Archive for 2015

Not as Much as All Those Abortions

Old lady #1: Your grandson has not been with a girl in a while. He might be gay.
Old lady #2: Hey, he’s not gay, don’t be crazy. Your grandson needs to stop sleeping with every girl; he might get them pregnant.
Old lady #1: Hey, how much is this kielbasa? 

Translated from the Russian.

–Grocery store, Bensonhurst

Overheard by: Steve 

Wednesday One-Liners Ask: Hot Enough For Ya?

Logistical genius: If the power goes out and we lose the air conditioning, we can always use the fans.


Dude on cell: Am I keeping it real? I’m wearing a Goddamn blazer, and it’s 100 degrees out. Of course I’m keeping it real!

–Hudson & Leroy

Conductor: Now, I know it’s real hot out there, so this is what I do when I’m walking down the streets of New York and trying to keep cool. I just sing this little song to myself: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know”…All right, you all, this is 68th Street. Keep cool out there.

–A train

Overheard by: Chloe

Woman to her son: It’s too hot for stupidness.

–59th St

Proselytizer: You think this is hot? Hell is hot!

–Uptown N train

Overheard by: Cpt. Kate

Guy on cell: How you been doing in this heatwave?…That’s hot…Well, now I’m getting all hot, thinking of my hot, sweaty cousin.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Nozomi

Dedicated employee: Frankly, the only reason I’m going in to work today is because they have better air conditioning than I do.

–Manhattan bound R train

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Mr. Logic No Longer Tries to Give Advice in Person, Ever Since Ms. Hormones Severed Mr. Johnson

Man on phone: Nicole, Nicole, you’re wrong. Why don’t you calm down and listen to Mr. Logic? Mr. Logic says…

–Office, Midtown

Overheard by: Trouble

Headline by: JohnnyB

· “… You Probably Had Herpes Before You Met Me.” — KJM
· “…maybe Dating a Writer for Sesame Street Wasn’t Such a Good Idea.” — df
· “It Won’t Do Any Good If She Can’t Actually SEE the Hand Puppet.” — Zenece
· “Now Tom, That Only Works on Katie…” — Lindsey
· “Worst Penis Name, Ever.” — Jim C.
· “You’re 8 Months Pregnant, Birth Control May Be Moot” — Rose

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

He Got Her in the End

Chick: …And she just lets him in!
Guy: And you’re asleep?
Chick: I’m asleep, and he comes over, and she opens the door for him.
Guy: And she leaves?
Chick: Yeah! So we’re alone, right, and he comes and, like, crawls into bed with me!
Guy: Whoa.
Chick: And I sleep naked, right?
Guy: Right.
Chick: So I’m like, what the fuck?
Guy: You should fire her as a roommate.
Chick: Naw, it sort of turned out all right. 

–Brittany Hall Residence elevator, East 10th Street

Wednesday One-Liners Study Languish Arts

Tall female law school know-it-all: You’ll do fine on his exam as long as you memorize the notes he gives in class –I mean, like, word for word– and then just reverberate it all!

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: Suze Volchok

Irate conductor to chatty foursome: Next trip you should not ride in the quiet car; I explained to you before that there’s no conversating.

–Amtrak Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Woman to friend: My laugh is going straight to my abdominable area, it’s hilarious!

–16th & 8th, Chelsea

Overheard by: Katherine Wallace

Girl in mid teens looking at sign that reads “Chilean flamingos”: Mami, they’re Chilalean fingos!

–Bronx Zoo

Overheard by: Kaitlen

Woman on cell: Oh, was he spayded? Did he get spayded? (pause) He was a she?

–42nd & Woodland

Overheard by: Jo USP

Girl on phone: Listen, it’s just a pigment of your imagination… of course he’s a man.

–110th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Oona