Archive for 2015

Newly-Single Wednesday One-Liners

Blonde on cell: I'm sorry, you don't get to have two divorces and then dump my totally awesome friend, twice. And still have me think you're a good guy. (pause) Oh, and be forty years old.

–56th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Vanessa

Man on cell: I'll feel better once I move out of that place. She can keep it, I don't even care. That shit is a haunted place.

–Frederick Douglass Houses

Drunk guy: Every time I would break up with her she would be like "I'm going to kill myself." Eventually I was just like "Prove it!"

–Bulldog Bar

Woman on cell: You can divorce me anytime you want; you're the one paying for it.

–Financial District

Oh, Like You've Never Acted Crazy After Hitting a J?

Crazy man with orange bandana tucked under baseball cap: Hoooly shit! (pause) Holy shit! Does this train run express?
New Yorker next to him: No, I don't think so.
Crazy man: Oh, oh, okay. Holy shit.
(train arrives at Marcy Ave.)
Crazy man, loudly: Well, everybody, it looks like I'm getting off here. Gotta get the bus. This subway shit is too slow.
(train pulls out from Marcy Ave and carriage connection door opens, crazy man stands on it yelling incoherently from outside the train)

–J Train

Overheard by: Katherine

Open Mouth, Insert Wednesday One-Liner

Potential passenger: Is this bus going to stop at the next stop?

–Bx 2 Bus

Blonde standing next to mosh pit, to boyfriend: Baby, why are they doing that pushy thing?

–Smashing Pumpkins Show, Terminal 5

Overheard by: A Bobby

White girl to Asian friend: Do you speak Japanese? No? What do they speak in Taiwan?

–L Train

Park reveler to man carrying guitar bag: Is that a bagel on your back?

–Union Park

Man at The Cloisters: Is this vintage?

–The Cloisters

Overheard by: L

You'll Probably Work Here Some Day.

Mother at window to crying eight-year-old boy: Hsst! Stop! Act like a human, not an animal! Or I won't bring you here with me again.
(boy keeps crying because his sister stole his toy)
Mother to boy, as they leave: Now, you know you've been a very annoying little person, don't you?

–Post Office, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Katherine

Harlot, 1995-2000: I Was a Team Player Skilled in Oral Communication with Customers

Acting student, performing a scene: You cheated on me! You harlot!
Acting professor: No, no! Now would you say ‘harlot?’ If someone called me a harlot I’d say ‘Oh thank you so much!’ You’d say you mother-fucking bitch, you whore, you slut! ‘Harlot’ sounds beautiful, I’d put it on my resume!

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: team jeffrey