Crazy Asian to strangers: What?!
Guy: What?! [Each continues their separate path.]
–Essex & Rivington
Archive for 2015
Newly-Single Wednesday One-Liners
Blonde on cell: I’m sorry, you don’t get to have two divorces and then dump my totally awesome friend, twice. And still have me think you’re a good guy. (pause) Oh, and be forty years old.
–56th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Vanessa
Man on cell: I’ll feel better once I move out of that place. She can keep it, I don’t even care. That shit is a haunted place.
–Frederick Douglass Houses
Drunk guy: Every time I would break up with her she would be like “I’m going to kill myself.” Eventually I was just like “Prove it!”
–Bulldog Bar
Woman on cell: You can divorce me anytime you want; you’re the one paying for it.
–Financial District
Shouldn’t There Be a Musical Number to Go with This?
(small child is scrubbing the subway walls with a Kleenex)
Child: Oooooh! Dirty!
Mother (holding up hand-sanitizer): We’re anti-bacteriaing the subway.
–A Train
Oh, Like You’ve Never Acted Crazy After Hitting a J?
Crazy man with orange bandana tucked under baseball cap: Hoooly shit! (pause) Holy shit! Does this train run express?
New Yorker next to him: No, I don’t think so.
Crazy man: Oh, oh, okay. Holy shit.
(train arrives at Marcy Ave.)
Crazy man, loudly: Well, everybody, it looks like I’m getting off here. Gotta get the bus. This subway shit is too slow.
(train pulls out from Marcy Ave and carriage connection door opens, crazy man stands on it yelling incoherently from outside the train)
–J Train
Overheard by: Katherine
Open Mouth, Insert Wednesday One-Liner
Potential passenger: Is this bus going to stop at the next stop?
–Bx 2 Bus
Blonde standing next to mosh pit, to boyfriend: Baby, why are they doing that pushy thing?
–Smashing Pumpkins Show, Terminal 5
Overheard by: A Bobby
White girl to Asian friend: Do you speak Japanese? No? What do they speak in Taiwan?
–L Train
Park reveler to man carrying guitar bag: Is that a bagel on your back?
–Union Park
Man at The Cloisters: Is this vintage?
–The Cloisters
Overheard by: L
You’ll Probably Work Here Some Day.
Mother at window to crying eight-year-old boy: Hsst! Stop! Act like a human, not an animal! Or I won’t bring you here with me again.
(boy keeps crying because his sister stole his toy)
Mother to boy, as they leave: Now, you know you’ve been a very annoying little person, don’t you?
–Post Office, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Katherine
Harlot, 1995–2000: I Was a Team Player Skilled in Oral Communication with Customers
Acting student, performing a scene: You cheated on me! You harlot!
Acting professor: No, no! Now would you say ‘harlot?’ If someone called me a harlot I’d say ‘Oh thank you so much!’ You’d say you mother-fucking bitch, you whore, you slut! ‘Harlot’ sounds beautiful, I’d put it on my resume!
–Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: team jeffrey
Burt Young and Sylvester Stallone Light Up the Screen in Rocky Balboa
Guy in stall: Arghhh!
Hobo lying on restroom floor: That’s a nice one, man.
Guy in stall, exploding: Auuuggghhh!
Hobo: Now, you’re a fighter, man.
–Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Whitehall St
Overheard by: Torotoro
The Post Office Does Manage to Disappear Packages
Woman #1: Excuse me, could you hold my place in line?
Woman #2: What do I look like, a magician?
–Post Office, Sunnyside
Someone Should Tell Her the Classy Part Is Contained in 0.25 Square Miles of the Upper East Side
Mother, to little boy, who is trying to sneak behind some dividers: Stop it. You can’t do that!
Little boy: Why not?
Mother: Because this is New York! People here have more class than you!
–Bouchon Bakery, Time Warner Center, Columbus Circle
