this vin­tage?

–The Clois­ters

Over­heard by: L

You’ll Prob­a­bly Work Here Some Day.

Moth­er at win­dow to cry­ing eight-year-old boy: Hsst! Stop! Act like a hu­man, not an an­i­mal! Or I won’t bring you here with me again.
(boy keeps cry­ing be­cause his sis­ter stole his toy)
Moth­er to boy, as they leave: Now, you know you’ve been a very an­noy­ing lit­tle per­son, don’t you?

–Post Of­fice, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Kather­ine

Har­lot, 1995–2000: I Was a Team Play­er Skilled in Oral Com­mu­ni­ca­tion with Cus­tomers

Act­ing stu­dent, per­form­ing a scene: You cheat­ed on me! You har­lot!
Act­ing pro­fes­sor: No, no! Now would you say ‘har­lot?’ If some­one called me a har­lot I’d say ‘Oh thank you so much!’ You’d say you moth­er-fuck­ing bitch, you whore, you slut! ‘Har­lot’ sounds beau­ti­ful, I’d put it on my re­sume!

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty, Lin­coln Cen­ter

Over­heard by: team jef­frey