Archive for 2015

Not as Much as All Those Abor­tions

Old la­dy #1: Your grand­son has not been with a girl in a while. He might be gay.
Old la­dy #2: Hey, he’s not gay, don’t be crazy. Your grand­son needs to stop sleep­ing with every girl; he might get them preg­nant.
Old la­dy #1: Hey, how much is this kiel­basa?

Trans­lat­ed from the Russ­ian.

–Gro­cery store, Ben­son­hurst

Over­heard by: Steve

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Ask: Hot Enough For Ya?

Lo­gis­ti­cal ge­nius: If the pow­er goes out and we lose the air con­di­tion­ing, we can al­ways use the fans.

–So­Ho

Dude on cell: Am I keep­ing it re­al? I’m wear­ing a God­damn blaz­er, and it’s 100 de­grees out. Of course I’m keep­ing it re­al!

–Hud­son & Leroy

Con­duc­tor: Now, I know it’s re­al hot out there, so this is what I do when I’m walk­ing down the streets of New York and try­ing to keep cool. I just sing this lit­tle song to my­self: “I’m dream­ing of a white Christ­mas, just like the ones I used to know”…All right, you all, this is 68th Street. Keep cool out there.

–A train

Over­heard by: Chloe

Woman to her son: It’s too hot for stu­pid­ness.

–59th St

Pros­e­ly­tiz­er: You think this is hot? Hell is hot!

–Up­town N train

Over­heard by: Cpt. Kate

Guy on cell: How you been do­ing in this heatwave?…That’s hot…Well, now I’m get­ting all hot, think­ing of my hot, sweaty cousin.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: No­zo­mi

Ded­i­cat­ed em­ploy­ee: Frankly, the on­ly rea­son I’m go­ing in to work to­day is be­cause they have bet­ter air con­di­tion­ing than I do.

–Man­hat­tan bound R train

Over­heard by: Dun­can Pflaster

Mr. Log­ic No Longer Tries to Give Ad­vice in Per­son, Ever Since Ms. Hor­mones Sev­ered Mr. John­son

Man on phone: Nicole, Nicole, you’re wrong. Why don’t you calm down and lis­ten to Mr. Log­ic? Mr. Log­ic says…

–Of­fice, Mid­town

Over­heard by: Trou­ble

Head­line by: John­nyB

Run­ners-Up:
· “… You Prob­a­bly Had Her­pes Be­fore You Met Me.” — KJM
· “…maybe Dat­ing a Writer for Sesame Street Was­n’t Such a Good Idea.” — df
· “It Won’t Do Any Good If She Can’t Ac­tu­al­ly SEE the Hand Pup­pet.” — Zenece
· “Now Tom, That On­ly Works on Katie…” — Lind­sey
· “Worst Pe­nis Name, Ever.” — Jim C.
· “You’re 8 Months Preg­nant, Birth Con­trol May Be Moot” — Rose

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

He Got Her in the End

Chick: …And she just lets him in!
Guy: And you’re asleep?
Chick: I’m asleep, and he comes over, and she opens the door for him.
Guy: And she leaves?
Chick: Yeah! So we’re alone, right, and he comes and, like, crawls in­to bed with me!
Guy: Whoa.
Chick: And I sleep naked, right?
Guy: Right.
Chick: So I’m like, what the fuck?
Guy: You should fire her as a room­mate.
Chick: Naw, it sort of turned out all right.

–Brit­tany Hall Res­i­dence el­e­va­tor, East 10th Street

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Study Lan­guish Arts

Tall fe­male law school know-it-all: You’ll do fine on his ex­am as long as you mem­o­rize the notes he gives in class –I mean, like, word for word– and then just re­ver­ber­ate it all!

–Up­town 1 Train

Over­heard by: Suze Vol­chok

Irate con­duc­tor to chat­ty four­some: Next trip you should not ride in the qui­et car; I ex­plained to you be­fore that there’s no con­ver­sa­t­ing.

–Am­trak Train

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Woman to friend: My laugh is go­ing straight to my ab­dom­inable area, it’s hi­lar­i­ous!

–16th & 8th, Chelsea

Over­heard by: Kather­ine Wal­lace

Girl in mid teens look­ing at sign that reads “Chilean flamin­gos”: Ma­mi, they’re Chi­lalean fin­gos!

–Bronx Zoo

Over­heard by: Kaitlen

Woman on cell: Oh, was he spayd­ed? Did he get spayd­ed? (pause) He was a she?

–42nd & Wood­land

Over­heard by: Jo USP

Girl on phone: Lis­ten, it’s just a pig­ment of your imag­i­na­tion… of course he’s a man.

–110th & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: Oona